That Was Rough

Day 9 - feeling MUCH better. Got some exercise, good food, lots of sleep and quality time with David. I knew the sadfulness would pass, but it was a long, dreary week. It's felt like a month, really.

It hasn't been difficult to avoid sugar & caffeine (and booze), that's actually been easy. The depressed mood wasn't easy, but it makes sense.

Remember the super low-fat, high-carb diets of the 80s? I ate like that for years, especially being a runner - it's drilled into your head to avoid fat & load up on bagels, pasta, bread, etc.

It's a reasonable assumption that eating like that for many years can alter how your body produces & uses serotonin. At any rate, now that I've cut all that out, shit's been wonky but seems to be settling into a new rhythm.

The sugar cravings are gone - totally gone. This afternoon I stopped at Peet's for a cup of decaf and didn't gaze longingly into the pastry case. I used to *love* snacking on citrus bread or a maple scone with my coffee - didn't even think of it.

Now it seems like I'm craving vegetables and "clean" food, even when it's cold and foggy out. Last year at this time I was eating my weight in steaks, pork chops and potatoes - couldn't get enough. Didn't touch a salad for months. Nothing green. Green does not help insulate you from the bone-chilling cold (and boredom) of a Canadian winter.

And now I seem to be dreaming a lot more - really vivid dreams. Actual nighttime sleepy type dreams, not the I want to find a billion dollars in my bank account type dreams, which, if you're listening Universe, get to it - make it happen.

Hope the good feeling continues. If so, I may stay off sugar forever.

Serotonin Free

It's Day 8 and I'm still off sugar, booze and caffeine. Although it's impossible to be totally caffeine-free unless I give up decaf coffee, which I'm not going to do, so you can blow me.

It's been that sort of week. I thought it was PMS, which I want to think is mostly to blame, but now I'm DMS and usually by this point the mood issues are long gone.

Today was difficult. If we didn't have TV, I'd have spent the whole day staring at the wall. I did that once years ago when I lived in the Western Addition in a haunted house and my car got totaled and I couldn't quickly get the heck outta town. That wasn't a good time.

It hasn't gotten that bad, but today was the most depressed I've felt in a long time. I didn't think I ate that much sugar every day, but I definitely went on a bender during the holidays.

Way too many biscotti, chocolate chip cookies of all sorts, lemon tarts, pumpkin pies, and some dastardly petit fours from Trader Joe's in ridiculously delicious deep chocolate flavors.

I was bingeing like a drug addict right before checking into rehab. I wondered if I might be making a big mistake by doing that.

I'd started the decaf process in mid-December - I knew how painful cold turkey would be - but now I think I'm really starting to feel it. I'm getting that withdrawal headache in the afternoons and yawning. A LOT.

Thankfully the headache is mild, nothing like the cold-turkey variety that makes you want to saw your head off with a Leatherman and pour hot coffee into your skull.

The one bright spot is losing 2 lbs without even trying. That helps make some of the sadfulness worth it. If that keeps up, I'll gladly watch more bad TV while crumpled on the couch crying softly into my blankie.

Tonight's Event

A sort-of guest post - an email from my mom and my response:

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From: Conacat [my mother]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 8:12 PM
To:[me]; [my brother Peter]; [my other brother David]
Subject: Tonight's event

Just to let you know, there was a 4.9 earthquake 1 mile south of San Bernardino at 7:50 PM tonight. All we got was a bit of a 'jello 'feeling. None of the hanging things in the house moved a bit.

No glassware clinking or other noise usually connected with an earthquake. We probably wouldn't have noticed except we were sitting in front of the TV.

We are fine and so is the house, etc.
Love, Mom

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From: [me]
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2009 10:38 PM
To: [my mother]; [my brother Peter]; [my other brother David]
Subject: RE: Tonight's event

Just to let you know – the sun came out today for the second time in a month for a total of 75 minutes. I took the gun out of my mouth so I could run out and get some pictures to prove it.

And now I’m convinced that when they show the forecast on the late news, they throw in one day (in 10) that has the partly sunny graphic – all the rest are rain/cloud graphics – and it’s a total lie.

They want people to think that someday the sun will actually come out because if they don’t cling to that tiny shred of hope for sunlight, the morgues wouldn't be able to handle the mass suicides.

There was no glassware clinking or other noise usually connected with the appearance of the sun. I probably wouldn’t have noticed except I was staring slackjawed at the TV showing a scene of a sunny neighborhood in Miami when I realized the light in the other room was coming from outside the house.

We are fine and so is the house, etc.
Love, Hazel

Sadful

Got home from work today and felt totally empty and depressed, like someone had died. With Cameron, Jeff, Julie, Shauna and now Christina gone and Miriam transitioning out of the group, I realized there will be no one left to hand things down to.

A few people have come & gone in the past couple of years, but there has always been an intact group to carry on. All the institutional knowledge and folklore that isn't documented anywhere is passed on so the group can successfully continue in its role.

And toys - "inherited" silly toys, pictures and trinkets decorate the area - little mementos to remind us of former teammates. Like Michael's Grand Marshall name plate and the picture of our mascot, Bob. Pictures of Lewis on a surf trip. Julie's play-doh sea monster sculpture. Jeff's checkered table cloth desk. It will all be left behind and no one will remember our names or what we did.

It won't be long before we're all gone. For the first time since the group was started five years ago, the department will cease to exist. Decimated. At a company with plenty of ongoing revenue and resources.

And it was confirmed this week that the reason for the re-org was to motivate one person to leave. Instead of dealing with the issue directly, an entire group was treated like furniture and moved around without any regard for who we are, what we do, and how the group needs to function to be successful.

One stupid move destroyed a highly-productive, valuable group. Will those responsible ever stand up and admit their mistake? Not likely. They act like it was just a natural cycle of some sort. What a huge disappointment.