Adventures in Photography

Had a routine shoot in Woodacre today - just west of Fairfax in the country. Been out there many times - it's aptly named - acres of woods, dirt roads, muddy roads, no Peet's - pioneer living at its finest.

The directions I had told me to "go to the end of the paved road" after cruising through a short stretch of unpaved, un-maintained county road. I read the words "paved road" but in my rusted brain, I heard "dirt road."

I drove the short stretch of unpaved road - muddy and full of deep ruts and thick puddles from the recent rain - and when I got to the other side where the pavement picks up again, I turned to the right as the map indicated.

It was more dirt road, and my idiot brain said "go to the end of the dirt road." I've had to get to such locations before, so this wasn't new or strange.

But this dirt road... a muddy disaster waiting to happen, was almost less than one-lane wide and had a few downed branches here & there. I drove for a few minutes, seeing *nothing* up the hill and realized I couldn't be in the right place.

Found my map and sure enough, I'd driven right by the property when I turned onto the second dirt road. There aren't any curbs or curb numbers in those parts.

Thankfully, the XC-70 had no trouble going up or down the mud slide, gently rolling over & along the ruts sort-of like how you'd walk a horse down a steep hill. Fun!

Got back down the hill and turned onto what I thought was the long, paved driveway to the house - again, not seeing any house numbers anywhere, I followed the actual directions to "the end of the paved road." This was definitely a road and it was paved and it went up the hill to two houses.

I went all the way to the end where I found an old beater car parked on one side of the road and a 4WD truck on the other. There was an old cast iron tub perched in the brush beyond the truck and other discarded items & junk strewn around the driveway.

It's not uncommon to see trash ready to be hauled away when a house is going on the market... So I started up the steps to the front deck, which had a Beware of Dog sign posted at the bottom. When I got up to the deck (about four hundred steps, with a bee trying to stab me the whole way), it was littered with dozens of empty beer bottles, lawn chairs & more junk.

I thought... This doesn't seem right... I stood there for a few minutes, wondering where the agent was. And the dog. I almost knocked, but there were no signs of life inside. It wasn't quite 11 a.m. yet - way too early to be up after drinking that much beer.

From my sky-high vantage point I could see a cute little house down below... a house that looked ready for photographs, with cleaned up landscaping and new flowers on the deck. Sure enough, I'd gone one house too far on the little narrow road.

Good thing I got there early & the realtor had no idea I was standing on the neighbor's deck yelling her name.

(the wrong house, at the end of the road and about two miles straight up the hill to the right of the white truck)

(the right house - no junk, no beer bottles - quite lovely)

What Are Words For?

Words are critical. Words help me make a living. Words are one of my most favorite things. It pains me when there's a lack of words. Important words. Words like: "Note: rinsing the espresso machine will take approximately [time duration] and require approximately [number] of tank refills."

Yesterday the espresso robot told me it was time to decalcify. OK. I don't have any such solution on-hand, but I pushed the button to decalcify simply so the message would go away and I could move on with my life.

It went through its paces and then told me it was time to rinse the machine. I checked the manual and this is what it says: When the descaling cycle is completed, close the knob. Rinse out the tank and fill it with fresh drinking water. Press the button to confirm the rinse cycle. Open the knob. The machine will start rinsing. When the rinse cycle is completed, close the knob and load the circuit."

Nowhere does it say how long it will rinse, how much water it will use - nothing more than exactly what it says above. All the machine says while it's rinsing is "Machine is Rinsing." Informative.

I don't want to tell you how many times I refilled that tank and switched out Pyrex cups full of fresh water, or how long I stood there doing it, because I'm still feeling so stupid, I can't even describe how stupid I still feel.

And I can't tell you how long I did this because at one point I blacked out from blind rage and hopelessness that I would ever go back to living a normal life, a life not spent tending the insatiable water needs of a rinsing espresso machine.

I will tell you that I used up BC's water supply for the rest of this year and probably broke even on the cost of car insurance (we don't pay the water bill here ;). She may not be decalcified, but she's been rinsed better than any water-using machine ever invented since the dawn of man.

Would it have been SO difficult for the Saeco people to add one line of copy to the manual, telling me it might only take ONE TANK of water to rinse the machine? That I should just let the tank run out and that would be that? Would that have been so hard?

I still don't know if that's really how it works. When I've rinsed the machine before and the water tank runs out, it tells me to refill the tank so it can keep going - and it keeps going for quite a while until the machine tells you "Rinsing Complete."

There's absolutely no information in the manual that tells the user what to do or what to expect. How thoughtless and half-ass. It's more like whole ass. It's just a few words. Simple, clear, helpful words.

