Bravo 2-Squeaker

"Jimmy, you gotta go. You're our best climber & we need to know how to get from here to the kitchen."

"But, there's three of them - three! I'm gonna need someone to run interference or cause a diversion."

"Sorry, we have to send you alone. We're just getting set up down here & need everyone else focused on finishing the nest."

Jimmy spent all night prepping for his mission. He planned to set out just before dawn. Climbing the furnace would be the easiest part. There was no way to plan for what might happen when he made it above ground.

He'd smelled three of them and listened closely, trying to identify patterns of movement. In the early morning hours they were usually quiet - not near the floor furnace. He'd have to be quick - the fastest he's ever been - to scale the furnace and get above ground before they were on him.

Just after 6:30AM, Ronald wished him good luck and god speed. Jimmy said goodbye to his rat family and darted towards the gas pipe leading into the furnace.

Leaping onto the gas pipe, he sped across the pipe into the furnace, up onto the steep metal plate and sprinted up the side of the old metal box. In seconds he was at the top and popped his head out of the grate in the floor.

All was quiet - they hadn't heard him. If they had, they were slow to respond and he would have time to stay ahead of them. He darted up from the iron grate towards what he thought must be the kitchen, towards aromas of peanuts and food - and in moments realized his critical mistake.

He'd found the birdcage - many yards from the kitchen - and now he heard trouble quickly approaching. Suddenly a black & white was on him and he started running. He ran blindly towards what seemed like refuge with the black & white close on his heels.

Jimmy was cornered when he heard someone coming - maybe this was the diversion he needed! He was trying to find somewhere to hide when a door opened and he was able to run for cover. The black & white quickly followed, but now he had plenty of cover and time to figure a way out of his predicament.

By this time, the other black & white joined the pursuit, but Jimmy found a good place to hide. He could wait it out for a while. He hoped the boys would soon lose interest. The third furry one approached and began circling his hiding spot. With three of them, he knew one would always be watching.

The someone he'd heard moments earlier was the woman - she was now engaged in an animated conversation with the man. They were talking so fast Jimmy couldn't keep track, but he had more important things to focus on.

The black & whites and the other one were still out there... waiting. Jimmy didn't know exactly where he was, so he couldn't plan his escape. He needed time to explore & find a way out. He needed to wait, but now it was fully light out and he was anxious to get back underground. Waiting would be excruciating and he was dehydrating.

Every hour waiting would bring him closer to death and he could wait all day and still be nabbed - he might die regardless. Jimmy decided he'd rather die trying to escape than from dehydration.

He tried to remember the approximate path he took when he started running and very slowly peeked out to see if he could start making his way back to the furnace. He ran, but they were close by and spotted him. He darted under a storage trunk and waited for the next moment to make his move.

He had good cover under the trunk, but the trunk itself was out in the open with clear vantage points from all sides. This was not going to be easy.

Jimmy waited. Hours slipped by until in his gut he could tell dusk was approaching. Over 12 hours since his mission began. He was wildly off course, nowhere near a water source, with hostiles on all sides, and no clear way to safety.

Resigned to his fate, Jimmy relaxed and dozed. He hadn't been asleep for long when he was startled awake - the trunk had been moved and he was now completely exposed. He froze in terror and before he could make a move, a box descended on top of him, trapping him on all sides.

Suddenly the box was moving, dragging him along with it. He protested but the sliding continued. The box stopped and he tried to stand up and get his bearings. He'd been hiding for hours in a space as tall as a pancake - this was his first chance to stand up since 8AM that morning.

Just as he was finding his balance again, the box began sliding again, this time, up onto a platform. Moments later he was moving. The whole thing was moving - the box, the platform - everything. Whatever was happening, while frightening, seemed much better than dying of thirst or being eaten alive by the enemy.

He could hear the woman again - she was talking, he thought to the primary black & white, and she didn't sound happy. The movement continued and moments later he could smell the outdoors - he was outside. Still trapped in a box, but outside.

Jimmy was exhausted. There was no way to know what was going to happen to him. He'd never been trapped in a box before - he could dig or chew his way out of anything, but he couldn't try escaping until the movement stopped. And suddenly, it stopped.

