Biding

It feels like we're marking time now... waiting for the end of winter, waiting for warmer days, waiting for the economy to improve, waiting for the invention of no-calorie doughnuts...

I'm waiting to get back home for a long-overdue visit and still waiting for the invention of a personal teleportation device.

In the meantime, we pass the time as we usually do - trying to figure out how many more cats we might be able to fit into the family.

When not working on that algorithm, I notice all sorts of things that irritate or confuse me.

For example, the Crest Pro-Health toothpaste I bought at Costco last month... The daytime toothpaste is in a lighter-colored tube than the nighttime tube, and that makes sense, but the paste is dark blue, whereas the nighttime toothpaste is white.

Wouldn't it make more sense for the daytime product to be in the lighter colored tube and white, and the nighttime product to be in the darker tube and a darker color?

Then there's the exploding soup commercial. No one on that team consulted with women while developing that campaign, or any women that clean their own kitchens.

I think it's an ad for soup crackers or maybe it really is for tiny bombs that make a bowl of soup explode into a gigantic mess. Whatever it is, I don't want it. Every time I see that commercial I wince at the amount of cleaning that product would require, so whatever it is, I'll never ever buy it.

Fascinating, isn't it, what's taking up space in my head these days? No, I know it isn't. It's all I've got at the moment.

The other day on Facebook I saw a friend's status update about meeting someone for coffee. It occurred to me how long it's been since I met anyone for coffee. What a lovely thing that would be. If only I had some friends here.

I'm not whining. It's my own fault for moving 900 miles away. I obviously didn't think this through. The longer I'm here and the more isolated I feel, the more I shut down.

It sucks to feel so far away from my life. This, being here, is not my life. It's a detour on the path back to life, back to reality... It's going to be an ongoing challenge to keep cracking the cocoon.

So, now I have to figure out what to do with my time while I'm here. A few ideas include: becoming fluent in Canadian, learning how to unload the dishwasher telekinetically, creating new dishes with fat back, and teaching Henry how to swear in French.

Fighting Hibernation

Now I get it. There are only few options for dealing with a nuclear-type ("nucular") winter.

One, take up snow sports as if your life depended on it, which it sort-of does, getting you up & out of the house nice & early to slip and skid your car up to a mountain so you can slip and skid down the mountain all day, getting home too tired to care about not seeing the sun for weeks.

Two, pack a big bag and get on a plane and fly anywhere the sun is shining and it doesn't get below 60 degrees. Stay there until the temperature here stabilizes somewhere above 50 degrees and it's not raining every day.

Third, hibernate. Eat your body weight in starch along with four or five large steaks every day for a few months, then go to bed. Stay there.

Ignore all the usual reasons you used to get out of bed (except your bladder). Like, the time. Who cares what time it is? It's WINTER is what time it is, which means it's time to stay in bed until it's spring. Cats hungry? Feed them then go back to bed. They'll join you later and make hibernation that much more cozy. Hungry? Grab a baked potato/muffin/doughnut/pizza/beef stew on your way back from the bathroom and eat that in bed.

We've tried the first option and enjoyed it, but then the rain came back and made the roads nasty with ice. Call me a spoilsport, but I don't enjoy sliding all over the road on the way to the mountain. And when I get there, I want to clearly see the run below me.

I'd love to choose option two, but we're not quite there yet. I have a special type of trust fund - it's the We Trust You To Make Your Own Money fund. So, that makes option two a non-option for now.

We're gradually choosing option three. We're waking up later and later, and even after waking up we linger in bed for quite a while. It's warm. And so dreamy comfortable. We can listen to the radio or watch TV. Hang out with the cats. There's no room service, but so far that hasn't been a deterrent.

The more we sleep, the faster time passes, which means spring will be here in just a few cat naps.

BC Living - My New Show

Just found a show on TV, Vancouver Living - an entertainment news show full of helpful information about enjoying the Vancouver lifestyle.

I didn't watch the show but saw the teaser for an upcoming segment, "Learn How to Get a Good Workout Without Increasing Your Carbon Footprint."

They showed a lady on cross-country rollerskis out in the rain on a wet, soggy path, and that just looked so sad. It made me think of having my own show full of helpful hints about enjoying the British Columbia lifestyle.

• Learn How to Enjoy Being Damp
• Learn How to Embrace Bone-chilling cold
• Learn How to Eat Your Body Weight in Potatoes
• Learn How to Put on Your Winter Weight in Three Days
• Learn How to Wear Four Sets of Clothes at Once
• Learn How to Train Your Cats to Sleep On You
• Learn How to Adopt Enough Cats to Make a Living Cat Blanket
• Learn How to Heat Your Feet Using Microwaveable Socks
• Learn How to Find Ways to Not Leave the House Until Spring
• Learn How to Make Every Meal a Soup Smorgasbord
  
• Learn How to Wear an Electric Blanket - Everywhere
• Learn How to Withstand 300-degree Showers
• Learn How to Turn a Down Blanket Into a Sassy Dress
• Learn How to Properly Chop Furniture for the Fireplace
• Learn How to Hang Mirrors Around the House to Maximize Those 15 Minutes of Sunlight On Days When it Might Be Sunny

I'm sure I'll think of other important segment ideas. If you're a producer at a TV station nearby, give me a call. I know there's an enthusiastic audience for my show.

Huddled 'Round the Furnace

It's just like camping, but better - inside a house that has actual, not zippered doors, a full kitchen and indoor plumbing just down the hall.

This morning I got so chilled, I sat on an ottoman next to the floor furnace and grilled my feet on top of it. They're now perfectly par-cooked and ready to be ordered.

Once my feet get cold, I can only get warm from a 30-minute boiling-hot shower or feet grilling. Somehow my thyroid slid down my neck and has lodged in one of my heels.

It felt so good to have my feet warm, I put on thick socks and propped my Uggs upside down on top of the heater so they could be pre-heated, then I continued to cook my feet inside their socks. Holy crap that felt amazing.

When my feet finally felt cooked through, I put on my pre-heated boots and BLAM - I was all warm again.

Update:
If you read this post before and notice that now something is different - I won't lie. I moved a comma. And I removed the rant that followed in this space. While fun at the time, it wasn't something that should remain for the long term. You know, it's just one of those things - you're really bugged at the time, but it's minuscule in the big scheme of things. And I don't want to upset anyone. I like to vent. Who doesn't?

The Chill is Gone

Finally, a day of gorgeous weather without a chilly breeze. So happy to be outside and not be layered up like Ralphie's little brother. Even happier to turn off the heat.

On another topic... Maybe I should be blue because my husband has fled the country, but I'd forgotten how much I like living alone. Is that wrong?

As Katharine Hepburn said, "Men and women shouldn't live together. They should live near each other, and visit."

I'm liking this situation, at least for now. I'm living on my own, but because I'm married, I'm not expected to be dating, which is perfect, because I've never enjoyed dating and I never liked it when friends tried to set me up with people.

So I have all the benefits of enjoying my own space without any expectations to "partner up." Why isn't this arrangement more common?