Party Lines

This morning my mom forwarded a blast email to me and her friends from the Carly campaign, which I always enjoy because it gives me an opportunity to respond and provide additional perspective the politician doesn't include.

Carly is anti-choice, so right there I can't vote for her, but more than that, she is not at all as qualified or as successful as she'd like everyone to believe. (And let's not forget, McCain fired her dumb ass for repeatedly fugging up on his campaign.)

I read her book, which was mediocre at best, and in it you learn that the idea to buy compaq wasn't hers. It was the idea of two board members and most thought it was a bad idea (and it was a struggle to convince everyone it was a good move). She latched onto it, looking for a major event that would make her look like a huge wheeler-dealer.

She effectively managed the merger, but didn't live up to her promises to turn HP around in three years' time, which ultimately is why she was sacked, not because she has a vagina.

I'd rather have the option of voting for Tom Campbell, but because we allow politicians to buy their way into elections (like NutMeg Twitman), he's no longer an option because he couldn't compete with Carly's self-financed war chest (she left HP with over $40 million).

Like NutMeg, she's bored, has lots of cash to burn and loves a high-profile gig. She couldn't care less about California or its citizens.

Additional fun facts about Carly:

Fiorina Admitted Keeping HP Profits Overseas Even Though It Hurt U.S. Economy. Carly Fiorina said, "We left billions of dollars in cash overseas because of the differences in tax rates..." [Fiorina Remarks, Milwaukee, WI]

Hewlett-Packard Held $14 Billion In Profit Overseas To Avoid Paying Taxes. [Washington Post, 1/2/04] [also, in the midst of laying off tens of thousands of workers, she kept all the corporate jets – way to cut spending, Carly]

According to Fortune magazine:

[During Fiorina's tenure] HP lost its position as the #1 PC maker to Dell, saw their stock price cut in half, and laid off 18,000 workers. These are the numbers that are clear. Fiorina’s claim that she created jobs is simply a lie. In fact, Portfolio magazine rated Fiorina the “19th Worst CEO of All Time” saying:

A consummate self-promoter, Fiorina was busy pontificating on the lecture circuit and posing for magazine covers while her company floundered. She paid herself handsome bonuses and perks while laying off thousands of employees to cut costs. The merger Fiorina orchestrated with Compaq in 2002 was widely seen as a failure. She was ousted in 2005 [with a $21 million dollar severance, plus another $21 million or so in stock and her pension, which was not included in the severance package]. HP stock lost half its value during Fiorina’s tenure.

Even a fellow conservative is no fan of Carly:

Arianna Packard, granddaughter of one of HP's founders, has attacked Fiorina, writing on the conservative Web site redstate.com "I know a little bit about Carly Fiorina, having watched her almost destroy the company my grandfather founded." Packard favors Chuck Devore, the state assemblyman who is trailing both Fiorina and former U.S. Rep. Tom Campbell in most polls of the race.

For the record, I don't think any politician is trustworthy or has anyone's interest at heart other than his or her own, and I sure as shit can't vote for anyone who is anti-choice/anti-equality. That anyone could, simply because she belongs to the same party one supports, should buy a plane ticket to Jonestown and get some of that tasty kool-aid that'll save your soul.

But I digress...

I didn't attack anyone on the distribution list, I just provided additional information as outlined above. Sadly, one of my mother's friends, who instead of going through menopause entered a perpetual state of PMS, responded directly to me to let me know she didn't appreciate my comments.

Was it too much trouble to just delete my message? Couldn't muster up a logical response and join the discussion? Apparently not. Which I find sad. She could have some valuable perspective to add to the debate, but instead, she did the lazy thing and reacted emotionally.

She chose to attack me personally for views that don't agree with hers. Which is why our country never moves forward, but just steadily toward the great abyss.

I love that my father, one of the staunchest conservatives I know and a wonderful man of logic, will engage in a productive debate on any topic. I learn a lot from him - I can only hope he learns something from me now & then - but we move forward better informed. We may not always share the same philosophies, but I would *much* rather hear his side of things than not. To ignore him simply because I don't agree with his views puts me at a loss.

This 'friend' of my mother's should pull her head out of her ass and be part of the solution, but that would take effort. Apparently she's got hers and the rest of us can take a flying leap. Oh, and she'll never read this post, as that too would take effort, so, lady, you can suck it.

Go ahead and vote with your Democraps and Republicants regardless of their policies, lack of integrity and backbone and watch how nothing ever changes. Keep subscribing to the same old bullshit non-thinking emotional tactics and then complain about each other gumming up the works.