He was no longer moving forward, but the box started to drop. Seconds later the box was lifted and Jimmy was deposited onto the entrance of the sewer drain. Water. He could smell water. He might live through this after all. Unsteady, but on his feet, he climbed up the ramp and into the underground tunnel.

New Ice

Got my ring rebuilt. The new Ring Man did a terrific job. It's a bit more compact and has a lower profile so I'm not crashing it into things as easily.

Other than puttering around the house & taking care of chores, it's been a quiet 3-day weekend. So relaxing that I can't bear the thought of going back to work tomorrow. I think I'm overdue for a long vacation.

Did some yoga over the weekend - I'd forgotten how great it feels. I read about a spa in Arizona where you can go & do your own thing - you don't have to socialize - you're free to participate in all they have to offer, explore the area, putter around the grounds - do whatever you like. I'm ready to go.

Zana-Doo-Doo

My chiropractor recommended the Zand Quick Cleanse - a liver/system cleanse & detox that only takes a week and doesn't require fasting.

So I started my Zand adventure this morning, downing a handful of "fiber" pills and later, a liver cleansing tablet full of all sorts of barky plant herby goodness. If nothing else, the pills and four gallons of water sure staves off hunger.

But I was apprehensive about going to the movies in the early afternoon, not sure what could happen while out & about. Would it be like that scene in Pope of Greenwich Village when they give the cop the horse laxative? I had to hope I wouldn't be caught running around the street clutching my pants.

So far, all is stable... but it's only Day 1. In the next few days I'm supposed to increase the number of fiber pills. Thank goodness we have a long weekend. At least when fasting, you don't have to worry about suddenly blowing a gasket and making sure you're always near a toilet.

Almost Lucky

Left late this morning fore an eye doc appointment, but managed to find a non-metered parking space and made it to the appointment in time.

Then I cruised over to the financial district and found another sweet parking space, though it was a 30-minute meter. I felt lucky, so I plugged the meter and grabbed lunch. I checked the car after lunch - no chalk and the meter had run out, but no ticket.

From there I headed to SOMA for another errand and found ANOTHER cherry parking spot, non-metered. Finished that errand and went to meet a friend for coffee. I parked my car a couple of blocks away, had a nice chat and a lovely cup of tea.

By about 4pm we decided to start our weekends & said so long. I headed back to my car and on the way, a strange feeling came over me... I'd gotten cocky. My luck was about to change.

I turned the corner at 1st and Mission and sho-nuff, she was gone. Baby Volvo had been dragged off to City Tow. Dammit! So close to a perfect parking day! They didn't even need that lane today - there was hardly any traffic! Shitty shitty bastards!

I hoofed it to 7th & Harrison and wow, it sure is easy now to buy your car back from the most secure lot in town. The office is clean and they have a high-tech Take a Number robot - a touch screen kiosk.

You touch the "button" - a tiny button on a 20" screen - and out pops a big number on a piece of paper you could put a grocery list on. What's all that extra screen and paper for?

A very nice man helped me right away and kindly put $189 on my Visa card. A few moments later I had my receipts and he told me where to retrieve my car.

About ten minutes later I was back in my car and ecstatic. Nothing had been stolen - everything was in order - I was just out $189, the cost of being stupid.

Logey

Man alive, I am *sleepy* these days. Every day at 2pm I am ready for the deep, deep sleep of a professional, gold-medal-winning sleeper. I'm barely awake now. I'm typing with my forehead.

Maybe it's time for Geritol or Ensure. Or maybe I could just stop going to meetings.

Faux Ziti

A ziti for Carmella. My version of ziti, anyway. I must say, it was tasty. Good comfort food on a rainy night and perfect for a Sopranos night.

Carmella was a main focus of tonight's show. I don't know how anyone could come back to New Jersey (to that life, and big pig Tony) after a week in Paris. Doesn't Carmella have a bunch of money stashed away from a few seasons ago? Invested wisely, she could live in Paris for a long time.

I could live in Paris. Maybe I'd run into Johnny Depp at the market.

Lameness

Earlier this week I had the pleasure of exchanging emails with former coworkers - people who made it incredibly easy to find humor in every minute of the workday. We used to laugh all day long. Even our emails to clients were laced with humor.

