Up in the Ass

If you haven't seen the movie and plan to, stop reading - spoiler alert.

First, I loved the movie. Who doesn't love watching Clooney being Clooney? And Jason Bateman is always great - more Bateman please. I liked how they made flying seem like fun, even though it's really a giant pain in the ass.

I really loved Vera Farmiga's character, Alex. She's smart, sexy, funny, adventurous, uninhibited, confident, and on top of all that, gorgeous.

*** spoiler alert ***

Then we find out she's a lying whore. Of course. She would have to be. No woman could be all that and not also be tragically flawed. Thanks, Hollywood. Fucked me in the ass again.

I could feel it coming and hoped so much that I was wrong. I knew there wouldn't be a fairy tale ending for her and Ryan, but did we have to make the interesting female lead a cheating ho-bag?

David pointed out that it's almost always the man that turns out to be the philandering douchebag and he's right. I suppose it's fair to make the female lead the asshole, it's just disappointing.

The "good" girl is shrill, uptight, arrogant, asexual, ignorant and someone I would love to slap in the face. It's a bummer that the "cool" woman in the movie turns out to be a shit bag and the "good" girl is an irritating bitch.

I don't know how else it could have been written to make her ultimately unavailable to Ryan, the little boy lost, and to be fair, he never asked her about her situation. He either assumed she was single or wasn't interested in really knowing her - but that seems hollow when it comes time to go to his sister's wedding.

If you're just banging a guy between flights and then one day he asks you to go with him to his sister's wedding, that seems like the right time to say something like, "I don't want to be a downer, but you should know I'm married and I have fifteen kids."

At that moment, she, being the smart woman she is, should have realized they were not on the same page. And if she's not wearing a ring or slipping away to take phone calls in private, why would he ever imagine she could be married? She seems just like him but as she said, "with a vagina." He's got a fair position in assuming she was unattached. Naive maybe, but fair.

So not only do we get to see an interesting female character turn out to be an asshole, we get to see marriage treated like it usually is in the movies - the drudgery of real life, the thing that needs to be escaped. How original.

It was a good movie, but I don't think it was a "great" movie or the "best" movie. Up was far better, as was The Hurt Locker and Fantastic Mr. Fox. I'd even put The Hangover above it, just for Mike Tyson alone.

The best thing about it was the powerful but dark reality of getting canned and having to start all over, even if it's almost time to start planning to retire, and asking yourself "what am I doing with my life?" So, it's got that going for it, which is nice.

Canadian Movies

It must be because I'm a foreigner. I don't get Canadian-made movies. Maybe they're hysterical and smart to the locals and I just need to spend a few more years here and then I'll understand.

HBO Canada ran a movie the other day with Leelee Sobieski and Tricia Helfer. I'll watch Tricia Helfer read the phone book, so I was happy to tune in. It was Walk All Over Me - have you seen it? Let me save you some time - don't.

Tricia was fantastic, as expected, even in the gratuitous (PG-rated) dominatrix scenes and Leelee was tolerable. I liked that it was set (and filmed) in the Vancouver area - thought I might recognize something.

The plot was predicable, which is fine, it's not high-concept cinema. What was puzzling is how in every scene where Leelee has to drive a car, they had her crashing into other cars (or structures) - every time.

I can understand the first couple of times - she's escaping a dangerous predicament and would be understandably flustered. But in every scene, even when not rattled?

Is showing us she's an incompetent driver every time really a meaningful part of the story? Or is that an inside joke for Canadians because they know they're terrible drivers?

I had to stick with it to see if it was going to improve or at the very least, to see how it turned out. It never improved and the ending was even lamer than expected. Thanks, Canada.

Today I found another HBO Canada movie starring Scott Speedman and some "kids" I've never heard of. I like Speedman - he can be entertaining - so I gave it a look-see.

Wow. Lordy hell - it was horrible. Basically a drug-caper-comedy - drug-fueled hijinx ensue that result in the kids getting mixed up with satan-worshippers. That's a funny premise, eh?

If that doesn't sound funny, fear not - there's a medieval-weapons-toting midget who's a security guard at the mall. That's HILARIOUS, no? Stop! You're killing me!

Like the other movie, it was predictable, very lame, and nothing was funny. But one thing I liked was that it seemed like the characters were realizing they should kick the drugs and make something of their lives - growth - that's always nice to see.

Toward the end of the movie, it looked like they'd all learned some hard, if totally unrealistic lessons and were going to get off the H or the meth or whatever and grow up.

Oops! What? Get off drugs? You shut your mouth! The end of the movie shows the main characters smoking weed with a weed-loving family and having a terrific time. There's your lesson, kids. Shoot horse, snort crank, smoke weed (laced with crank) and life's a breeze.

I get it - I'm not the core demographic. I guess I have to accept that I'm a fogey - a foreign fogey - and none of this is supposed to appeal to me, eh?

