Dear Muslim Extremists

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We hope you enjoyed these vaginas.
Love,
500 Vaginas

Sorry God

Hi God, you imaginary prankster, you. Just wanted to say sorry to you and your witnesses of Jehova (that's Jumpin Jehosaphat's cousin, right?).

I'm sure your witnesses are fine fellows, but I had to take care of important business in the bathroom. As my Nana used to say, "I had to see a man about a dog."

Imagine my surprise when on my way to the bathroom the doorbell rang not once, but TWICE. TWICE means someone very important is at the door, like the UPS man or a bedraggled Canada Postman with a package requiring signature - something I really want and can't wait to open.

Imagine my disappointment when I opened the door to your spokespeople who wanted to hand me cheerful-looking pamphlets sporting bright sunshiney flowers. You're going to have to do better than bright sunshiney flowers.

I'm looking for boxes of cookies, coffee, doughnuts, kittens, shoes, or even Avon products. Flowers aren't gonna cut it.

Hand me a box of kittens or doughnuts and I'll listen to your folks prattle on about anything as long as that box stays full. If a kitten or doughnut jumps out, you'd better have another one to take its place.

With a curt but cheerful "No thank you! Good day!" I shut and locked the door and made tracks to the loo. When I came out, a forlorn El Gato Retardo was sitting by the front door. I'd just shooed away his people.

Just like JWs, Ninja believes Armageddon is near - every morning and afternoon just before feeding time. He also will not celebrate his birthday. Because he is a big dumb cat and does not know his birthday.

Anyway, sorry for shutting down your peeps and carrying on with my day. Got lots to do - building a giant cross in the back yard, snorting coke, aborting fetuses and making all the family decisions. As you can see, I don't have time for chatting on the porch. Give my love to Jesus.

"Did You Pray?"

Loved watching Captain Chesley Sullenberger on 60 Minutes last night. What an amazing guy.

Katie Couric still bugs me, maybe because CBS kept jamming her down our throats when she took over the evening news, or maybe it's her annoying use of "you all." I'm sure it's both.

Now, I'm no fan of religion - you could say I'm anti-religion. But if someone is religious, isn't that a personal issue? What people believe and the beliefs they practice seem like personal matters, unless of course your neighbors like to slaughter goats in their front yard every third Tuesday of the month.

It seems inappropriate to ever ask anyone if they pray, if they believe in god - anything on that subject. If someone wants to offer up that information, fine - as long as it's not at my front door or anywhere near me or my personal space - but is it necessary (or appropriate) to ever ask that in a television interview?

But ask she did, and Sully said, ""I would imagine somebody in back was taking care of that for me while I was flying the airplane." "My focus at that point was so intensely on the landing," he said. "I thought of nothing else.""

Thank you - thank you for being so focused on your job, because it clearly made all the difference. Pray? WTF would praying have done to accomplish that incredible feat? Has god had over 30 years' experience flying commercial aircraft?

He said he was sure he could do it. He obviously believed it and followed through.

I'm not anti-god or anti-spirituality - to each his own - again, unless the goat slaughter is really getting out of hand, and then you're going to have to leave the neighborhood. FWIW, I believe there are forces or energy at work beyond our understanding - I call it The Universe.

The Universe, I believe, is Mother Nature, it is what it is, it's energy, it's the search for balance, it's totally unbiased and not a human or celestial force or some entity that will "save" me if I just believe. I call The Universe a tricky bitch, because that's exactly how it/she seems sometimes.

When She plays a trick on you, the key is first believing in yourself, that no matter what trouble that bitch doles out, you'll come out on top. She won't help you, some imaginary god won't help you - you have to do it on your own and believe you can do it. Asking for help might help you help yourself, but you still have to believe you can do it.

All this to say, I'm glad Sully wasn't sitting in that cockpit praying. I'm glad he said that he wasn't, that he was focused on the job in front of him and nothing else. I'm sure everyone on board that plane, whatever their individual faiths might be, are also glad that he never gave god a single thought throughout all that madness.

I'm sure some will say that he was helped by passengers praying like hell, but I don't buy it. He believed he could do it, he did it, and that's why he's so awesome.