Laughing at these emails made me realize how incredibly lame I am now. My emails at work are all businessey and no fun at all. Nobody needs all that dryness. It's chapping. What a drag.

But this is what we get to work with: I supplied a requirements outline to project manager in another group so she could give us the details of her project. It's a basic excel spreadsheet of questions, designed to make it easy for folks who have never documented requirements to simply fill in the blanks.

What I got back was a spreadsheet full of one word answers:
No
Yes
June 30
No
No
Robert
Yes
No

We're all very excited about this project. From the requirements alone, it sounds amazing. Can't wait to see it go live. Seems the person who filled it out, instead of putting the answers in the column labeled "Description," replaced all the questions with their answers.

Then there was the time a month after I started when HR sent me an urgent email telling me I needed to supply proof of citizenship ASAP because they didn't have copies of my driver's license and SS card in my file.

I called them and asked what happened to the photocopies that were made the day I started. "Oh, we don't know, but we're sure nothing's happened to them." Seems the woman who hosted our orientation on my first day abruptly left the company and they couldn't find any trace of the photocopies she made that day. Of our driver's licenses. And social security cards.

A few months ago we decided we should ask Facilities to install blinds in the window of our usability testing lab as it's very distracting during testing to have people walking by, gawking at our test subjects. Facilities told me that room had not been approved for blinds.

Apparently there is a Blinds Czar and this person did not deem this small room worthy. I asked how we could obtain a favorable decision from His Lordship, but before I could press the Send button on the email, a large black bookcase was delivered and set up in front of the window, almost blocking the view, but not quite. Why bother installing blinds when you can just block the window with a bookcase?

In an effort to obtain a good ergonomic set up, a coworker wanted to bring in his Aeron chair from his home office. He emailed Facilities for information and instead of supplying, say, a form to fill out to document this chair as his own, they told him not to bother. They ordered a brand new Aeron chair for him.

Another coworker enrolled in the 401k program and set up automatic deposits into the account. Except the money isn't in the 401k account, nor is it still in her paycheck. Much like the photocopies of our driver's licenses & SS cards, HR is sure everything is fine. They don't know where the money is, but they're sure everything is fine. Not to worry.

There's more - much more - but if I told you everything, you'd start to think I was making this up.

Potpourri

Like the Jeopardy category, though I don't like the word "potpourri." Pot-poorey. It's weird. Other words I don't like:
- meal
- enhancement
- timebox
- meet
- meeting
- schedule

This morning I realized I want to be Jack Bauer. All he needs is a hoodie and a satchel and he can do anything. He yells a lot. It must be cathartic. Maybe it would help if during the day I could start yelling at people at the top of my lungs. Restraint is tiring.

Brenda!

This post is for Brenda, a lovely friend from my days at HP who sent me the nicest email - thank you!

Brenda and I enjoyed many fine days in the Service Contract area of HP. I'm not really sure what that department was. It was many years ago. I remember using an HP 9000, which may have been a robot.

I was a temp, Brenda was a "full timer." Normally, full time employees do not interact with temporary help. There are rules about this. All temps and full time employees understand this and no one questions it. We keep to our own kind.

But Brenda was different... Brenda has a fantastic sense of humor. Before too long we were chatting it up and laughing til we cried. Hard to believe I was there for over a year - I remember so little. That was 13 years ago. Wow.

Thanks again for the email, and dude, congrats on your new baby and for surviving the Caminator! Dude, I don't know what it is about "dude." Dude comes home from work and suddenly I'm "dude," which is kinda sweet that I'm like one of the guys, but after the 10th or 12th dude, it's like, dude, enough already. Dude. Doooooooooooooood.

Too Much Karl

I love the Ricky Gervais Podcasts - love them. It's great when something makes Ricky laugh so hard it sounds like he must be wetting his pants.

Throughout the first season, Karl was somewhat quiet except for his Monkey News. Monkey News consists of fantastic tales of monkeys (actually chimpanzees) performing incredible feats normally handled by humans (like controlling a rocket into space, landing an airplane, performing surgery, etc.), and during the telling of these tales, Ricky becomes very angry at Karl for broadcasting total bullshit.

