Ads That Fail

A minor thing, but it's irritating the sh*t out of me. I present the following:

The Wells Fargo billboards with the copy, "With you when you have questions." The words they chose to underline? "With you when" Wouldn't the better emphasis be "With you"? We're with you. Regardless. All the time. Always. With you when? I'm not sure - when? Where? Lame.

Next, Kaiser Permanente's billboard promoting fitness/getting outdoors, a nice photo of a trail in the woods with the copy: "Do tread on me" The word they emphasized? - "tread." Not "do," but "tread." Why not "Do tread on me"? Do it! Get off the couch and do it! Or just leave out "do" and make it "Tread on me." Lame.

Then there's the homegrown cable TV ad for a channel that provides info about local road trips. It's a computer animated piece that shows a road winding through a barren landscape, nothing on either side of it, and the road ends at a cartoony sign with the channel info.

So, not only is the "road trip" ad showing you absolutely nothing that might sell you on the idea of a road trip, let alone the idea of tuning into the channel for road trip info, the road DEAD ENDS in that barren landscape. Not at a lovely destination of some sort - beach, amusement park, vista point, mountain lodge or similar - just a barren, empty, wasteland of lame public access cable TV. FAIL.

Finally, the latest BMW ad showing a dufus holding an unlit light bulb in the dark. He's talking about how Americans are so responsible or something, but the bulb is UNLIT and he's standing IN THE DARK.

Not sure what a light bulb has to do with being responsible, except that it is a compact fluorescent bulb he's holding... But wouldn't it have been much more effective, nay, clever, to have the dufus hold a LIT light bulb? Wouldn't that be much more engaging, visually? Hello! Television!

Then, as he's talking about how BMW is committed to helping to lower emissions - I guess they're trying to be environmentally responsible - the room lights up with a million ginormous bulbs that are not CFLs. HILarious. FAIL.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Miss Perceptions

I do it - everybody does it. You meet someone and think you get a sense for who that person is or what he/she is about.

Lately I've been made aware of perceptions others have of me. In some cases it's a result of a temporary, casual experience. In others, they've seen all sides, without filter, and they're still off base.

The former makes perfect sense, but the latter is puzzling. I'm guessing it comes down to seeing what you want to see or holding on to old ideas instead of being open to seeing the truth.

One example: I have a friend I've known for years - many, many years. He seems convinced that I only have a good time if I'm soused. Every time we get together he encourages me to drink and drink heavily. He wants me to take a cab so I can drain the bar without worry.

The funny thing about this - the few times we were out with friends many years ago, HE was the one in his cups almost every time. One night he was so blotto he couldn't support his own body weight - he was falling into his plate. We poured him into a cab, gave the cabbie $40 and sent him on his way and went back to finish dinner.

I keep telling him that I don't really enjoy drinking in that way. I have, but I was in college. These days I enjoy maintaining my composure and not puking in a dorm room sink. But in his mind, I'm not fun unless I'm drunk. How flattering!

Another example: Sometimes people assume I'm an idiot. Sometimes I am, but I try to keep that under wraps. I blame the boobs. When people see boobs, they don't see a brain. It certainly isn't in my shirt.

They give it away when they talk to me slowly and repeat things over and over again even after I've said "I understand" (repeatedly) and explain back to them what they just told me. I'm no rocket surgeon, but I can grasp basic concepts. I even know how to put on pants all by myself.

Then there's family. The parents who will forever see adult offspring as children. Seems like a universal issue. But sometimes that lens needs to come off. It's getting tiresome. I may not know who they are through and through either, but I don't act like I do and make assumptions that might make them feel like idiots. At least I try not to.

Do we ever really know anybody?

Snarktacular Wednesday

I had to go up to Sonoma this evening for a "dusk shoot," which I never enjoy, because when "dusk" arrives, I should be at home in my sweats watching the news or enjoying post-news reruns whilst eating my dinner.

But because I have to go, I went, at the peak of rush hour. I anticipated bad traffic and left early. Early enough to stop and get a sandwich at Whole Foods - the easiest thing to eat while driving (and texting, changing CDs and painting my nails).

Why is making a sandwich so difficult? How is it that only one sandwich in ten is made according to the order? I either get the wrong bread, the wrong meat, the wrong toppings - something - something is always wrong.

Tonight it was the bread. Instead of sliced sourdough, they used a baguette. Maybe it's just my wussy mouth, but I can't eat a sandwich on a hard roll without tearing up the roof of my mouth. So irritating.

Also irritating? Peppered roast beef. Who came up with this stupid idea? All I could taste was pepper. Are these ideas hatched in a food lab staffed with heavy smokers?

At the shoot, the agent followed me around from room to room the entire time. Like a nervous puppy, he hovered behind me during every shot. I wanted to smack his nose with a lead pipe rolled up newspaper.

Not any better was the hovering stager who kept asking if I wanted to move anything. If I want to move it, I'll move it. See these things hanging off the ends of my arms? They allow me to pick shit up and move it somewhere else - it's fucking brilliant - watch me do it.

In one room she asked me if I'd heard of a guy - a photographer she's worked with before - you know, because at night they round up all the photographers all over the county and put us all in one big room where we can't get into any trouble.

I told her I hadn't, but what I *should* have said was, "Oh John, the guy who takes all the great photos of naked children? I love that guy's work!" She continued and said, "I've worked with him in the past - he's pretty good."

That's great. What am I supposed to do with this information? I left my random chitchat diary at home and I've nowhere to record this exchange. Have you heard of not loitering in the room where I'm working? It would be super awesome if you could move your ass the hell out of the way so I can finish up this job and get the eff home.

But hey, if you want to pay double for an evening shoot that won't make your generic house look any different than it would at 11am and follow me around like an anxious chihuahua, to each his own. Good luck to ya.

Wednesday Can Suck It

Eff you, piece-of-shit Wednesday and your crap ass antics. No one likes Wednesday - you're totally useless - just one more stupid day between the days that matter - Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Wednesday is a joke, and with stupid spelling to boot.

I figured you weren't going to be a great day, with David up at 3:30Am to head up to Vancouver. I was awake at 4AM wondering if I should get up or try to get back to sleep.

Opting for the latter, I laid awake pondering the potential changes to come, finally falling asleep about an hour later.

Up at 7 to feed the cats, I felt like crap, but at least I had some time to get caught up on things before heading up to Sonoma for a shoot.

I got in the car and began to pull away and realized something was very wrong. How I didn't see it when I walked out to the car is a mystery, but there was my right front tire, flat as pancake.

That would explain the low pressure it had a couple of days ago... Great. Now I'd definitely be late for my appointment and worse, would have to drive on that stupid donut until I could get to the tire shop.

Back into the house to change my clothes and get the latex gloves - maybe I could get it changed and make it up to Sonoma only a half hour late, which could work out OK since my client was running late.

Got the stupid thing changed, and once on the car, that donut really doesn't look at all safe to drive on. I decided Sonoma could wait. I drove, slowly, straight to the tire shop.

Thankfully they were able to fix it so I didn't have to pay for four new tires - and it only took them 90 minutes to do it. I was almost totally asleep in the shop when they finally came in to tell me it was ready.

Then at 3:30 I got to drive from Union City all the way to the Haight to take some pictures of a garden I didn't get yesterday because, between you and me, I didn't think it was worth the memory. I was wrong.

And now tomorrow I get to get up at the ass crack of dawn and shoot the job I had to cancel today, then race all the way back down to Milpenis for another job already booked. But, better to start early than finish late, right?

Crapatoa. Is it summer vacation yet?