How to Beat a Speeding Ticket

After extensive research and preparation I successfully beat the speeding ticket I got in September and am extremely excited to share my tips.

1. Know the law. On your citation will be the violation code - look it up. Mine was 22350: Basic Speed Law. No person shall drive a vehicle upon a highway at a speed greater than is reasonable or prudent having due regard for weather, visibility, the traffic on, and the surface and width of, the highway, and in no event at a speed which endangers the safety of persons or property.
   
   This means, even if I've exceeded the posted speed limit, which was 30MPH in that area, I can legally drive faster than the posted limit IF it's deemed safe given the conditions at the time. So, regardless of what the radar gun said (allegedly it clocked me at 40), I was likely in the clear and had a strong chance of beating the ticket. Had the gun said 70, probably not so much, and of course that has never ever happened. Ever.
   
   
2. Prepare. In addition to knowing the law, prepare your defense and any questions you might want to ask the citing officer. When you get to court, the officer will testify first, then you have the option of cross examining the officer. This is when you can ask, "So?" in reference to going slightly over the speed limit, or "Is this how we protect our communities, citing hard-working Americans who are just trying to make a living!?"
   
   You can also ask when the last time the radar gun was calibrated, or ask to see the radar gun and point it at the judge or bailiff and see if it detects their speed sitting still. If it reads anything other than zero, you might have a chance of beating it right then. You don't have to ask the officer any questions, but if you want to, be prepared. After the officer testifies, then it's your turn to defend yourself. You can also plead the 5th and not say a word, which seems silly if you've gone to all this trouble to come to traffic court, but that is your right.
   
   
3. Rehearse. Spend every spare moment before your court date rehearsing your defense. If you already talk to yourself constantly like I do, this will be easy. Be sure to stick to the basics - don't go down any tangents that are irrelevant to the case. For example: "Thank you, your Honor. I realize the radar gun may have reported my speed as 40MPH, but given the conditions at the time in that location - a clear, sunny day with excellent visibility and no traffic - I felt I was driving safely in that situation and had no idea I was exceeding the posted speed limit."
   
   Do not continue on to tell the judge about how you almost stopped for Peet's but thought, Nah, I'll go home & save the $2 and then I can be back in my sweats and bathrobe that much faster and watch some Food Network while I dork off on Facebook for a couple of hours and BLAM! that's when she got me with that crappy radar gun - had I only stopped for coffee this would have never happened, and boy, I can tell you, I'll definitely stop for coffee in the future because now I know those lazy cops love to sit at the bottom of that hill and poach for unsuspecting part-time freelance photographers who daydream about coffee and pancakes.
   
   
4. Wardrobe. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of wardrobe when you attend court. Remember, you're trying to look responsible, but not so fancy like you're too special to get a speeding ticket or attend traffic court with the unwashed masses. You need to look put together, but not so dressy that you look ridiculous for coming to court to fight a $200 ticket. This means leave all the sparkly jewelry at home, along with the designer purse, sunglasses and/or shoes, if you have them. This is easy for me as I have none of these distracting items.
   
   Do not dress too casual or like an idiot. Not recommended: sweat pants, hoodies, flip flops, wife beaters, stained t-shirts, camouflage cargo pants, super noisy jewelry that clinks when you move, offensive perfume that chokes everyone around you, crazy high heels that scrape the floor like nails on a chalkboard, and absolutely no pants that have words of any kind plastered on the ass.
   
   For my court date I wore basic black khakis, a clean white t-shirt with a fitted flannel shirt over that, beat up Dansko clogs, a simple silver wedding band, my lucky fire agate ring, lucky necklace and my lucky panties. I may have also tapped every surface I touched three times and promised to volunteer with disadvantaged kids if I got off.
   
   
5. Hair. Wash it. This is non negotiable. Have you ever smelled unwashed hair? I'm on the verge of puking just thinking about it. This has nothing to do with the topic of this post, but this is a huge peeve of mine. If you're going to get up, put on clothes and leave the house, why wouldn't you do all of us a favor and take a damn shower and wash your greasy, smelly head? Please? Oofah - that smell is disgusting. Never mind how it looks - it's the smell. Please. Wash it. Five minutes - what's five minutes to prevent mass barfing?
   