The sheep may outnumber the wolves, but that can't last forever.

Commercial Break

OK so it's been more of a summer hiatus than a word from our sponsor. I've been bizzy. I've been home for about a month and just found the stove a few days ago.

Still unpacking while painting/updating a few more rooms in the house. It's like moving all over again, every other day. Moved everything into the house, moved shit from room to room, moved it to other rooms, then back into the first room... We'll do this a few more times before we're all done.

We'd left a lot of stuff behind when we moved - partly because we could, partly because family stayed here now & then and needed stuff. That's all dandy, except there was no time to remove the leftovers before we got back.

Also waiting for us when we returned were a couple of assey neighbors. We lost one while we were gone (Crazy Bob finally moved) - we have two more to outlast.

One is the shitty troll on the corner who wants us to cut down the oak tree so leaves won't fall in her driveway, while they hang piñatas in it for the grand kids... The other is the shitty curmudgeon (Plumber Bob) who actively ignores us even when directly across the street with full eye contact.

He's such a treat. He never speaks to us and won't respond to a friendly wave. However, he has no trouble using our recycling bins for his trash.

Last night my next door neighbor came over to ask if she could use the remaining space in our recycling bin, then realized it was full of styrofoam sheeting and plastic tarps. I told her that was odd - we had none of that in the move packing... Turns out her bin was full of it too. It was some sort of spa/hot tub packaging. I told her I'd wished we'd had a new spa...

Whoever dumped it had just done it as we'd both been in & out of the house all afternoon & evening. Not sure what to do about it, I said we could split it up among the trash cans along the street. I went to ask the other neighbors about using their cans.

Shitty Curmudgeon wouldn't answer the door, but I saw him walk by the upstairs window. The other neighbors readily agreed to help dispose of the trash. While talking to another neighbor, he said "Well Bob (Shitty Curmudgeon) just had a spa delivered on Sunday." Hmm... Really.

So, SC gets a new spa and as soon as it gets dark he sneaks across the street to dump his trash in our bins. What a prick! Seems someone's going to have to christen that new spa with a special treat. I'm pretty sure their gate isn't locked...

Trolls Secretly Love Trees

As I've mentioned before on The Nootsmaak, we have a troll that lives next door to us and she's only happy when she's bitching at me about our beautiful oak tree.

If she could, she'd chop it down with a serrated butter knife, but she strikes me as terribly lazy, so maybe that's why she sticks to verbal attacks that don't take much physical energy.

I ignore her now and rarely speak to her, but every time I see her I know she loathes me and our tree, which is why she's going to end up in a heavily forested region of hell.

This afternoon while working in the front room I heard a guy next door speaking in a loud, enthusiastic voice and I thought Who the hell is this jackass and what is he going on about in the front yard?

I looked out the window and saw a guy with two big cameras around his neck taking pictures of a guy in a tux. The tuxed-up dude was casually leaning against our tree just like a JCPenney's model.

I thought that was funny - not just the JCPenney pose, but that the folks next door were using our lovely tree for a photo back drop.

After that shot, the photographer grabbed another suit and maneuvered him in front of our house for a red-shingled backdrop. It was too much to resist.

I skipped out onto the front porch and in my very best Cheerful Happy Neighbor voice said, "Wow, this looks like a very important day!" [translation: If you keep shooting your wedding photos in front of my house, I'll need your billing address for invoicing.]

The photographer looked a little startled and replied, "Uh, yes! Someone's getting married today!" I told him I thought that was FANTASTIC NEWS and CONGRATULATIONS!

To that he said he was using our tree as a backdrop. I told him I thought that was WONDERFUL! and my grandmother would be SO PLEASED!

He went on to say he had a tree just like it at his house and how he hires a guy to clear out its deadwood. Riveting, no?

I cheerfully responded that we just had that big, gorgeous tree pruned and ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?! He said it was and that it was a wonderful complement to the house. I thanked him heartily and repeated my congratulations and well wishes for the happy couple. I was so incredibly sweet, everyone had an instant cavity.

As I talked to the photographer, I noticed the groomsmen, who had been scattered about the driveway/outer area of the neighbor's lot had all drifted back to the patio, behind the fence. The photographer followed and they didn't come out from behind that fence again until it was time to go.

Won't it be wonderful when they see the pictures of the happiest day of their lives, our tree will be right there with them every time.

