Hey, Migraine

I thought I was clear before - I don't want to see you anymore. I know we've been off & on for years, but our situation wasn't healthy for me. I've moved on.

Me and General Tension Headache have been together for a while now and it's going well. He stops by now & then and reminds me to buy more Advil. It's no Love Story, but it's safe.

When you first came by this morning I didn't even realize it was you. I thought you were Sinus Headache, another loser I've asked not to call me anymore.

You guys sometimes look alike - I'm not being racist - you both come from about the same place and it can be hard to tell you apart.

But before too long I knew it was you when you had to go and destroy the left side of my face. Was the baseball bat to the cheekbone really necessary? I get it - there's almost no analgesic you can't defeat - but no one likes a showoff.

And the hot and cold thing - so ass. On top of the bone-crushing pain, you have to mess with my thermostat. Lame. It doesn't add much to your big show. Ooh! - covers on, covers off - big deal.

Go ahead and add nausea to the whole thing, but follow through. Like always, you couldn't stick with it and I was left unfulfilled. The throwing up can be the best part. But again, all that build up and then - poof - nothing - you couldn't keep it up.

The best part, for me, was that I didn't need help getting rid of you. Maybe you got bored with the resting, deep breathing and water drinking.

Of course, you overstayed your welcome by several hours, and then you left like the spineless ass you are, quietly slipping away without a word.

Thanksgiving Download

Where to start? Before the holiday it was work, work, work until the very last minute, late into the night, before packing up for a quick road trip to Palm Desert.

On Thanksgiving Day we checked out The Living Desert Preserve that now has a baby giraffe, born on the premises. I didn't get to see the baby, but seeing adults only a few feet away was breathtaking. Also fun to see was a lazy leopard, zebras, gazelles, hyenas, and meerkats.

Thanksgiving dinner was largely uneventful until David mistook a forkful of horseradish for mashed potatoes. All of a sudden we noticed David coughing into his napkin, but not a usual "I'm coughing up a lung" cough, it was more subtle, but he was hunched over, gripping the table and his face was blazing red. Something was wrong.

We offered the Heimlich but he shook his head, so we waited. The busboy and waitress watched anxiously - both with frightened expressions - and finally David held up a hand showing us a "thumbs up," while still coughing through the last of his own volcanic eruption.

Later that night he said he had a clarity of thought he hadn't had in many years. Maybe a forkful of horseradish is what I need to clear out the migraines in my head.

Another nasty headwrecker broke down the gate yesterday afternoon and I found myself at work without my meds. I thought some nap time in the usability lab would help, but there was no napping to be had and after an hour of laying there in agony, I thought I should try to make my way home.

I think now I had a migraine/stomach flu combo platter. I headed out to Bart with a plastic bag tucked into my pocket, just in case. I didn't feel too bad walking to Bart in the cold air, but once I was standing on a crowded train, things weren't lookin so good.

I thought I could make it to the first stop then get out & get some fresh air before continuing, but the body wasn't going to wait. A few minutes before the next stop I knew there could be no holding it off. I turned around to face the doors I was in front of and silently evacuated the contents of my stomach into a Target bag.

I recommend these bags for on-the-go booting. Good mil strength and the logo all over the outside helps disguise its contents. Somewhat.

And now what to do? I stood there facing the doors holding the bag under my mouth, waiting. Finally the train stopped and the doors - on the opposite side of the train - opened. I quietly said "excuse me" through my barf bag and made my way toward a trash can.

No one seemed to notice and no one said a word, but I suspected a few people may have seen something, but probably couldn't tell just what they were seeing. I wondered if this is how a drunk or a junkie might look stumbling off a train.

With some Purell and a napkin, I was almost all cleaned up, but there was no way I could get back on a train. Each one that came was more crowded than the last, and I was out of barf bags.

I wandered downstairs hoping to find a cab. Thankfully, one drove up just as I walked out. He took me the few miles down the road to my stop where I shuffled to my car and made it home. Good times.

Official Diagnosis

Went to see my doctor today to chat about headaches. Tuesday was day six of Headache Watch 2006.