It could be a total coincidence, but today I didn't feel like having any coffee. I made a pot of tea. I have no taste for coffee at all. I don't know if it'll ever come back.

How To Travel Like a Dumbass

A step-by-step guide, should you need it. I don't - I'm a pro.

• Pack a 75lb duffel bag that will help pull you down the front steps of your house and strain your back if you try to lift it. It has wheels, so go ahead - stuff that sucker.
• Cook yourself some eggs. You're going to need the protein. Trust me.
• Say a lengthy goodbye to each of your three cats and angry parrot, who doesn't appreciate you waking him up at 5:30 a.m. just because you couldn't wait to get to Palm Springs.
• Leave 40 minutes later than you should. Enjoy the rush hour traffic.
• At the airport, blaze right through to Customs and forget the U.S. Customs Declaration Form. You're departing from Canada - this should not be necessary, as all the crap you have was bought or imported from the U.S.
• Go all the way back out to the airline counters to fill out your stupid customs form. Your flight boards in 10 minutes.
• Blaze back through to Customs and forget to check your 75lb duffel bag.
• Proceed through Customs to Security with your 75lb duffel bag that has no airline tag.
• At Security, realize no one will know where to send your stupid 75lb duffel bag. Ask Security Dude for help. Get directed to the only phone in the area you can use to call the airline counter. Your flight boards in 5 minutes.
• Find only phone in-use by a man who has no intention of releasing his desperate grip on the receiver.
• Ask man politely to use the phone "real quick." He says "Sorry, mum needs her medication." Man's wife explains that she checked her bag by mistake and it's the bag with all her medication in it. She must get it back.
• Plead with Security Dude for help. You will not be allowed back through Customs without an airline representative. There is only one phone. Calling the airline's customer service # won't help - they cannot call the check-in counter (which is odd, don't you think?). Your flight is now boarding.
• Return to magical phone and plead with Mr. Medication to make your call before you miss your flight. He capitulates and hands over the receiver. Call the check-in counter and obsequiously ask the very nice lady to bring a tag for your stupid 75lb duffel bag. Thank her profusely. (BTW, this is one way to circumvent baggage weight overage charges.)
• Wait for the very nice lady with your tag. It will feel like a half day before she arrives, slowly walking her pregnant belly into Security. Thank her again profusely, affix tag to your bag and drag your luggage onto the belt. Thank Security Dude for the tip to put it on the "fragile" belt that's faster than the regular one. Your flight is boarding.
• Wait in the long security line to have your carry-on screened. Luck out by getting behind two families with small children. Resist barking at little Sally to put her damned binky in the bin and to stop crying. Smile even though it feels like your face might crack.
• Get your crap scanned by four - FOUR - screeners crowded around the X-ray monitor, all of whom appear to be in training as they casually discuss with each other the different shapes and objects they're studying. Watch them shift the belt into reverse repeatedly. Your flight is almost done boarding.
• Wait 3 days for your stuff to clear the X-ray machine. When it finally arrives on the other side of Never, quickly repack the laptop and your dangerous lotion & chapstick, put on your jacket and put your shoes back on. You should lace them up, but you won't have time. Your flight is about to leave.
• Run. Keep running. Your gate is all the way at the end of the terminal. Keep running. Hear the final call for your flight. Keep running.
• Run all the way to the gate and rejoice at seeing another family with small children ahead of you.
• Hand your boarding pass & passport to the annoyed gate agent. Tell her you really like her necklace. Smile as she smiles back and says, "Thank you! Welcome aboard!"

Stupid Thursday

Whoever designed the flusterbuck that is the 80/880/580 exchange should have to sit in that parking lot for all eternity.

What a brilliant design of endless merging across 8 lanes that backs up traffic for miles at any time of day, every day of the week. Obviously designed by an engineer who's never driven a car and loves sitting for hours on end.

I'm in a terrible mood because I effed up a job today and now I have to reshoot it. I can't seem to get my shit straight lately. It's like part of my brain falls asleep from time to time. I don't know it's switched off, so I don't realize anything is wrong until I've made the mistake.

And it's little things, and things you wouldn't expect to screw up. It's maddening. And I don't know what to do to fix it.

I Blame Drugs

It can't be that I'm incredibly stupid - it has to be something else. I blame drugs and Mark Knopfler.

I woke up this morning with what felt like the start of a crushing migraine or sinus headache, so I took a decongestant (from Canada, of course) and a few advil. Thankfully, that was all I needed and the headache dissipated.

And instead of a headache I now had slightly impaired motor skills, 'cause the pseudoephedrine makes me a little shaky. It also makes me a little drowsy, but nothing a strong cup of coffee can't help, which is good, to add a big dose of caffeine on top of the pseudoephedrine. I'm smart like that.