What a Difference a Bob Makes

After seven years of never-ending Bobness, he's finally gone and the entire block has come out of hiding.

Yesterday I spoke to a neighbor across the street I've never said a word to before because she's always been securely contained inside her car or rushing into her house - much like everyone else on our block, myself included.

We started talking about landscaping and within seconds remarked how much nicer the neighborhood is without Bob. She, like me, stopped spending any time in the yard because that creepy freak was always all up in everyone's business.

One down and one to go. We still have the Shitty Bitch on the corner who tried telling our arborist to cleave the oak tree in half so there wouldn't be any branches on her side of the property.

When he told her he couldn't do that or else the tree would fall onto our house, she said she didn't care about that. What a sorry sack of shit. Her broken hip/stroke/heart attack can't come soon enough.

And here's the kicker - when we had the garage sale a few weeks ago, she waddled over to chat with some of the neighbors. When she heard we were moving, she enthusiastically asked if we'd be renting out the house. I told her most likely, yes, and then she asked if we had anyone lined up to rent it. When I said no, she said her son would love to rent it.

Her son, with two of the brattiest kids I've ever seen. Those kids would destroy the house and that shitty bitch would be over here every day looking for something she could steal.

When my grandmother died, I mentioned it to her in passing one day and the first thing out of her shitty bitchy mouth was that my grandmother had told her she could have an antique tea cart. Klassy, eh? But yet, she was allowed to breed.

At any rate, the moving process continues. Selling more stuff (what did we do before Craigslist?), donating a ton of other stuff - soon there won't be much to pack other than a large bag of cats.

Peeved

Last night I was excited about having all day Saturday to focus on the kajillion things left to do for the move when I got a phone call.

Someone needs an urgent photo shoot - a test shoot to help sell a new contract. Greaaaaaaaaat. I called the agent and right from the start it was clear that she has a ginormous bug up her ass (in the shape of her own head). Not only is my Saturday going to be ruined, but now it's going to be ruined by a total asshole - even better.

We finally agreed on a time and while I was trying to get her to tell me the address, she asked me where I'm located. First, what the hell does that matter - is she planning on coming to my house to make me breakfast?

I tell her I'm in Alameda and she says, "Oh that's so far away!" The job is in Tiburon. I told her that's only about 30 minutes from me. "Oh no, that's at least 45 minutes." Again, who gives a shit? Is this really important?

Trying to lighten the mood, I told her it doesn't take that long if I'm driving. Then she says without any trace of humor whatsoever, "What are you driving, a helicopter?"

Yes, as a matter of fact, I have my own chopper and heliport here in my back yard. The neighbors hate me, but I think it's important to have options.

This agent is supposedly one of the wealthiest in the country, selling homes to celebrities and billionaires, and unfortunately, she's a humorless troll. She started asking me about equipment and how much time I could spend photographing this house, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I suspect I'll get there and she'll immediately start telling me what to do and how to do it. And just like the other day when I couldn't hold my tongue, I'm not sure today will be any different. I couldn't care less about this house, its views, how much it's listing for or what she wants me to photograph. She can have a big giant poster print of my colon.

Had she been at least polite or in any way flexible about timing or not grilled me on where I live and how long it takes me to drive, she might have been in for great service, but right now, it's all I can do to not call and cancel.

But just like Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, because if I don't, she'll just keep calling me, and then I'll end up killing her with my tripod.

If she turns out to be just as shitty as she was on the phone, I'll quietly gather up my stuff and leave without saying a word, because all I care about is getting this move behind me and starting the next chapter far away from this bullshit.

Update:
She arrived over a half an hour late, which is funny considering how concerned she was about me being able to get there by 11am, and she lives five minutes away. Amazingly enough, she camped out in a small corner of the house and made numerous phone calls, allowing me to work without distraction.

Many times she mentioned that she has two chateaus in France. Two. Chateaus (or chateaux, if you want to be really frenchy about it). In France. She asked me if I could scale a 6-ft. tall property fence to get a better shot of the front of the house, to which I said I would not, but I would gladly ask the neighbors up the hill if I could use their deck. They weren't home, but I tried.

While trying to weakly explain a particular shot she wanted of the back of the house, I thought about pushing her down the stairs right into the pool, but I didn't want to spare the extra time. At ten after 1pm, I said I really had to get going, to which she quickly replied, "Oh I have to go, too, I have clients waiting for me..." She was probably very late, but who cares about time when you have two chateaus in France.