   
6. Be punctual. Get to court on time. If the time says 8:45, get there at 8:30. You'll have to clear security - that reminds me, leave your knives, guns, crossbows, etc. at home - they'll confiscate them at security. You might also need to find parking, pee, and text message your friends about how sucky it is that you had to get up early and go to traffic court and couldn't wear your fleece robe. Well, you could, but...
   
   
7. Check in. When you get to court and the clerk opens up the courtroom to let in the losers attendants, check in once he/she is back at the desk. The bailiff will remind you if you wander in and just sit down.
   
   
8. Wait. Wait patiently in your seat for court to begin and *silently* rehearse your defense. Try not to whip your head around every time someone comes in, wondering if it's the officer who cited you. Act casual. You're confident in your defense. You're a good person and this was just an unfortunate misunderstanding. Try not to look totally effing annoyed that here you are again, wasting valuable time you could be spending catching up on Twitter to deal with this goddamm ticket.
   
   
9. The officer. The officer who cited you will have been subpoenaed to attend court and will likely show up, which is why you need to do your homework and prepare your defense. Do not expect that he/she won't show and you can just stand up when your name is called and have the judge tell you "case dismissed." That would be nice, but it rarely happens. Hours of research, preparation and careful wardrobe selection (including lucky panties) is critical to helping to successfully beat the ticket and get it dismissed. I cannot stress that enough.
   
   
10. Be polite. When the judge enters the courtroom everyone has to stand up as the bailiff announces that court is now in session and the honorable Judge McClearmyticket is presiding. Then the clerk will ask everyone to raise their right hands and swear that the truth is truthy, then you can sit down and wait until the judge calls your name. If you got to court on time to check the docket posted outside, you'll have seen your place in the roll call to know when your name will be called.
    
    The judge will then explain how traffic court works and often will tell the court that there will be several cases dismissed. He'll then start down the list of cases and one-by-one, ask if the citing officers are present. When he gets to your case he'll first ask if the officer is present. When he realizes she is not, he'll say your name and that's when you stand up and hear him tell you "case dismissed" and the bail you paid (in case you couldn't beat it) will be refunded in time for Christmas. Try to refrain from shouting "FUCK YEAH!" and instead politely thank the judge and skip out of the courtroom and take yourself out to a pancake breakfast.
    

Hope you found these tips helpful.

I'm OK You're OK

OK?

Paraphrasing something I think Larry David said, every human interaction is rife with potential peril. I appreciate that sentiment now more than ever.

While I do my best to avoid drama, it happens. Sometimes it's for the best and shouldn't be avoided. Doesn't make it any easier. I wish it hadn't happened the way it did, but I can't change it now. I'm sure I could have handled things better, but I can only be myself and do the best I can.

It's been a very difficult week trying to understand what happened and how something that seemed fairly minor became a friendship-ending event. While I take full responsibility for my part in all of it, the other person is convinced that all the blame lies with me.

Switching places for a moment, I can understand the highly emotional reaction that makes me the antichrist, but to accept no responsibility? So much was said by both of us, that makes no sense whatsoever.

What's interesting about having a falling out with someone is what they might try to project onto you, showing you all the things they're really upset about with themselves. The other thing that's interesting is that no matter what you think you know about someone, you only see what they let you see. There's an ocean of shit you can never know until you get into a difficult spot and they reveal things that show you a totally different picture.

What's worse than losing a friend is realizing whatever friendship you thought you had wasn't strong enough to overcome a problem. I don't think you can call anyone a true friend until you've weathered some shit together and found a way to work through it.

It must have been a huge shock to realize I'm not all about cracking jokes and being silly. That's life. It's not all Happy Fun Ball all the time. Sometimes things get sticky and serious. I'm sure it was a crappy way to learn more about me and that sucks.

Overall, it's been a shitty couple of weeks but now I'm relieved. Seems better to find out early if someone is too emotionally damaged to meet you halfway than lose a ton of time and energy trying to make the impossible work.

What I'm left with is the reminder to stay true to yourself in all things and no matter what anyone else says, trust yourself and your vision. Onward.

Blog Slackfest 2009

Cheezus crust, I cannot believe how much I've slacked off on the blog. What a loser. No excuses. I haven't made the time. One post for all of October. Happy lazy-ass Halloween.

How can I make the time to write when I've become so accustomed to distilling my thoughts into 140-character tweets? If it takes more than 140 characters to say it, then I'm not editing enough.

On top of that, if I can't be bothered to come up with more than 140 characters, who's going to take the time to read any more than that? Twitter and Facebook have totally ruined my attention span.

