Tell It, Oprah!

I usually couldn't give a rat's ass what Oprah says or thinks about anything. I know, how un-American of me... I also won't read any book that makes her list. But I digress...

It was nice to see a snippet in the news about Oprah wanting to tell Rihanna that if he hits you once, he'll do it again. And again. And again. It's true, sister. I hope Oprah can reach her.

I don't like to talk about it, but I was once in one of those relationships. Thankfully I was never punched, choked or bitten, but he was working toward that.

It was emotional, verbal and psychological abuse that began slowly and over time escalated into shoving, pushing, physical threats, throwing things at me and breaking my belongings - lots of shit broken.

In the beginning it can be very subtle - giant red flags I now see with hindsight. At the time, you may not fully recognize it or don't want to believe it's happening. There's also the lame thought that you can change him. Needless to say, you can't. No one can, though I'm a big believer in traction. Six months in traction might do a lot to help someone reevaluate his life. If only.

That's another job I would enjoy. A oil-soaked Louisville slugger and a list of names. Available to start now. Anyway...

Over time, they can get inside your head well enough so that you lose the strength to leave. Your confidence and self-esteem erodes as the shame builds. You want to get out or cry for help, but the fear and shame is paralyzing. If you get caught talking to anyone about it, that will mean more pain. It also doesn't help if they spend all your money, leaving you financially unable to get out.

The situation is very sad, but one silver lining might be that people might better understand how common it is. Being rich or famous doesn't make anyone immune to domestic violence. More important, abuse isn't always just physical. If someone is trying to control another person in any way, it's wrong. No debate. What might seem harmless now won't be in the future.

Looking back, it's hard to say what might have helped me. I had to find my own way out when I could make it happen. If I had a ton of money and rich friends, I have to think I'd have been able to leave much sooner. At the same time, if I wasn't strong enough to do it, it may not have mattered. (Thankfully I had just enough money and a wonderful friend who was a lifesaver.)

Until Rihanna realizes on her own that he is nothing more than a poisonous parasite, there's not much anyone can do to help. At least she has the financial resources to get out whenever she's ready. I hope she gets there soon.

If anyone out there is wondering if you're in a healthy relationship, get help. Talk to your friends, read corny self-help books, go online, but most important, trust your gut. If that little voice is telling you something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Don't ignore it. You're not alone and many other women have been there.

There's lots of help out there (here?). For example:

• DA signs and symptoms
• Signs of Domestic Violence
  
• DV - Recognize the Patterns
  
• National DV Hotline
• Women's Aid UK
• Women's Shelter info & links on Wiki
• La Casa de las Madres SF

And if you like-a de Oprah, tune in on Thursday - the whole show will be about domestic violence.

Too Direct?

Soo... tomorrow is my last day, and today I was asked to give input on a sticky situation they're trying to improve. It's only been a problem for 2+ years. Better late than ignore it forever, right?

But still, I'm happy to help. There's a huge advantage to solving the problem, and the solution is simple if you have the authority to make the call. And I love to make things better.

The problem is... primarily one guy. His boss, too, but they can easily be considered the same person, give or take a few things. That's oversimplifying to some degree - there are a number of factors contributing to the problem, but at its core is the unproductive behavior of one or two people.

The thing is, it's gotta be OK to stand up and say exactly what the issues are and how they might be fixed, even if that means saying a person, or a person's behavior is the problem. There comes a time when saying "we need to improve collaboration and communication" isn't going to solve the problem.

Why is there so much fear around stating exactly what (or who) the problem is? To use a sports analogy, if the pitcher on a baseball team decides he's also going to play shortstop, first base and manager, would that player be allowed to continue that shit unchecked?

Not a chance. The manager would step in and set him straight or cut him loose, because he has a job to do and if he's not going to do it, they'll get someone who will, and they already have good players working in the other positions. And to let him go unchecked destroys the unity and productivity of the team.

It's crazy that this situation has continued for so long, obviously a detriment to the company and its productivity, but if they finally end up fixing it, then it wasn't a total loss. Better late than dance around it for another 2 years. I wish them luck and hope it all works out.