So, with my head taken care of, I began to prep for an afternoon meeting in Larkspur. I successfully assembled all the materials I wanted and then tried to unwrap the Knopfler CD I bought yesterday.

Big thanks to Borders for not removing the theft-prevention, fort knox plastic encasement. I've only waited weeks to get this CD, why would I want to actually open it or listen to it? I tried a screwdriver (the tool - later I would need the drink), then a hammer, then it was David's turn.

He chose his weapon wisely - wire snippers. Cut right through the stupid plastic, then it was just a matter of peeling off the stupid sticky tape thing at the top. Because you have to have both - the hard plastic encasement isn't enough deterrent - you must also have the annoying, only-comes-off-in-maddeningly-tiny-strips sticky plastic tape.

With that frustration behind me but not forgotten, I got ready for my meeting. After getting all cleaned up & dressed, I decided to wear tinted moisturizer sunscreen. It helps me look not so pasty.

I have two shades of the same brand - one for summer, one for winter - and since it's not quite winter, I tried to make a blend of the two. I thought it looked OK in my hand, then I put it on. Instead of a very subtle tanning effect, it made me look slightly jaundiced. I put it on anyway.

Out the door right on time, I was on my way northward. Traffic was OK - not too stupid - just me. When I got close to the office, I realized too late that it was on the other side of the street and I was in the lane that forces you to get on 101 north.

Onto the freeway I had to go. I got off at the next exit, hoping it would loop back around where I needed to be - it's all messed up over there - freeways, onramps and offramps all thrown around willy nilly in a crowded mess.

Thankfully, I did get back to where I needed to go, with a close pass right by San Quentin - how exciting! - and when I got to the stoplight, of course there's no left turn, because there's a freeway exit directly to the left and other oncoming traffic lanes all chucked together. And, even better, the stoplights weren't working, blinking red, so traffic was backed up for a half mile in every direction. Sweet!

I finally made it over and back and around and into the parking lot, only a few minutes late to my meeting and they were totally understanding about the traffic mess. And they're all so nice, they didn't even comment on my jaundice.

Almost Lucky

Left late this morning fore an eye doc appointment, but managed to find a non-metered parking space and made it to the appointment in time.

Then I cruised over to the financial district and found another sweet parking space, though it was a 30-minute meter. I felt lucky, so I plugged the meter and grabbed lunch. I checked the car after lunch - no chalk and the meter had run out, but no ticket.

From there I headed to SOMA for another errand and found ANOTHER cherry parking spot, non-metered. Finished that errand and went to meet a friend for coffee. I parked my car a couple of blocks away, had a nice chat and a lovely cup of tea.

By about 4pm we decided to start our weekends & said so long. I headed back to my car and on the way, a strange feeling came over me... I'd gotten cocky. My luck was about to change.

I turned the corner at 1st and Mission and sho-nuff, she was gone. Baby Volvo had been dragged off to City Tow. Dammit! So close to a perfect parking day! They didn't even need that lane today - there was hardly any traffic! Shitty shitty bastards!

I hoofed it to 7th & Harrison and wow, it sure is easy now to buy your car back from the most secure lot in town. The office is clean and they have a high-tech Take a Number robot - a touch screen kiosk.

You touch the "button" - a tiny button on a 20" screen - and out pops a big number on a piece of paper you could put a grocery list on. What's all that extra screen and paper for?

A very nice man helped me right away and kindly put $189 on my Visa card. A few moments later I had my receipts and he told me where to retrieve my car.

About ten minutes later I was back in my car and ecstatic. Nothing had been stolen - everything was in order - I was just out $189, the cost of being stupid.

The Good Life

The past few weeks have been stressful. Lots of commiserating/complaining with friends about work-related woes - the usual. To be fair, some things have especially sucked, but part of working through those things is the bitching & whining with your comrades so you can start finding a way through it.

Last week in particular was rough. There was so much "commiserating" at one point that things seemed rather bleak. No way to make it better, it all just sucks and we're all doomed...

Then this weekend my little bank called to verify recent activity as they occasionally do. I always appreciate that they're keeping an eye on things.

The phone rep rattled off the list of recent purchases, and as he kept going down the list I thought, This sounds pretty good - a pretty good life, really:

- Specialty's Bakery & Cafe
- Netflix
- La Pinata (a fantastic Mexican restaurant)
- Sephora
- SF Ferry Plaza Wine Bar
- Rincon Chiropractic
- Safeway
- Trader Joe's
- University Art Supplies

Having someone else read to you a list of your recent purchases provides a whole new perspective. At that moment I thought, What the hell am I complaining so much about?