Effing S.A.D.

she's so happy she's going to eat the whole bowl of fruit!

I used to think it was funny that someone came up with "Seasonal Affective Disorder" to make "sad" sound less pathetic and more like an actual, clinical diagnosis, but I'm not laughing now.

That shit is real, and now I blame Canada for making it especially bad. Fucking Canada. I also picked the wrong month to stop eating doughnuts.

If I could open a vein and shove a dozen doughnuts in there along with a pot of coffee, I would do it. I have a Cuisinart.

At first I thought it was just the lack of sugar and my serotonin levels were all frakked up. Then I thought it was my ever-volatile hormones pickling my brain. Now I'm pretty sure it's just winter - that shitty, shitty bitch.

Living in the Bay Area, we usually don't get much "winter." We might get a few storms that can knock a bird turd off the hood of my car, but that's about it.

Supposedly there's an El Niño this year - that's Spanish for "THE Niño" - and "the storm door is open," so we just had a shit ton of storms come through, one after the other for about a week. It seems like it's been much longer.

I love the rain, especially a fierce storm with thunder and lightning. What I don't love is having to turn on all the lights in the house at 10am.

The depression kicked in again this week - just enough to kill any shred of motivation I might have had to be productive in some way, but not so much that I couldn't eventually find a way to put on pants and drag my ass to the store, which I did today only because the cats were out of food and YOU DO NOT RUN OUT OF CAT FOOD if you want to keep the skin on your face.

Now I understand the desire to take a pill - any pill - if it might bring relief from the endless inertia and apathy.

Rather than take a pill, I went to a trusted remedy - caffeine and sugar. That's right - I broke my resolution and had fully-leaded Peet's coffee and a granola bar with cane juice and chocolate. I had to. I couldn't wear that fleece robe one minute longer and watch any more bad TV. After a while it's no longer comforting, it's just lame.

I tried just the caffeine first, trying to avoid the stronger drug - sugar. After some Peet's half caf I didn't feel any different, but the delicious flavor made the drive to Pet Club a little less boring.

By the time I got to Trader Joe's I was feeling a little better, but bought the chocolate-coated chewy granola bars anyway. Popped one of those with the last of the coffee and sure as shit, I'm feeling fine now.

Some of you might be thinking, Oh Nootsie, you should have just laced up your trainers and gone out for a run, and to that I say go run yourself into an oncoming train.

When I was *sooper* depressed a couple of weeks ago and posted something about it on Facebook, someone said I should "do some cardio! it totally helps!" You can shove your cardio in your ass.

If you've ever been depressed, you don't just "do some cardio!" Depression precludes doing just about anything. And the shit running through your head keeps you heading farther down the rabbit hole - it's like a virus that replicates faster than you can try to kill it.

Thankfully, mine only gets so bad and I know it's temporary and I know it'll pass and I know I can still function if I have to and I know if I really need to, a little caffeine and carbs can help, but it doesn't make it any easier when I'm in that hole.

Maybe I'll break down and buy that incredibly ugly lamp for SADful people, then bask in its glow with a vat of Peet's and a case of Krispy Kremes until spring comes.

CVS is S-A-D

While we were on the lam in Canada last year CVS/pharmacy bought Long's Drug's. It was sad news because I and many of my friends loved Long's.

By the way, what's with the slash? Is it a Consumer Value Store Pharmacy, or just a pharmacy, or just a store? Why not CVS Pharmacy? Or are they planning a whole collection of chains, like maybe CVS/oil changers, CVS/smoothie hut, CVS/guns & ammo? The slash is stupid, much like their stores.

Long's was my all-time favorite place to shop, and I hate shopping, but I loved cruising their aisles full of stuff. Where else can you pick up mascara, Kodak Tri-X Pan 400 black & white film, a Faucet Queen thingie for the kitchen sink, Dinty Moore beef stew, a $60 Bart ticket, moist butt wipes AND a nice bottle of wine for dinner all in one place?