There were some gems from the first season. Karl's translation of Ben Franklin's "waste not want not": "Don't be chuckin' that out, you might need it later." Or when discussing the proverb about people who live in glass houses...: "People who live in glass houses have to answer the door. "

But these doses of Karl were small and well spaced throughout each show, and I was downloading and listening to shows only once a week. With Season 2, I may have made a mistake.

With the second season, I downloaded them all at once and put them on my Nano. This week I've been listening to shows back-to-back and I think I've overloaded on Karl.

It's too much weirdness at once. When asked how he would spend the day with or what he'd do if he encountered his doppelganger: "How would I know which one was me?"

Today I listened to the show where he was supposed to report what he'd learned about Freud. About Freud's theory on the stages of life, he thought Freud was saying "you should drink milk because it's good for you."

It gets to the point where it's too much, but I can't stop listening. In the future, I think I have to go back to listening only once a week, otherwise I'm afraid I could end up actually understanding some of the shit Karl says.

Some Karl Pilkington Fansites/Info:
http://www.rickygervais.com/karlpilkington.php
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karl_Pilkington
http://www.karl-pilkington.com/

The Good Life

The past few weeks have been stressful. Lots of commiserating/complaining with friends about work-related woes - the usual. To be fair, some things have especially sucked, but part of working through those things is the bitching & whining with your comrades so you can start finding a way through it.

Last week in particular was rough. There was so much "commiserating" at one point that things seemed rather bleak. No way to make it better, it all just sucks and we're all doomed...

Then this weekend my little bank called to verify recent activity as they occasionally do. I always appreciate that they're keeping an eye on things.

The phone rep rattled off the list of recent purchases, and as he kept going down the list I thought, This sounds pretty good - a pretty good life, really:

- Specialty's Bakery & Cafe
- Netflix
- La Pinata (a fantastic Mexican restaurant)
- Sephora
- SF Ferry Plaza Wine Bar
- Rincon Chiropractic
- Safeway
- Trader Joe's
- University Art Supplies

Having someone else read to you a list of your recent purchases provides a whole new perspective. At that moment I thought, What the hell am I complaining so much about?

Mood Wheel

Boys have it easy. Except for adolescence, boys don't have to deal with an ongoing roller coaster of hormones throughout their lives that means each day brings a new mood adventure.

The cycle is always in flux, it changes with age and there's no warning. "Please note, in approximately 10-15 days you're going to start to feel some mild depression - more like a harmless mope. Remember, it's only temporary and due to an ongoing hormone shift. Thank you and good day."

Or it could just as easily be a notice that in a few days I'll feel especially giddy and that I should take full advantage of the goofy moments because those hormones will start to subside a day or two later. I'd like to know why it happens and have some forewarning. Just like the weather.

The Joy of Saeco (Thanks Dad!)

This post is for Griffin, who isn't sure if he'd want his coffee/espresso to be *that* automated. If you had one of these, that thought wouldn't enter your pretty little head ever again.

Here's the smart little guy sitting comfortably on my kitchen counter:


It sits on a swivel base so you can easily access the water reservoir from the top on the back left side and/or the bean hopper on the top right side. The reservoir holds about a liter of water & the bean hopper holds about a half pound of coffee beans - enough to last me a week or more drinking a couple of cups a day.

The water dispenser/milk frother is the nozzle on the right, and the espresso/coffee dispenser is on the left. Underneath those is the removable drip tray that slides out for easy dumping/cleaning. To the left of the espresso dispenser you can open up the front door of the unit to access and clean the "brew group" - the unit that receives the ground coffee from the hopper, tamps it, pre-moistens it, brews the coffee & then expels the "puck" (used coffee grounds) into the little compartment you can access on the left side of the machine for easy removal.

I only have to dump the pucks once a week and I've cleaned out the brew group a few times with a soft brush - that's it. The drip tray needs to be dumped & cleaned once a week and the water reservoir needs to be filled every other day or so depending on the demands of the habit.

In the bean hopper you adjust the coarseness of the grind as well as the dosing - how much coffee is used for each brew. Once you have that set to your liking, all you have to do is turn it on (the button on the left), wait about 45 seconds for it to warm up, turn the dial to the amount of coffee (single espresso size to a full mug of 'americana') then press the button in the middle and get ready.