But I can't put all the blame on Twitbooking. I've been trying to launch a business. My very own actual little tiny business. Not the kind where I work at home in my pajamas while a big company keeps farming out freelance work to me, though I enjoyed that very much when I could get it.

No, this is an actual business (photography) that I'll be responsible for marketing, promoting, and running - profitably, I hope. It's a ton of work and a bit scary, but it's also a ton of fun. I've never worked so hard in all my life or been so tired, but I'm loving it.

Even more fun, it looks like David scored a sweet job at the studio where he was hoping to work, so it looks like everything is falling into place as it should. The improved household feng shui has everything to do with it. I'm only halfway joking. It doesn't hurt.

Happy November!

Mehtag

Before we moved back to Cali, we sold our little Danby dishwasher to our neighbor and bought a full-sized Maytag portable dishwasher when we got back. I was all excited - a full-sized magic cleaning box... and a Maytag! They're great, right? Not so much.

There aren't a ton of options for portable dishwashers but I was happy to find a Maytag in our price range, so I bought it. It wasn't the most expensive model, but it wasn't the very cheapest - or at least I didn't think it was.

We definitely ended up with the budget model. I think it was made from recycled 2-liter pepsi bottles. It pretty much works like you'd imagine a mostly plastic, lightweight dishwasher would. It sterilizes the food/food film on the plates/glasses/silverware, but it doesn't necessarily clean anything. I'm just happy it hasn't leaked, and it does provide another surface for clutter accumulation - always handy.

Now I miss the Danby. That thing worked like a champ. But as long as I pre-clean the dishes for Mehtag, it works great.

Lamesurance

[Graphic courtesy of Ms. Crafty - thank you! I'd explain what it means, but it's a long story. A select few will understand its meaning in relation to this post. For the rest, just enjoy the cute, lumbering blue whale that can't seem to not bash itself in the head repeatedly.]

So, I know my story is nothing compared to what many people are dealing with, but I thought it was worth mentioning as another example of how "regular folks" are affected by the lack of affordable coverage for basic care.

Some would say I'm far from regular, but I disagree. I get lots of fiber.

When we got back from Canaduh I signed up for a basic plan from a provider, the name of which rhymes with Flue Yield of Palifornia. Seemed like a good plan that would let me see a doctor if I needed to but not cost a fortune every month. My premium is about $135/month and the deductible is $2,900 per year.

I saw the Caribbean Gyno for an annual exam and had no co-pay. That was cool. The doc wrote me two referrals, one for a mammogram (haven't had one in three years) and an ultrasound to look at one of my ovaries, the one that explodes like a super nova every few months.

She was very helpful, explaining when to schedule the ultrasound during my cycle to ensure the best results and said I could likely get both tests scheduled on the same day. I went away happy to have such a proactive doctor helping me out with my Lady Parts.

Later that week I got everything scheduled - same day, perfectly timed - and felt great about getting that taken care of. Neither test is pleasant, but I was actually excited to find out what might be going on with the ovary. If that thing blows up again, I'm going to take it out myself.

The day before my appointments I got a cryptic phone message from someone at USCF. I called back the next morning and spoke to a friendly guy who explained to me that because my deductible is $2,900, they'd be charging me $700 for the mammogram and $1,500 for the ultrasound.

I thanked him very much for the information and told him I'd be canceling my appointments for the day. I forgot about that big ol' deductible... When my annual exam was covered, I guess I didn't realize the tests the doctor had ordered wouldn't be. Actually, I don't know if my annual exam IS covered... I might get a bill for that at some point.

If I were working full-time or more consistently, I could probably afford $2,200 for standard tests or just buy a better plan that covers them.

The silly thing is, if there is something wrong that requires major care down the road, the insurance company will likely pay out way more $$ than they would if the problem was found (and fixed) much earlier. i.e., If they covered the tests I need now, they'd probably save money in the long run.

But hey, as someone recently said, health insurance is not a right - you get what you can afford. If all I can afford is a plan that prevents bankruptcy, then that's what I get. But I'm paying $135/month, and all that buys me is one annual doctor's appointment and $10 generic drugs? Really?

I would love to see health insurance reform that makes the entire process completely transparent. I want price lists posted on doctors' websites like you'd see for auto mechanics. I would love to see independent audits that keep everyone honest.

