Sorry God

Hi God, you imaginary prankster, you. Just wanted to say sorry to you and your witnesses of Jehova (that's Jumpin Jehosaphat's cousin, right?).

I'm sure your witnesses are fine fellows, but I had to take care of important business in the bathroom. As my Nana used to say, "I had to see a man about a dog."

Imagine my surprise when on my way to the bathroom the doorbell rang not once, but TWICE. TWICE means someone very important is at the door, like the UPS man or a bedraggled Canada Postman with a package requiring signature - something I really want and can't wait to open.

Imagine my disappointment when I opened the door to your spokespeople who wanted to hand me cheerful-looking pamphlets sporting bright sunshiney flowers. You're going to have to do better than bright sunshiney flowers.

I'm looking for boxes of cookies, coffee, doughnuts, kittens, shoes, or even Avon products. Flowers aren't gonna cut it.

Hand me a box of kittens or doughnuts and I'll listen to your folks prattle on about anything as long as that box stays full. If a kitten or doughnut jumps out, you'd better have another one to take its place.

With a curt but cheerful "No thank you! Good day!" I shut and locked the door and made tracks to the loo. When I came out, a forlorn El Gato Retardo was sitting by the front door. I'd just shooed away his people.

Just like JWs, Ninja believes Armageddon is near - every morning and afternoon just before feeding time. He also will not celebrate his birthday. Because he is a big dumb cat and does not know his birthday.

Anyway, sorry for shutting down your peeps and carrying on with my day. Got lots to do - building a giant cross in the back yard, snorting coke, aborting fetuses and making all the family decisions. As you can see, I don't have time for chatting on the porch. Give my love to Jesus.

El Retardo Strikes Again

He did it again – thankfully that doesn’t include biting me again.

The boy cats play/fight fairly frequently, sometimes very early in the morning, but something sounded very different this morning.

At 4:30 am I jumped out of bed knowing something was wrong – Gato Tardo and Neo had raced into the bedroom fighting, but I saw Neo still in the doorway while Ninja was somewhere else, hissing and meowling like he was dying. I thought a raccoon or another cat somehow found a way into the house.

On the other side of the bed I found him. He'd managed to get a claw on his back foot caught in his wooly “security blanket” and he panicked. He was hissing and fighting the blanket – and fighting with us as we tried to get it free.

While he was struggling Neo pounced on him - attacked him for real – almost like he wanted to put down the rebellion or take out a weak herd member. We got Neo out of the way and I scruffed Ninja as hard as I could but he still got free and almost chomped me.

He tore out of the bedroom and all through the house, finally stopping in the kitchen where he rolled over onto his back, as if to plead for help. I grabbed the kitchen shears and managed to cut the blanket near his foot and he ran off.

I followed him up to the loft where I talked to him to try to calm him down. As soon as he relaxed, the little shred of blanket that was left on his foot came right off.

It took over an hour to calm ME down and get back to sleep. We would like to trade him in for some Tupperware.