Coast Crapital Senseless & Lame

I've never hated a bank as much as I hate this piece of shit Canadian "bank." The people are nice enough, but they cannot make a working website to save their hockey-lovin lives.

Sure, maybe I just need to eat lunch and stop yelling PIECE OF SHIT! at my laptop screen - take a moment to calm down, but where's the fun in that!? PIECE OF SHIT! PIECE OF SHIT! PIECE OF SHIT!!!

I try to log in, it appears as if I'm logging in, then the screen refreshes and evidently I have NOT logged in. I'm trying to pay a bill. I would like to pay the bill. But I CANNOT pay the goddamn bill because this PIECE OF SHIT website will not allow me to pay the bill.

This is the banking website that has their online "representative" fucking around at her desk with a man in a gorilla suit behind her. It should be no surprise that their website doesn't work. It's a PIECE OF SHIT.

Yes, my cookies are enabled. Yes, I'm using the highest level of encryption and all that garbage. Other banking sites work fine. It's just THIS ONE that was built by Canadian geese. I would not recommend using Canadian geese to build your website.

Also, why in the world would I want to join this bank on Facebook? Why in the HELL would I follow them on Twitter? Are you fucking KIDDING me? You're a BANK!

How about you try being a BANK instead of fucking around on Facebook and Twitter? Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe you should focus on BEING A BANK? A BANK WITH A WORKING WEBSITE? Take a minute and think it over.

Meanwhile, I'll be using ANOTHER BANK for BANKING business. Take your time, send some tweets, fill out the 50 Things About Coast Crapital. Here, I'll get you started:

1. Were you named after anyone?
Not someone, but some*thing* - crap, as in the slang term for feces. Because we're supposedly near the "coast," we got super clever and called ourselves Coast Crapital. We're called a savings & loan, but we don't want our customers to be able to access their money too easily. We've taken care of that by having just one branch every 400km and we built a website that looks like a website but it's really just a series of linked JPGs.

2. When was the last time you cried?
Is that a human behavior?

3. Do you like your handwriting?
I like everything I do, even if it infuriates our customers and makes our bank look incredibly stupid and inept. Hells yes.

4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Bologna.

5. If you weren't a bank would you be friends with you?
Not a bank - that's funny. LMAO.

If I could get my hands around your asinine online rep's throat, I'd squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until my money popped out of her eyes and into my lap where I could use it to pay that damn bill. I hate you so much right now.

Update: I sent them an email telling them about the problem and this is the response I received:

Thank you for your Account Product Support inquiry.

This is a technical issue that can likely be fixed. Please call our technical support at 1.877.33.7736.

Even their support system is manned by geese. Awesome.


Update #2: I replied to let them know they'd left out a digit in their tech support number and how much that bolstered my confidence. I also told them I wouldn't be using their online services anymore. Their reply:

Our website does work and if you are having technical problems with it the I would suggest phoning our technical support line. I do apologize about leaving the digit out last time. [can you hear the whiny "it *does* work!"? - hilarious.]

I told them thanks but no thanks. Isn't it neat when a company argues with you about their broken crap? I recommended their developers do a little testing to see what they could find without me spending any more of my time on the problem.

Someone else replied again - it's been a different person every time - to politely ask me to contact their tech support folks. Third time's a charm - no more argument in that message. Someone over there took the Customer Service Basics seminar. I won't respond this time - I've had enough fun for today.