The goal now is to work harder at making good money so I can afford the kind of coverage I want. The American way, right? While I'm busting my ass to afford a better plan, Flue Yield of Palifornia will clear another 8 Billion - BILLION - dollars (or more) this year. Billion with a B.

Stupid Tired

[before]

We keep waking up soooper tired. So tired that even when we wake up after 7 or 8 hours in bed, we feel like we could sleep all day. I wonder if there's a carbon monoxide leak somewhere, but I'm too tired to find the detector.

I was so tired this morning that after looking inside two different boxes of cereal only to see the bags inside closed up with a "chip clip," I had toast.

It was way too much work to reach inside the box, undo the clip and unroll the plastic bag. Not to mention having to find a bowl, pour the cereal into it, then walk ALL THE WAY over to the fridge - christ, I'm exhausted all over again just thinking about it.

The painting of the soon-to-be-former-blue room has taken nearly a decade, when you include all the years I've wanted to paint it but never made the time. Since before we moved in I've wanted that sad, dreary color sandblasted off those walls.

Well, it's finally happening. After two years off & on - mostly off - as of today we have:

• stripped the window trim & doors (done two years ago!)
  
• spackled four hundred tiny cracks in the plaster walls and ceiling
• built a proper frame for the access "door" I made to repair the wall the plumbers cut open years ago to fix broken shower pipes
• sanded more than we wanted to (mmm... lead paint)
  
• made & vacuumed up enough dust to clog the estuary
• ripped out all the window caulking (something we get to redo when we're done painting - yay!)
  
• TSPed top to bottom (though, not the ceiling, 'cause who gives a shit if there's stain on the ceiling - there's nothing up there I need to look at)
• slapped two coats of primer all over that goddamm room

This room has been the worst - way worse than a much larger room where we removed all the wallpaper. Not sure why. I think there's a ghost in there that really loves that shitty color.

Everything takes five times longer than you think it will and now there's a part of one wall where the old paint started peeling up as soon as the primer hit it, so we have to go back & scrape all that off as best we can without destroying the 100-year-old plaster, then hope the primer sticks.

But - BUT - once that's done, the new paint is going up. A warm, inviting, cozy color... dare I say it, something pleasing to the eye. I'm not sure I'll believe it until I see it, on the walls, in real life, instead of tiny paint chips taped onto the wall.

Then, we're gonna move a Barcalounger in there and I'm going to curl up in it and sleep there for seven years.

Ads That Fail

A minor thing, but it's irritating the sh*t out of me. I present the following:

The Wells Fargo billboards with the copy, "With you when you have questions." The words they chose to underline? "With you when" Wouldn't the better emphasis be "With you"? We're with you. Regardless. All the time. Always. With you when? I'm not sure - when? Where? Lame.

Next, Kaiser Permanente's billboard promoting fitness/getting outdoors, a nice photo of a trail in the woods with the copy: "Do tread on me" The word they emphasized? - "tread." Not "do," but "tread." Why not "Do tread on me"? Do it! Get off the couch and do it! Or just leave out "do" and make it "Tread on me." Lame.

Then there's the homegrown cable TV ad for a channel that provides info about local road trips. It's a computer animated piece that shows a road winding through a barren landscape, nothing on either side of it, and the road ends at a cartoony sign with the channel info.

So, not only is the "road trip" ad showing you absolutely nothing that might sell you on the idea of a road trip, let alone the idea of tuning into the channel for road trip info, the road DEAD ENDS in that barren landscape. Not at a lovely destination of some sort - beach, amusement park, vista point, mountain lodge or similar - just a barren, empty, wasteland of lame public access cable TV. FAIL.

Finally, the latest BMW ad showing a dufus holding an unlit light bulb in the dark. He's talking about how Americans are so responsible or something, but the bulb is UNLIT and he's standing IN THE DARK.

Not sure what a light bulb has to do with being responsible, except that it is a compact fluorescent bulb he's holding... But wouldn't it have been much more effective, nay, clever, to have the dufus hold a LIT light bulb? Wouldn't that be much more engaging, visually? Hello! Television!

Then, as he's talking about how BMW is committed to helping to lower emissions - I guess they're trying to be environmentally responsible - the room lights up with a million ginormous bulbs that are not CFLs. HILarious. FAIL.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Boobcast

This week I got to be a guest on a friend's podcast on the topic of boobs. I thought I could be helpful. Brought to you by Alan Home on UGTV.org.

• Boobcast
  
• UGTV.org podcasts

The Clap?

