Werekitty Kitty Kitty

Just when you think you've gotten through a rough patch, something else happens and you're dealing with another problem. It's always something.

Yesterday I was under the weather all day dealing with either mild food poisoning or a lower GI bug - either way, it wasn't a fun day. I like a good purge as much as the next girl, but a full day of cramping and weakness was a killer, especially with so much left to do for the move.

I went to bed a little early and got a good night's sleep. Until the big, retarded cat started making noise as only he can at 6:30am. As he woke me up, I realized I felt a lot better and would be able to catch up on the stuff I couldn't do the day before.

El Gato Retardo found his way into an old, empty moving box - a weird one that folds over on top and tucks into handles on the sides. It was up on its side, propped open, so the cats couldn't get trapped inside it, as had just happened the day before (two got inside then the third curled up on top, holding the others captive - an impressive trick, when you think about it).

He was sitting inside the box, pulling old tape off the cardboard with his teeth. I really wanted to go back to sleep, so I got up to remove him from the box.

As he typically does, he becomes three times heavier and sinks down into the bottom of the box, refusing to vacate. So I did what I always do, I tried to upend the box to help him find his way out.

Unfortunately, the dumbshit stuck his foot through the hole in the side and FLIPPED OUT because the WORLD WAS ENDING WITH HIS FOOT IN THE HOLE. Meowling like he was being branded with a hot poker, I tried to free his leg, and that's when he chomped down on my hand like it was a tuna steak.

As I screamed bloody murder, he got free and tore out of the bedroom and I ran to the bathroom sink. The cold water felt like kerosene in my pretty puncture wounds. I bled and bled, then washed the wounds with soap and poured four gallons of hydrogen peroxide in them.

When the foaming subsided, I found a band aid and went online to refresh my memory on treating puncture wounds. That's when I found the website with user posts about the WORLD ENDING BECAUSE OF A GANGRENE HAND AS A RESULT OF A CAT BITE.

Totally freaked out, reading about super strong IV antibiotics, tetanus shots, days in the hospital and hand surgery, I called the 24/7 nurse line. A kind, sleepy RN recommended I skeedaddle right down to my local clinic for some of those antibiotic horsey pills.

But wouldn't my oregano oil and probiotic capsules knock it out? Maybe, in time, but since I'm about to drive to Canada in a matter of days, I thought it smarter to get the big guns and nip it in the bud. I'll slam the pills any day if that means I don't have to get that effed up tetanus shot.

Now I'm on the horse pills - Augmentin - staggering that with probiotics in hopes of avoiding the yeast infection side affect. If things continue in this manner, I suppose I can look forward to starting my period with a yeast infection as I drive to Canada with a throbbing hand the size of a football.

Huge thanks to Cameron for letting me drag him to the Walgreens after lunch to pick up my Rx, and for his help choosing the right Monistat - there's the One Day, the Day & Night, the Three Day, Five Day, Twelve Day All Day, Gentle Applicator Day, Topical Anti-Itch Day and the Six Nights and Three Days varieties - they all look like so much fun, I wanted to get them all.

Bravo 2-Squeaker

"Jimmy, you gotta go. You're our best climber & we need to know how to get from here to the kitchen."

"But, there's three of them - three! I'm gonna need someone to run interference or cause a diversion."

"Sorry, we have to send you alone. We're just getting set up down here & need everyone else focused on finishing the nest."

Jimmy spent all night prepping for his mission. He planned to set out just before dawn. Climbing the furnace would be the easiest part. There was no way to plan for what might happen when he made it above ground.

He'd smelled three of them and listened closely, trying to identify patterns of movement. In the early morning hours they were usually quiet - not near the floor furnace. He'd have to be quick - the fastest he's ever been - to scale the furnace and get above ground before they were on him.

Just after 6:30AM, Ronald wished him good luck and god speed. Jimmy said goodbye to his rat family and darted towards the gas pipe leading into the furnace.

Leaping onto the gas pipe, he sped across the pipe into the furnace, up onto the steep metal plate and sprinted up the side of the old metal box. In seconds he was at the top and popped his head out of the grate in the floor.

All was quiet - they hadn't heard him. If they had, they were slow to respond and he would have time to stay ahead of them. He darted up from the iron grate towards what he thought must be the kitchen, towards aromas of peanuts and food - and in moments realized his critical mistake.

He'd found the birdcage - many yards from the kitchen - and now he heard trouble quickly approaching. Suddenly a black & white was on him and he started running. He ran blindly towards what seemed like refuge with the black & white close on his heels.

Jimmy was cornered when he heard someone coming - maybe this was the diversion he needed! He was trying to find somewhere to hide when a door opened and he was able to run for cover. The black & white quickly followed, but now he had plenty of cover and time to figure a way out of his predicament.

By this time, the other black & white joined the pursuit, but Jimmy found a good place to hide. He could wait it out for a while. He hoped the boys would soon lose interest. The third furry one approached and began circling his hiding spot. With three of them, he knew one would always be watching.

The someone he'd heard moments earlier was the woman - she was now engaged in an animated conversation with the man. They were talking so fast Jimmy couldn't keep track, but he had more important things to focus on.

The black & whites and the other one were still out there... waiting. Jimmy didn't know exactly where he was, so he couldn't plan his escape. He needed time to explore & find a way out. He needed to wait, but now it was fully light out and he was anxious to get back underground. Waiting would be excruciating and he was dehydrating.

Every hour waiting would bring him closer to death and he could wait all day and still be nabbed - he might die regardless. Jimmy decided he'd rather die trying to escape than from dehydration.

He tried to remember the approximate path he took when he started running and very slowly peeked out to see if he could start making his way back to the furnace. He ran, but they were close by and spotted him. He darted under a storage trunk and waited for the next moment to make his move.

He had good cover under the trunk, but the trunk itself was out in the open with clear vantage points from all sides. This was not going to be easy.

Jimmy waited. Hours slipped by until in his gut he could tell dusk was approaching. Over 12 hours since his mission began. He was wildly off course, nowhere near a water source, with hostiles on all sides, and no clear way to safety.

Resigned to his fate, Jimmy relaxed and dozed. He hadn't been asleep for long when he was startled awake - the trunk had been moved and he was now completely exposed. He froze in terror and before he could make a move, a box descended on top of him, trapping him on all sides.

Suddenly the box was moving, dragging him along with it. He protested but the sliding continued. The box stopped and he tried to stand up and get his bearings. He'd been hiding for hours in a space as tall as a pancake - this was his first chance to stand up since 8AM that morning.

Just as he was finding his balance again, the box began sliding again, this time, up onto a platform. Moments later he was moving. The whole thing was moving - the box, the platform - everything. Whatever was happening, while frightening, seemed much better than dying of thirst or being eaten alive by the enemy.

He could hear the woman again - she was talking, he thought to the primary black & white, and she didn't sound happy. The movement continued and moments later he could smell the outdoors - he was outside. Still trapped in a box, but outside.

Jimmy was exhausted. There was no way to know what was going to happen to him. He'd never been trapped in a box before - he could dig or chew his way out of anything, but he couldn't try escaping until the movement stopped. And suddenly, it stopped.

He was no longer moving forward, but the box started to drop. Seconds later the box was lifted and Jimmy was deposited onto the entrance of the sewer drain. Water. He could smell water. He might live through this after all. Unsteady, but on his feet, he climbed up the ramp and into the underground tunnel.