So... Slow... Gasp...

I've gone back in time. Back to a time known as "dial up." You'll notice today's post contains no photos. In times like these, photos are a luxury we cannot afford.

I'm in central Oregon for a quick trip and because the wireless cable isn't currently active at the parents' place, I opted for ye olde modemme so I wouldn't have to camp at the downtown Starbucks all day. It's a trade off, but I know I made the right choice.

A whole house to myself full of coffee, food, booze, a toasty fireplace, a magic espresso box and comfy couches where I can work in my PJs - or a drafty coffee shop and a public bathroom...

My mother stocks enough food in her pantry that I could be here indefinitely and not need to shop for anything. And there's more booze here than you'd find in a dozen frat houses - better quality, too.

Because the cable isn't on, I'm relegated to Oregon Public Broadcasting and local radio. OPB is the only channel that works without cable. Last night I watched the conclusion to Jane Eyre and tonight's show is something to do with WWII. I already feel a whole 'nother grade level smarter.

More to come about the joys of small airplane travel. While it's no fun flying in a RedBull can, on the plus side, Alaska/Horizon Air gives out complimentary beer & wine.

OCSD

That stands for Offensive Coin Slot Display. And was it ever. Sweet chocolate christmas, I dry heaved when it happened.

It was an otherwise typical evening, waiting for my train, when it tottered by. It wasn't a fashion mistake by a clueless tween. It was an incredible accident by an adult male. It's distressing just thinking about it all over again.

Making Fiends

Before I sign off for Wednesday, huge thanks to Ms. Crafty for hipping me to makingfiends.com, where I burned a couple of hours yesterday watching amusing cartoons with catchy songs about monkeys and #2 pencils. Funniest thing I've seen in Flash since homestarrunner.


Can't wait to learn all the lyrics to the #2 pencil song.

Kinda Shredded

I've had that bug going around that saps every last drop of energy out of you and converts it into snot packed into your sinuses.

Slogging back & forth from Bart is already a drag, but becomes much more so when feeling like a wet paper sack.

Earlier this week I saw the little black cat that loiters around that area and became consumed with worry about this poor little kitty living in skeevetown near busy streets where no one gives a shit about driving the speed limit or waiting for a green light.

On Monday the traffic lights at the intersection by the garage were blinking red, and as I waited to make my left turn, a dipshit coming from the opposite lane blew straight through the intersection. He never even slowed down.

As I walked to the train after parking my car on Monday, I overheard a woman asking a man who had also just parked if they really check for permits before 10 a.m. Um, yes, they do, you lazy ass, and thanks for taking a spot I pay for every month.

Can't afford to pay the monthly fee? Then don't park there. Or get there earlier when there's plenty of parking for ONE GIANT DOLLAR on the top three floors of the garage.

I want is a ranch large enough where I can save all the beautiful kitties in the world and a Peet's coffee nearby.

Willy Wonkuh

This week I watched Tim Burton's version of Charlie & The Chocolate Factory and as the credits rolled by, I happened to see the name of a guy I went to high school with.

Sometimes I watch movie credits thinking I might see a familiar name - you never know. It would be unlikely to stumble across an old chum in such a way. Except for this time.

I emailed my Dad & asked him if it might be the same guy - my dad knows his dad - and sho 'nuff, it's the same guy!

And that's the biggest news I have this week besides my sugarless diet. Wait, no, that's not true. Alec Baldwin called David, personally, to tell him he was outside our bedroom window and that David had a nice behind.

Also, we scooped out cat boxes, ran two loads of dishes in the dishwasher AND ordered in dinner one night. We're normally not such rock stars, but this was a particularly glamorous week.

Sans Sucre!

It's true - I'm off sugar... mostly... and feelin' good. I've always had a sweet tooth, but it's a manageable addiction since we don't keep any garbage food in the house.

But then Christmastime arrives, and my mother goes into Red Sugar-Coated Cross mode, sending us endless boxes of goodies and treats. Why she thinks we need a metric ton of Biscoff cookies, giant chocolate wreaths, and many many many tubs of sugar chocolate coated gobs of sugary treats, I'll never know.

I love that she loves us that much - it's very sweet. Literally. But snacking on that stuff made me feel like crap. One day a few weeks ago, I had a couple of Biscoffs with a cup of coffee and a half an hour later, the crash was brutal. That was it. No more sugar.

I must confess, on Monday I had a dark chocolate pot de creme that I couldn't pass up. It was well worth it and thankfully there wasn't a crash because it was tiny and my lunch was very healthy.

