I Remember...

...I'm radioactive. - Steve Martin

We're in the thick of hairball season here in PoCo. Almost every day we find a large, slick, fuzzy casting in the middle of the floor/rug/carpet/hallway. The collection is impressive. They really soak up the varnish nicely.

What I really need is a house with all-tile floors and drains every few feet or so and a fire hose. I suppose that would mean having all plastic furniture. The static electricity in the winters would be brutal. Maybe rubber instead. Or silicone. Stain-free, odor-free, fire hoseable furniture. I like it.

Ooh, but the electronics... OK, all-tile floors with drains and a fire hose, all silicone furniture and electronics housed in waterproof, deep-sea-worthy cabinets. The walls we could paint with marine paint over Tyvek-coated wall board.

Here's a random solicitor for you... the other day I hear a gentle tap at the door, a friendly, sounds-like-your-neighbor-just-popping-by-for-a-quick-chat sort of quiet knock, so I go to the door & open it up only to see a somewhat frazzled-looking guy I've never seen around here before.

He's standing back from the door a few feet, which is good I think, because I don't know who the hell he is or what he wants, and he starts telling me, in a shaky, quiet voice, how he's run out of gas and his bank card isn't working, and might I have any bottles I could donate?

This is when I couldn't be happier about having lived in downtown Oakland and the TenderNob, where I wore a constant, stony expression of barely-restrained homicidal rage and almost-suicidal indifference. This is the face I wear every time I open that door.

Before he'd finished his ridiculous question I blurted out No and shut the door.

Any *bottles* I could donate? How are you going to get all these bottles you're asking for to the recycling center to get those shiny nickels to pay for a litre of gas when you've RUN OUT of gas?

Did he go to every house on the block with this idiotic story? Do most people in these parts say Oh sure and leave the door open while they go about collecting bottles and cans for the drifter at the door? Does he think I don't watch TV and know just about every trick in the book to gain entry into someone's house?

Wellllll mister, I do! I DO watch WAY too much TV and I don't care if you're bleeding out your eyes and have asked me for a tissue. Piss off! Don't make me get my bat! I'll give you something to cry about! Now get off my property! Well, actually, we're renting. Good luck with the recycling!

Lost in BC? I Can't Imagine Why

Here's something funny about here... If you're looking for a place on a particular street, you'd better get a map or ask for a cross street, because if you manage to find the street in question, chances are it's going to take you into a river or forest before you find your destination.

See, there's lots of creeks, rivers and parks here. If there's a street that starts on the east side of a park/river, where it dead ends at such, do they choose a different name for the different street on the other side of that park/river so as to avoid confusion?

No.

You end up with the same street name that spans the same imaginary line through the map, regardless of how many times it's interrupted by natural (or man-made) obstacles.

I'm all for efficiency and simplicity, but seriously. Seriously? Doesn't it just seem lazy to reuse the same street name when it's clear across the river or in a NEIGHBORING TOWN?

Some examples:

That's Coquitlam River bisecting Patricia Ave.


Here we have Lincoln Ave. turning into Lincoln Dr. before you levitate your car over the nature area to rejoin Lincoln Ave. on the other side. Bitchen.


In North Vancouver, one can hovercraft from one Evergreen Pl to the other. Rad.


And my favorite so far - Dewdney Trunk Road - it goes through Coquitlam and ENDS where you see that street END in that town. At the END of the street, where it ENDS.


Then a few miles down the highway, after you cross the Pitt River and enter Pitt Meadows, Hey LOOK! There it is again! Yay! Dewdney, Dewdney, Dewdney, DEWDNEY!!!

If you scroll along the Google Map through Pitt River, you'll see that Dewdney Trunk Road continues through town a ways north of the Lougheed Highway. Scroll down when you spot the Meadow Gardens Golf Course.

What? What's that you see? Why YES - that's ANOTHER (the same?) Dewdney Goddamn Trunk Road, and it continues through the next town - Maple Ridge - and BEYOND - all the way to... wait for it... WAAAAIIIIT for it... DEWDNEY!

I'm guessing it keeps going all the way to Labrador.

DEWDNEY!

The Slop Line

Went to a bakery yesterday to get bread to go with our soup and picked up what I *thought* was a package of chocolate croissants for today's breakfast.

Oftentimes when cooking/baking something it's a good idea to put a little something on top of the item to help indicate what's in it. For example, almond croissants usually have slivered almonds on top - easy enough, yes?

These croissants, much like many chocolate croissants I've seen, had nothing on top but you could see the appearance of a dark filling at the corners. Unfortunately, that dark filling was in no way chocolate-related, but instead a spinach or pesto-type substance.

It's upsetting to bite into something like spanikopita when your mouth is ready for a sweet, gooey chocolate-filled pastry. Would a single pinoli on top be too much to ask? Or a spinach leaf? Something?

Disappointed that we had no sweet gooey treats for a Sunday breakfast, we went to Tim Horton's. At 9:30 on a Sunday morning.

The drive-thru line snaked around and out of the parking lot so we went inside. The line inside was only slightly shorter, with people joining from doors on both sides of the building.

We walked in and made our way toward the end of the line that weaved back through the tables. We joined the end of the line as two guys that came in from the other door cut in front of us.

These fine boys were sportin long, stringy hair and clothes that were mostly clean and both had summer teeth. Summer over here, summer over there.

With a scowl on his face, Dirty Stringy Blond Guy said "fuck this - just like the slop line in jail." Dirty Stringy Native Guy mumbled something in return.

I micro-stepped back toward David and stayed glued to him as the line moved along. DSBG kept grumbling about one thing or another while DSNG mumbled inaudible replies. David and I talked about the idea of working the graveyard shift there - they're hiring, if you're interested.

When it was their turn to order, the tough ex-con act disappeared and they were polite and friendly to the cashier. Watching a scene like this unfold, it's difficult not to burst out laughing like it's a live Kids in the Hall sketch.

After just a short time here, I have a whole new appreciation for their show. KITH fans might remember numerous parodies of Ontario Provincial Police, like when they're lounging on the hood of the patrol car talking about doughnuts or hockey while an old woman gets mugged right in front of them.

A few weeks ago there was a terrible car accident at a strip mall - a pickup driver crashed into a sushi restaurant. The police had the parking lot closed down for three days while they worked that case. SFPD would have been done with that in 20 minutes.

Last week two people were found murdered in a home in Surrey. Someone had called 911 reporting that they heard gunshots, but the police decided not to check it out.

This place is weird and funny.

Gerry vs. Gerry

I watched the movie Gerry yesterday and I don't know what to think. Interesting, weird, quiet, moody, sad. And I just kept thinking, how could you be so stupid to not only lose your way, but go out for a hike without any water? Who does that?

And were there really two Gerry's or was it like Fight Club - one fractured Gerry? Why does Gerry 1 strangle Gerry 2 at the end? Sorry, if you haven't yet seen it, but I'm not spoiling too much. It happens, but there's no clear reason why, or if it really did happen (that is, if Gerry was MPD, he solved that problem, but no one was actually "strangled").

The whole thing was weird. I think I liked it, but mostly, it bothered me. It's not easy to sit and watch the very avoidable demise of two perfectly healthy young men.