No Clock for Old Women

Last night we watched the second-to-last Battlestar CanaGalactica/Galactacouver, zooming right through it on DVR by skipping all the commercials.

When it was over, David saw that No Country For Old Men was about to start on a movie channel. Without taking a break, we went from cold & bleak outer space to hot & dusty west Texas. I hadn't seen the movie and was sucked right in. I don't remember the last time I was so captivated by a movie.

When it ended, I glanced at the clock on the cable box. It read 12:10. You might be thinking, So??? Well, let me tell you. Last I remembered, it was about 8 o'clock and we'd just finished eating. I thought it might be about 9:30, maybe 10, but after midnight!? How did that happen?

I was robbed of two whole hours of my night! By the Cohen brothers! By a guy with a spectacular salad bowl Prince Valiant haircut and a shotgun with a silencer! Have you seen that gun!? It's fugging amazing!

Maybe not "robbed"... Not like the movies Tank Girl and Domino - outright time muggers that make you want to bludgeon their makers for having ever wasted all that film, or flog yourself for having wasted precious time watching such garbage.

It was jarring, is all, to go from feeling like it was still kinda early to BLAM - late. My internal clock was totally off and I was pissed. I need that clock to be right, since I hardly ever wear a watch anymore.

Still thinking about that movie today. "You can't stop what's comin'." "Believing it's all about you is just vanity." And now I want to talk just like Carla Jean and wear my cowboy boots everywhere. Evrawayer.

I Hate Flashbacks Pie

It was between Waitress and Michael Clayton and I chose Waitress thinking that would be a sweet, upbeat Friday night movie. The pies looked sweet. The flashbacks, not so much.

I didn't realize the husband character was so terrible. That part wasn't easy to watch.

My former life came up at dinner the other night with people who knew me then. No one seemed to have any idea what was behind his public face that was always smiling and happy. That makes it worse, to hide it like that.

At least the character in the movie was horrible all the time, out in the open, where everyone could see it. He wasn't conniving and manipulative so all his friends would think what a great guy he was while at home he's throwing shit at his wife while telling her how worthless she is.

But it all worked out in the end. That worthless wife left him when he least expected it (happy valentine's day!), left him flailing in a pool of debt, then repo'ed the car right out from under his nose. Now *that* was sweet!

Cable TV Crack

Last night I got sucked into the incredible cinematic achievement known as Purple Rain - a movie I saw many times when it came out because I was certain Prince and I would be very happy together, if he just knew where to find me.

The stunning visuals of industrial Minneapolis, dark, smoky clubs and basement apartments support a brilliant screenplay that includes poignant, insightful lines such as, "I'm so tired of this," and "You never let me have any fun."

There's no statute of limitations on asking for your money back from the Purple Artist, is there? I'm out, like, $30 - maybe more. So is my high school best friend and millions of other victims.

Actually, I'd be happy with a partial reimbursement that covers all the scenes including Prince or Appolonia. Everything with Morris and Jerome is still really entertaining. Where is Jerome these days?

After the movie VH1 showed one of my all-time favorites - Pop Up Videos, of Prince. Bubbles popping onto the screen talked about doves and pigeons being the same bird, biologically, and that they don't cry, they "coo," then in a close up frame of Prince singing, they popped up a picture of Joyce Dewitt - wearing the same hairstyle.

Earlier in the week I got sucked into Sid & Nancy for the eleventy hundredth time. There are times when I can't watch it - there's only so much junkie sadness one can take - but I still love it. You are sellin' healthy anarchy, but as long as you're an addict, you be full of shit!

Go See Superbad

It's so good. So much better than I'd expected. There's a particular incident - soon after one of the leads dances with a woman - it's... it's so gross, but you'd never expect it and it's hilarious. Don't think anyone's done it before in the history of film.

I loved how they showed the scary transition from the safe world of hanging out with your best friend to going off to college and trying to score a girlfriend.

Can't wait to see it again when it comes on cable - there was so much laughing in the theater, we missed bits of dialog throughout the movie.

"I Remember Everything"

The new Bourne trailer looks good. The first two books were entertaining, though really dated. I liked the movies better. Never got around to reading the third book. I think I'll just enjoy the movie.

Puttering Around the House

Wonderfully mellow weekend. No rodent activity and all seems stable for the moment. Watched movies, caught up on sleep, shot photos, read the paper, did crosswords, read magazines, cooked, enjoyed breakfast treats and coffee at Peet's, played with Henry and the cats, and stocked up on stuff from Trader Joe's.

We watched Layer Cake on PPV and it was fantastic, until the very end. I guess on one hand they wanted us to know that crime never pays, or no one ever gets out alive, but on the other hand, it's a crappy way to end a movie after your audience becomes invested in a character. Feels kinda cheap, like the director just wanted to stick it to us - gotcha!