Canadian Movies

It must be because I'm a foreigner. I don't get Canadian-made movies. Maybe they're hysterical and smart to the locals and I just need to spend a few more years here and then I'll understand.

HBO Canada ran a movie the other day with Leelee Sobieski and Tricia Helfer. I'll watch Tricia Helfer read the phone book, so I was happy to tune in. It was Walk All Over Me - have you seen it? Let me save you some time - don't.

Tricia was fantastic, as expected, even in the gratuitous (PG-rated) dominatrix scenes and Leelee was tolerable. I liked that it was set (and filmed) in the Vancouver area - thought I might recognize something.

The plot was predicable, which is fine, it's not high-concept cinema. What was puzzling is how in every scene where Leelee has to drive a car, they had her crashing into other cars (or structures) - every time.

I can understand the first couple of times - she's escaping a dangerous predicament and would be understandably flustered. But in every scene, even when not rattled?

Is showing us she's an incompetent driver every time really a meaningful part of the story? Or is that an inside joke for Canadians because they know they're terrible drivers?

I had to stick with it to see if it was going to improve or at the very least, to see how it turned out. It never improved and the ending was even lamer than expected. Thanks, Canada.

Today I found another HBO Canada movie starring Scott Speedman and some "kids" I've never heard of. I like Speedman - he can be entertaining - so I gave it a look-see.

Wow. Lordy hell - it was horrible. Basically a drug-caper-comedy - drug-fueled hijinx ensue that result in the kids getting mixed up with satan-worshippers. That's a funny premise, eh?

If that doesn't sound funny, fear not - there's a medieval-weapons-toting midget who's a security guard at the mall. That's HILARIOUS, no? Stop! You're killing me!

Like the other movie, it was predictable, very lame, and nothing was funny. But one thing I liked was that it seemed like the characters were realizing they should kick the drugs and make something of their lives - growth - that's always nice to see.

Toward the end of the movie, it looked like they'd all learned some hard, if totally unrealistic lessons and were going to get off the H or the meth or whatever and grow up.

Oops! What? Get off drugs? You shut your mouth! The end of the movie shows the main characters smoking weed with a weed-loving family and having a terrific time. There's your lesson, kids. Shoot horse, snort crank, smoke weed (laced with crank) and life's a breeze.

I get it - I'm not the core demographic. I guess I have to accept that I'm a fogey - a foreign fogey - and none of this is supposed to appeal to me, eh?