But that's it - no other refined sugar, and it's been good. There are no more cravings and no interest in it when it's nearby.

It's good in other ways besides alleviating cravings & energy crashes. Sugar causes an insulin spike, which causes inflammation on a cellular level, and inflammation causes cells to age.

Read the entire lecture on Insulin and Its Metabolic Effects by Dr. Rosedale. It's long, but good info.

Now I just need that 24/7 room service/personal chef/grocery shopper to have all that healthy food ready to go whenever I need it.

Stats Piling Up

No surprise, Jack is off to a quick start. His first GTA (grand theft auto) happened within the first half hour and he killed the first terrorist with an inspired bite to the jugular vein - that was a first for me in a TV show.

We realized it might be impossible to keep an accurate count of Chloe's frowns/eye rolling and decided every time she's in a scene, count three and that's probably safe.

While The Interweb category included specific quotes we thought would be enough, we've now widened that category to include any/all fantastical use of the Interweb, such as a clear, detailed map appearing on a standard cell phone after Jack types longitude/latitude coordinates, perfectly centered, into a clean, white screen.

The other Interweb point was for the clarity enhancement of Jack's photo on a satellite surveillance image, which we know always works. Looked fuzzy from a distance, but when you zoom in 10x, *that's* when it becomes crystal clear.

And we realized, this being the 6th season, we overlooked an important category, the "I'm Too Old For This Shit" category, noting Jack's two mentions of, "I can't do this anymore."

We also noted, as with past seasons, Jack's been up & at 'em for two hours now and has not had a proper breakfast nor has he visited the loo.

Extra points for the writers for creating a sleeper family member, Sandra Palmer.

For more fun stuff about Jack, enjoy Jack Bauer is God, a fun takeoff on the Chuck Norris Facts that were included in last year's "Best Non Required Reading of 2006."

Go Jack!

Children of Sad

Gah... If you're in the mood for a good cry, go see Children of Men. I knew it would be dark and sad, but I went anyway.

Great film, but I'm done seeing movies that paint such a bleak picture of what could be. It makes me focus too much on how fucked up things are and how not enough people seem to give a shit and we're all ultimately doomed.

Maybe it can be a good thing to show a view of a dystopian future to wake up those who need it, but for those of us doing what we can to make a good future, already sensitive to the horribleness going on, it's a little overwhelming. Or as some say, it's very sadful.

24 Drinking Game

Drink or I'll shoot! DO IT!!!

Created by David, to be enjoyed by all:

Title	Event
Adult Language	Jack Uses Profanity
Collateral Damage	Non-CTU Agent, Soldier, Policeman or Terrorist killed
Presidential Citation	Sherri Palmer/David Palmer mentioned by full name
GTA	Jack Steals a vehicle (Helicopters = double penalty)
Beatdown	Jack whips someone's ass (Snapping a Limb = double penalty)
Citing Protocol	Anyone in CTU cites "Protocol" (only drink on first event or risk missing entire episode due to drunkenness)
The Octagon	Chuck Norris Cameo (pause show consume entire margarita)
Penal State	Anyone is put in holding cell 1 or 2
Dramatic Pause	The Chief of Staff takes off his glasses for dramatic accent
Cliffhanger	Jack screams NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Magnum Force	Jack intentionally kills someone (non-firearm kills are a double penalty)
Chloe Award	Chloe sneers, frowns, rolls eyes or snorts like Napoleon Dynamite
Red Shirt Penalty	Any CTU agent is killed (Jack Bauer excepted)
Executive Power	Jack speaks to the President via phone
Magic Bullet	Jack reloads his pistol/rifle/machine gun/shotgun/taser/nailgun
High Drama	Cut to a commercial but clock doesn't beep
Eye in the Sky	CTU boss peers through office blinds at anyone (ominously)
The Interweb	Anyone in CTU says "Open a Socket" or "Send/Transfer … to my Screen"
Moment of Zen	Jack says "Put Down Your Weapon" (Combined w/ profanity is double)
Black Belt Jones	Curtis is shot, beaten, stabbed, lied to or otherwise disrespected
You're Fired	Someone orders the arrest, interrogation, murder or firing of Jack Bauer
Hand of God	Use of satellite to locate a moving vehicle (requires real-time video feed)
Phonus Interruptus	Cell phone call is abruptly cut off or taken away mid-sentence...
Gag Reflex	American Idol promo during commercial break
Capitalism Rules	Obvious Product Placement/Use of Logo (ex., Ford, Sony, Dell, Cingular) * Just count these up and have a drink at end of episode, salute to America
The Insider	Anyone addresses President by his/her first name
Busted	Anyone at CTU says "Division" is calling or "Division is sending someone over"

David hates Kim Bauer so much, he left her out of the game altogether. If Kim appears in any episode, I think that's a beer bong penalty.

