The Great Warm South

Boy, does it feel GOOD to be out of the fugging Great Wet North. To any Canadians who find this post, I'm sorry, but I fugging hate your country in the winter. It's so fugging depressing. The fall wasn't so hot, either.

I'm sure some people don't mind mildewing for months, but to me it's akin to eating sand. I could, but I'd rather not. The whole idea is stupid.

What's more, there are a LOT of Canucks who must feel the same way, because I'm running into them all over town here in Palm Desert. They came south in SEPTEMBER. While it was STILL WARM up north.

Funny thing though, when I chit chat with these folks, they all rave about how much they love Canada. As they luxuriate here, in California. I find that hilarious. I love Canada too, as a jaunty cap for the U.S.

It's hard not to ask why they're not still there, enjoying the chilly grey days and endless rain. Yeah. It's fugging beautiful country, when the clouds ever lift and you can see clearly for a few miles. Gorgeous.

Why can't they admit that they don't love the stupid winters any more than an almost-native Californian? No one's buying your story anymore, folks.

Know what other story no one's buying anymore? "This was an uncharacteristically long, cold winter. It's not usually this bad." Bullllllllllllllllllllshit. How would you know if you're outta there every September? You kids are hilarious. Really. You're killing me. Please, try the veal and tip your servers.

I've only been here a few days and I'm already dreading going back. If only I could teleport David and the kids down here... Sure, he doesn't care for the heat, but he doesn't complain about that when he's floating around in the pool sipping a cocktail.

He also doesn't complain when I wear short skirts and high heels. Because here I can dress like that without deep-freezing my hoo-ha or soaking my feet in endless puddles. Here I can be a girl. There, I'm a lumberjack. Take your pick. I know which option I prefer.

Though if I stay here much longer, none of my skirts will fit. I've had more cocktails in the past three days than I've had in the last six months and it seems like all we do is go from one meal to the next. I think my parents are trying to fatten me up for a livestock auction. I might have to run back to Canada just to break even on the calories.

It's late now and I should be asleep, but I want to be awake every moment I'm here. I never realized how much I missed California 'til I was gone. I love you, California.