Lady Parts Alert [LPA] - nothing graphic. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

I went to the doctor last week because, well, I was fairly sure I'd come down with a UTI. Nothing serious - it happens, though thankfully this was only the second one I've ever had. But once you've had one, you never forget that special feeling when it's time to pee.

When I first felt the signs I called my doctor, who of course wasn't available to take my call, but I left a message and asked that she call in a Rx for me - usually they'll do this with just a phone call, UTIs are that common for women.

In the meantime, I did some research on those newfangled set of tubes called the interwebs. Turns out, there's a whole new homeopathic remedy for bladder infections, way better than the once tried & true cranberry.

Not that cranberry juice/capsules aren't helpful - cranberry is still a good supplement to help prevent UTIs, but even better: D-mannose. D-mannose is a healthy sugar that occurs naturally in cranberries, blueberries, peaches, oranges, and apples.

However, D-mannose is not well metabolized by humans, so it doesn't affect blood sugar levels - it goes straight to the bladder where its molecules act as a sort-of magnet for the bacteria that cause UTIs. The D-mannose binds with the bacteria and it's flushed out in the urine.

You have to take a lot of it, and it's a little expensive, but the upside is that it's not an antibiotic - that's huge (and you don't have to go to the doctor - also good). The antibiotics can often cause a yeast infection, because they kill ALL the bacteria - wiping out the good stuff that keeps the yeast in check. Who doesn't love a yeast infection on top of a bladder infection!? Party!

The downside is, it takes a while to work, so things are uncomfortable for a few days, and you feel like you have a mild flu. Just to be safe, I saw my doctor so she could test a sample and do a culture and all that fun business. The D-mannose should work, but if the UTI is caused by a different type of bacteria, it may not.

The tricky thing about UTIs, if they're not cured quickly, they can become kidney infections, so it's good to get them cleared up as soon as possible. I'd had mine for about a week by the time I got to the doctor and it seemed like it was lingering. Just in case, she prescribed an antibiotic which I dutifully took because the results from the urine culture wouldn't be ready until after the weekend.

Today I called the office to get the results of the culture. The nurse looked up my file and said, "You're calling about the chlamydia test?" With a gasp I said, "AM I?" I told her I WAS calling about a possible bladder infection, but was there more information I should have?

I heard papers shuffling and then she said, "Oh no, I was looking at the wrong file - here's your results..." Which, interestingly enough, came back negative. That was great news, but certainly a strange way to get it.

The point is, the D-mannose worked. I didn't need the antibiotics and thankfully didn't take very many and cycled in probiotics between doses to try to keep things balanced. Still, if there's any way to avoid that stuff, it's worth it.

Those pills had me woozy, a bit nauseated, tired, and maybe even a wee bit depressed. Maybe I'm just a candy ass, but that stuff is rough. The warnings & list of side effects is frightening.

So, ladies, get yourself some D-mannose and use it like any other supplement - one or two a day and that should help keep the plumbing healthy. Yay, sugar!

Will Blog for $$

I just realized why I don't post as often as I used to. You may not know this - it took me a while to figure it out, because I'm sharp like that - but maintaining your own blog for fun doesn't come with a paycheck.

"Get OUT!" you say! I know, right? I was shocked.

So, as you've probably noticed, the frequency of posts has really dropped off. Not that I've been slammed making money doing something else - I should be, since these bills don't seem to pay themselves - I don't even know what I've been doing.

I got back from Canada in mid July, took a nap and when I woke up it was almost September.

Now I'm panicking because there's no money coming in and I have no effing clue about how to quickly fix that problem. The lottery always works, right? I should remember to buy a ticket.

There are a couple of things in the works but I can't yet feel where I might be headed. Usually I have a sense about what's going to happen and that's pretty much how it goes. Right now, I have no idea what the future holds. The Magic 8 Ball hasn't been as helpful as I'd hoped it would be.

I blame the current lack of feng shui in the house. With one room still unfinished and unable to move in to, the house is still full of boxes & displaced furniture. It's possible that I'll be stuck in this frustrating limbo until we're totally settled.

So that only means one thing. Now that the heat wave has passed, it's time to TSP that stupid room and get it painted ASAP. I might even do some smudging, though the TSP might be enough - that shit doesn't mess around. Whatever might be lingering in there is no match for that potent solution. Did you know, TSP is used as a poultry rinse? Mmm... tasty.

Check back often to find an ongoing lack of new posts.