We'll be keeping stats throughout the season. Any guesses on which event might top the charts?

Pirate Modeling

Best Box O Fun ever!

This pirate lunch box gem was one of many incredible gifts in the Archie McPhee "Mystery Box" that included fabulous prizes too numerous to mention, along with the patented (or should be) Box O Fun.

David especially loved the "monkey in the glass" cocktail napkins, but there was much, much more. It will take us until at least next Christmas to play with all the toys. Thank you Rooty, for hours of family fun - you're too good to us.

In other news, my career as a model is finally about to explode. After many years of not working at it or doing anything whatsoever to pursue such a career, my moment has finally come.


I got a call late last week from a local talent agency, specializing in "real people" talent, with a potential job.

I'd long since forgotten about having registered with them when the email arrived. But as luck would have it, I was available and apparently, still "real" enough for a photo shoot.


It was fun - super nice people, mellow studio - and most fun was watching the photographer and his assistant work.

---

On Tuesday I had to drive into the city and on the way home, I noticed a disturbing number of dead birds along the curb on the lower deck of the Bay Bridge. I used to commute on that bridge for years and never before have I seen so many dead birds.

Is it that they were mostly the young'uns that haven't learned how to negotiate around the bridge? Is the new eastern span construction disrupting their behavior? Or is it something else?

Which reminds me... After reading about the UFO in Chicago, it seems like a close encounter could actually happen before my time here is over. I guess we'll see, eh?

It's Official

It was remarkably easy to get a business license in our little ol' town. I went down to City Hall not knowing exactly what all I might need to do, but figured if nothing else I'd learn once I got there.

A nice lady behind thick glass told me I had to fill out a couple of forms and see the planning folks for the permit to operate a business out of my home, then I could come back and have her finish the process. Everyone was nice as pie and and I was done with the whole thing in about 30 minutes.

Now I guess I'd better get to work. I need some inventory. A warehouse. Ooh, a forklift! Maybe I'll get the forklift next month.

Off To a Quick Start

2007 is getting busy. I'm heading up to Oregon at the end of this month to meet the other volunteer museum photographers & sync up on the show.

I still need to finish my submission prep and send that up. Then I have another shoot for the food bank. And I need to remember to keep showing up at my day job.

It will soon be time to disengage from the corporate teat. It's nice security, but at this point, I'm not sure the security is making up for the soul-sucking despair.

I could always go back to waitressing. Tips AND a square meal - not too shabby.

So Happy To Be Back

Such a great day. Started off with a nice enough staff meeting, then I was pulled into a meeting with Mothra who was laying piles of eggs all over the office about pages that hadn't yet been posted live.

It's just such a joy to come into a meeting where the first thing I have to say is, "You have to calm down - seriously - please, calm down," before I can begin to repeat the same information I've already supplied four times before.

Mothra didn't think I was making her content a top priority. Never mind the fact that I cannot control the technology used to publish this content. It's like complaining to my boss that I still haven't made the city streets out of chocolate.

It's amazing how hard it is to resist the urge to stand up and wrap your hands tightly around someone's throat.

Only if I want to be forcibly escorted out of the building can I give into those urges. That day may come, but I need to take some stuff home first.

Then there was the kickoff meeting to build a tool there's no data or research to support. If there is, no one's offering it up, yet everyone sat there saying, Oh yes, let's build this thing we can't even implement with our own technology (or technology skills), even though we don't even know if anyone would use it or if it would provide any real value whatsoever - yes - let's - let's run right down the path to more spending and development hell because why not - what else are we going to do to fill the time 'til summer vacation?

Don't get me wrong - I love technology. I love widgets. But I wouldn't dump hundreds of thousands of dollars into widget development unless I knew the investment might be worthwhile. What I can't understand is why isn't anyone asking for data and research to support such projects?

Is it because it's not their own money that our business partners don't seem to give a shit about how much is wasted by poor planning and a lack of research? If the research is there, just tell me and I'll shut up.

Wouldn't it be better to be strategic and not just do what everyone else is doing, but do something even better? I probably should just shut up anyway.

Happy New Year!

To a good year, eh?

Thanks Ritz Carlton in Dana Point for donating this fine glass to my collection.
Cheers.