The button on the right is for dispensing hot water, though that's the one thing I don't recommend using as it means refilling the reservoir a lot more often and the water isn't boiling hot - it seems to cool off fairly rapidly. For things requiring hot water the tea kettle seems the most straightforward route.


If you want to steam milk for a cap or latte, after the machine warms up, you turn the little nob on the right side of the machine above the steamer nozzle and wait about 30 seconds for the hot water to turn to steam, then shove that sucker into your pitcher of milk and in a minute or two, you've got hot foamy froth ready to go.


And the crema... look at the crema!


I never minded making a pot of coffee in the mornings before work, but now with this wonderful robot, I have a delicious cup of coffee in a minute, vs. 15 or 20, and each cup is a fresh cup. I'll never go back to a regular coffee machine again.

Ponder that over your next cup of drip...

Time & Energy

This morning I was reminded of something I heard on NPR this past weekend - stories about time, time travel, and a theory about how time is not linear at all. Time just is.

Every moment we experience just is - it's not past, present or future. It exists. Meaning, everything is what it is and we're all here experiencing moments that just are, and there isn't any free will.

Trippy, huh?

What got me thinking about time was energy... That there must be some sort of energy at work that I find fascinating. Before all the wedding hub-bub started, I wasn't unaware of the possibility of getting married. It had occurred to us both long before that time - we'd discussed our feelings about it, the pros & cons. It's not like it hadn't come up before.

But all that time, there were never any "signs" or coincidences that could have shown we were headed in one direction or another. Bear with me, I'll hopefully come to some sort of point in a moment.

So, last December we got engaged and Mom went loopy and started immediately planning everything -- but it was a very low key affair - low stress, low administration - mellow. Not much hub-bub at all, really.

This event didn't take over our lives or become an all out gonzo project requiring time off work. Life proceeded as normal, albeit a little busier than usual. I took Bart to work as I always do, I did a few crosswords now & then and passed the occasional street performer in the Bart station.

In the three months leading up to the wedding, nearly every crossword puzzle I did contained clues about getting married, though previous to this time period, I don't remember seeing any crosswords containing clues like that.

Also in that three month span, every time a certain saxophone player was in the Bart station (about twice a week) he played the same song - the song that's plays when Melanie Griffith and Harrison Ford enter Trask's daughter's wedding reception in the movie Working Girl.

I'd never heard the saxophone player play that before and I would remember it if he had. I love that movie and when I hear that song I can see Melanie and Harrison walking into the crazy tiki reception.

So maybe all this was supposed to happen - or just is. As for the funny coincidences of the crossword puzzles and the saxophone player, I'm not sure how all that fits in.

Some would say that because I was about to get married, I was likely more aware of such things and that's why I noticed them - that it had been happening all along but I didn't realize it because getting married wasn't forefront in my mind.

Well, I've done a number of crosswords since the wedding and I've not come across one with a clue regarding marriage, weddings, cohabitation, dating - nuthin. And this morning the saxophone player was only blowing spit out of his horn.

Ooh! Newsreading!

Last night while watching my favorite local newscast the lead story was the *shocking* announcement that Katy Couric would be leaving the Today Show to become the first solo female anchor of a network news broadcast.

Isn't that amazing!? A solo female anchor on a network broadcast! Aren't you excited!? Isn't it fantastic!? Is anyone else aware of what year it is? Is anyone else wondering why it's taken this long for a woman to hold this job?

Every now & then something reminds me that it wasn't until 1984 that women were allowed to run the marathon in the Olympics. 1984. I'll never understand it. What a joke.

Just One More Day

I'd like to stay here in the desert. The sun is shining and I know at home it's still raining. And I'm not looking forward to going back to "real life," which includes chores, bills, and all the other things we have to do instead of kicking back & playing in the sunshine.

I want to stay where squirrels serve you a bounty of pancakes inside a warm, cozy diner while the sun is shining outside on fresh snow.




As the sign says, this is in Idyllwild, in the mountains west of Palm Desert. Adorable mountain town with very friendly, pancake-serving squirrels.

We Did!

Cutest Cake in the World

Made by Jeff Gosche of Fabino. Isn't it the cutest thing you've ever seen? Only about 5" across. Adorable. And so tasty.