After a lengthy interview about my headaches, I was officially diagnosed with migraines. This wasn't news, but nice to be taken seriously and to have a doctor give thoughtful consideration about how to manage the situation.

Once we covered the headaches, I told her the story of my right kidney ache. A year or two ago - I forget now - there were a couple of weeks when my lower right back ached. Mildly at first, and then a few days later, to a frightening degree.

The only thing that seemed likely was a wee kidney stone might be knockin about. The night it got really bad, I popped half a vicodin and waited it out. It had dissipated by the following morning and life went on. No idea if anything ever passed - the pain just gradually disappeared.

But it's back this week - though very mild. Rather than hope for the best, I told her all about it to see what she thought might be going on. She was equally thoughtful in her approach to my kidneys, asking a lot of questions and explaining symptoms, etc.

We agreed that a ct scan at this time didn't seem necessary, but that I should monitor the ache and if it worsened, to give her a call and we'd start some tests.

I thought we were all finished and I'd soon be on my way back to work when she said, "To be sure, I want to rule out any ovarian cysts or possibly the appendix." I was thinking, "cool, that seems reasonable," and then she said, "So I'm going to do a pelvic. Go ahead & take off your pants and underwear & lie back on the table."

Hello! What? I was about to leave! Now you want me to take off my pants? Won't this cost extra? I don't even know you! The pain is in my BACK - ABOVE my pelvis! Don't you know where my kidneys are?

I'm not averse to the annual pelvic exam - I'm okay with taking care of myself - though no woman I know, including myself, enjoys lying back on a table with your feet in [cold] stirrups with your hoohah on full display. It's something we endure because we have to, not because we want to.

But OK - I was there to find out what's going on - I had to do my part. As I could have told her, there was no funny business in the reproductive area; the appendix neither. Nice to have that ruled out, but it would have been nicer to know in advance that it would be a hoohah check.

Go for the headache meds, stay for the pelvic. They throw that in for free!

Clusterf#ck

My noggin is awash (possibly) in cluster headaches. It's hard to tell for sure.

As the name suggests, they come in clusters - you go through a period of having headaches and then there's a "remission" period. The headaches themselves are similar to migraines in that the pain is localized on one side of the head, but that might be the only thing they have in common.

The clusters tend to be seasonal, and the headaches tend to occur at the same time every day. Both situations have been true for me. The pain is always localized on one side of the head throughout a given cluster, and then sometimes it switches to the other side when the next cluster sets in.

They tend to come in the springtime and last til early summer, sometimes longer. There are often breaks between the clusters - a few days or a week or so. During a headache marathon, it's hard to remember the days you don't have one - it feels like one very long, excruciating day that will never end.

No amount of pain reliever, decongestant, or antihistamine can eliminate the pain. Lying down, sleeping, keeping still - it's very difficult to do. Nothing helps, and the pain is so deep down in your head, nothing can reach it.

It starts to seem like it could help to get my thumb inside my eye socket behind my eyeball, release some pressure in there, or to grab my hair and keep pulling, like I'm stretching my skull.

Even when I use valium or magical codeine fizzies, it helps take the edge off, but I can still feel it lurking, just below the surface, waiting for the drugs to wear off so it can grind me into the floor.

Got The Yuck

Woke up yesterday with a headache that soon became a massive headwrecker with a side of nausea. Cameron thought I was getting The Ick - the bug he had a week ago - but it was only The Yuck.

I went to a friend's house night before last, thinking we'd be going out for dinner. Turned out the plan was to help her make dinner. It was fun and tasty, but now I think those meatballs weren't cooked as thoroughly as they should have been. I remember one of them looked a tad pink in the center and at the time I thought, I wonder if that should be pink?

Best part though, after dinner we played Guitar Hero and it was amazingly fun. I don't know how they make it *feel* good to hit the right notes, but they've done it. I'm hooked. Can't wait to start rockin out at home.

I'm a Migraineur!

After a shitty, headache-filled week, I've now learned that I'm a "migraineur." A connoisseur of head-splitting pain... how lovely!

Who wants to trade with me?