Every Long's felt like a quaint, local drug store, regardless of which one you went to. Its many aisles were narrow and jam-packed with all sorts of goodies. All the usual drug store stuff, but also tons of food, snacks, candy, gifts, makeup, greeting cards, jewelry, clothes, housewares, plants, flowers, garden stuff, cameras, film, hardware, ice cream, wine and BOOZE!

When David's parents visited us years ago we stopped at a Long's to grab a few things for the road. In moments, David's mom's arms were FULL of stuff. She found me in another aisle and with big, wide eyes she said, "This store is AMAZING!"

It really was. There was something about it. Every store felt familiar but each had its own funky vibe - you never knew what you might find. A true shopping adventure.

When I heard they'd sold out, I was bummed. Another local business swallowed up by a crappy competitor. (Long's first store was on Piedmont Avenue in Oakland.)

The other day I had to find those stupid little batteries for the cat's laser toy. I saw a former Long's/CVS nearby, so I gave it a try. It was every bit as disappointing as I'd expected and more.

Gone were the numerous aisles of good stuff, replaced by a handful of aisles set so wide apart you could cruise them in a forklift. Gone was the classic, bulletproof linoleum, replaced by a sad, depressing dark grey carpet. Carpet? In a drug store? You can't splatter a jar of pickles on that. The stains look great though. Stupid.

I walked around the whole store and mourned. It looked to have a tenth of what Long's used to carry and none of it looked any good. The displays are sad, the merchandising is sad - the whole place is just sad.

Even worse was the staff. I think they grow them in a facility somewhere in Winnipeg. I waited forever behind a woman trying to use a coupon and the cashier couldn't do the math. She had to call a manager, the manager wandered up to check the price of the item - I don't even know what happened after that - I blacked out. When I came to the sun was in a different place in the sky and I wanted to take a long hot shower and curl up in bed.

I was never a huge fan of Walgreen's but I'm going to go out of my way to find a Walgreen's rather than ever step foot inside a CVS/shithole ever again. Long's, it was a bitch move to sell out. You let us down. When I'm old and even crankier, I don't know where I'm going to buy my gallons of Carlo Rossi and tins of Danish butter cookies.

Downer Friday

I learned today a high school friend passed away this morning. Who has a heart attack and dies at 41? How can that happen? He had three little girls. I don't even know what to say.

Gerry vs. Gerry

I watched the movie Gerry yesterday and I don't know what to think. Interesting, weird, quiet, moody, sad. And I just kept thinking, how could you be so stupid to not only lose your way, but go out for a hike without any water? Who does that?

And were there really two Gerry's or was it like Fight Club - one fractured Gerry? Why does Gerry 1 strangle Gerry 2 at the end? Sorry, if you haven't yet seen it, but I'm not spoiling too much. It happens, but there's no clear reason why, or if it really did happen (that is, if Gerry was MPD, he solved that problem, but no one was actually "strangled").

The whole thing was weird. I think I liked it, but mostly, it bothered me. It's not easy to sit and watch the very avoidable demise of two perfectly healthy young men.

Reset

Maybe it was the Patron last night or the bacon at Sears. Today was weird. I kinda had a breakdown, to borrow the eloquent headline from this week's Onion.

It was all Jeff's fault. He asked me "are you OK?" and sure, I still have my hair and my lungs are working, but my eyes keep leaking.

I rinsed off my mascara with the natural cleansing power of tears and later on went for a nice walk. Had some sorbet. Got some sun. And now I'm planning a vacation. A real vacation. We'll find someone to fill in for me while I'm out so I don't come back to an avalanche of shit.

It's funny when you lose your shit at work. People treat you differently... they talk a little quieter and enunciate very clearly. They refrain from making any large, sudden movements, because at any moment, maybe I'll just start crapping my pants or peeing all over the furniture.

Maybe this is how insanity starts. One day you seem a bit more stressed than usual, laughing & crying simultaneously... and before too long, you're writing your manifesto in your own feces.