This was a tester for one of the flavors Jeff is making for the party. We're only doing this for the cake. And the booze. Booze and cake - breakfast of champions.

And now I think I know why women, before they get married, go on insane crash diets and lose their minds in the pursuit of losing a few pounds.

Regular, everyday clothes shopping generally doesn't require using a dressing room about the same size as your bathroom with a three-sided mirror covering an entire wall.

Most of us, when buying clothes for work or weekends, just grab what will likely fit - maybe do a rushed fitting in a tiny room with a standard door mirror and that's it - no big deal.

But to buy a nice dress, something you want to be sure will fit and look nice, you go to the nicer stores with the bigger dressing rooms and way too many mirror angles.

What you're able to see in those mirrors is a shock. How long has that been back there? Where did I pick that up? Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was getting wide? Is that really my ass? Did the last person in this fitting room leave some of their ass behind?

Sure, it happens as we get older. I know this. I've read about it many times. That doesn't really matter when you're looking at it square in front of you. Or behind you.

It's a bit too late to worry about all that now, but it does make me less inclined to throw down a Cinnabon.

Steamy

Came home this afternoon after being out & about in drenching downpours and freezing temperatures to see momentary sunshine, the heat of which was steaming the saturated back fence.

Rhymes with Fart

Our sucky subway system messed up my whole day.

I headed into the office a bit later than the crush hour this morning, happy I'd been able to take care of a few things at home before going to work.

All seemed normal as I parked my car & headed towards the station. As I went through the gates, everything still seemed fine. I heard a train approaching & ran up the escalator hoping to catch it before the doors closed, which I did. Looked like my timing had been perfect - I'm so clever.

Once on the train, everyone was chattering - something was amiss. A woman next to me had heard about a fire on the tracks in the Embarcadero station and because of that, no trains were going into San Francisco. The SF train we were on was going only as far as MacArthur. Great.

Another woman was concerned about how she would get to SF, so she asked the train operator, who replied, "I have no idea." What a tool. The woman next to me who was doing a great job of communicating what she knew got up and asked the train operator to please announce what was happening & what they were planning to do about the situation. The delay in SF meant no trains were headed there for 30 minutes or so, which meant system-wide delays. It could mean an hour or more waiting for a SF train.

I jumped off the train at the next stop & headed back on another train, hoping I could drive to work & avoid the mess altogether. I called my boss to give her an update and from where she sits in the building, she could see that traffic was a snarled mess on the bridge, so I went back home.

By noontime, the trains were running on schedule again, so I headed back to the station. I drove up & down around the garage and surrounding parking areas for 20 minutes looking for somewhere to park. Nothing. I ended up borrowing one of the dedicated police spaces, frustrated at the prospect of driving all the way to SF only to circle every block looking for parking there.

I wrote a note to the Molicepan, asking him to please not ticket my car, that all I wanted to do was to finally get into work and that I wouldn't park in his spot again. I hoped for the best.

Once on the platform waiting for a train, I realized I'd worn the wrong coat. Instead of checking train status online, I should have been checking the weather. I was freezing. The radio folks mentioned chance of showers, but nothing about teeth-chattering wind chill. I was wearing a light button up shirt under a feather weight rain coat. Dammit. I was standing on the platform swearing out loud.

I finally got to work and thankfully, the afternoon was trouble free. By the time I left, it was raining - still cold - but at least I was headed home where hopefully my car was still parked in the garage.

I managed to get a seat on the train, which almost never happens, but that didn't mean everything was going to go my way. Lo and behold, after running through the chilly rain from the station to the garage, there was my car - and no ticket on it.

It wouldn't have been such a hassle this morning if the stupid transit system had a communication method that informed you of problems before you get into the station or before you're already on a train.

The fire hadn't just happened - they knew about it as people were filing into the station. The station agent was talking to people as they came up to the booth & asked her what was going on. But there was no public announcement.

Yet, they've gone to the trouble of installing flat panel TV screens outside the station that show pretty photos of buses and when the next one will come.

Those TV screens are positioned where you can see all the buses, and every bus has its own stop with a published schedule on it. But nothing about what's going on with the trains that are upstairs & out of sight. Nice work people. Nice work.