Happy Birthday, Smack Jackson

I know how you all love reading about me and all the riveting things that happen to me and my brilliant ideas about the world - I know it's the best part of your day to stop here and get your Nootsmaak fix. You don't have to thank me... although you could. I wouldn't stop you.

But today we're going to take a brief - BRIEF - break from the gift that is me and wish my hubby a happy birthday. He wasn't ecstatic about turning 40, but maybe after a little while he'll realize it's a meaningless number. Except when it's time to renew the health insurance.

Smack is a Midwestern boy and I'm glad he found me. It's difficult to find quality mates in San Francisco. My single girlfriends will back me up on that. Lots of self-absorption and "you're so lucky to know me" going on. And I should know since you're soooo lucky to know me.

Bear in mind, I'm not dissing all potential partners, just some. Or most - your mileage may vary. By the time Smack hinted that he might want to be more than friends, I'd given up on dating in SF. Taken myself off the market. I'm a terrible dater.

When Mr. Man sent me that email (we're both geeks) about maybe going out sometime, I sort-of became Kristen Wiig's Excited Sue character.

I'd known him for a year or so - we were both involved with other people most of that time - but even when I first met him, I instantly respected him. That's rare.

He's a good person, through and through. And so damn funny. The shit he says kills me. And omigod, he has such a fine ass. I can't not mention that. Dreamy. And he loves cats. Loves them. He's the reason we have THREE of them. And I love the little lines around his eyes when he smiles. Gorgeous.

And it's not just me who thinks he's great - my family prefers him over me most of time. I don't think he realizes how great he is, and maybe that's another thing to like about him.

So, Happy Birthday - I love you and can't wait to see what the next 40 years has in store for you.

Left for Cream Cheese

This post is all about the importance of communication and keeping one's imagination in check. Or taking a pill. But mostly it's about communication.

Rooty might remember a similar story about David and his trip to Monterey. We're still working on "checking in" and "using your words."

The other day we got outta bed and David said he was going to run to the store to pick up cream cheese. It was just before 9 a.m. when he took off to the store. I pushed the button on the magic box and had some toast.

I later curled up on the couch with the crossword and as it got closer to 10 a.m. thought it must be stupid busy at the store and he'll be pissed, caught up in the crowds just for cream cheese.

I'm not really a worrier, but when you know your husband's trip to the store should only take a half hour, you start to wonder - did someone crash into him? Did he drive into a tree? Did he slip on a pickle & hit his head and not remember who he is? Is he wandering the streets eating pickles?

The thought of the car wreck came into my head when I heard screeching tires down the street. He was probably fine - but then again, it *could* happen. People have accidents every day. Maybe he was in the ER and soon I'd get the call... if he remembered who he is...

Soon after 10 I thought I'd try him on his cell phone & see what was up. As I dialed the number I walked back toward his office with a hunch. Yup - there it was, ringing on his desk. No reaching him that way.

I got ready to run some errands and around 10:30 went out to the porch for some air. At this point I was worried. On one hand, I was sure everything was probably fine, but on the other hand, you never know. Stuff happens. No one's immune to accidents or UFO abductions in the dairy aisle.

While on the porch I saw Crazy Neighbor Bob puttering around his yard and was reminded of a conversation we'd had a couple of weeks earlier. We were next door at a neighbor's open house when Bob told us about trying to get women in the neighborhood to go out with him. No matter what he tried, no one would go on a date with him.

At that moment I thought, Christ, if anything happens to David, that guy is gonna be over here trying to get me to go out with him.

Now I'm not distraught, but I can't begin to figure out what's happened. Where could he be? Has he left me using the pretense of going out to get cream cheese? I won't be able to tell anyone that - I'll have to say I caught him with an XBox robot and that was it.

When I came back inside I heard him talking on the answering machine and ran to the phone to pick it up. He finished his message just before I could press the Talk button. Now I had to call him back. I scrolled to the number in the phone and jammed down the Talk button.

He answered, chipper as ever. My frazzled state was obvious as I asked what the hell had happened to him. Then he was annoyed, not understanding why I could be so frustrated and worried. What's up with me? I, I, I, but, where, what, WHERE ARE YOU?

He was at work, of course. How could I not know he was at work? He *said* "I'm going to the store to grab some cream cheese." How did I not understand that also meant, "While I'm out, I'm going to stop by work to grab a file I couldn't access last night and while I'm there, I'll get caught up helping the IT guy with a server problem and after that I'll pick up the cream cheese."

Much later that same day, as we enjoyed a tasty dinner, he apologized for his loner, latchkey kid ways and I reminded him of the conversation we'd had with Bob. He promised to never let anything happen to him, ever.

24 Drinking Game

Drink or I'll shoot! DO IT!!!

Created by David, to be enjoyed by all:

Title	Event
Adult Language	Jack Uses Profanity
Collateral Damage	Non-CTU Agent, Soldier, Policeman or Terrorist killed
Presidential Citation	Sherri Palmer/David Palmer mentioned by full name
GTA	Jack Steals a vehicle (Helicopters = double penalty)
Beatdown	Jack whips someone's ass (Snapping a Limb = double penalty)
Citing Protocol	Anyone in CTU cites "Protocol" (only drink on first event or risk missing entire episode due to drunkenness)
The Octagon	Chuck Norris Cameo (pause show consume entire margarita)
Penal State	Anyone is put in holding cell 1 or 2
Dramatic Pause	The Chief of Staff takes off his glasses for dramatic accent
Cliffhanger	Jack screams NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Magnum Force	Jack intentionally kills someone (non-firearm kills are a double penalty)
Chloe Award	Chloe sneers, frowns, rolls eyes or snorts like Napoleon Dynamite
Red Shirt Penalty	Any CTU agent is killed (Jack Bauer excepted)
Executive Power	Jack speaks to the President via phone
Magic Bullet	Jack reloads his pistol/rifle/machine gun/shotgun/taser/nailgun
High Drama	Cut to a commercial but clock doesn't beep
Eye in the Sky	CTU boss peers through office blinds at anyone (ominously)
The Interweb	Anyone in CTU says "Open a Socket" or "Send/Transfer … to my Screen"
Moment of Zen	Jack says "Put Down Your Weapon" (Combined w/ profanity is double)
Black Belt Jones	Curtis is shot, beaten, stabbed, lied to or otherwise disrespected
You're Fired	Someone orders the arrest, interrogation, murder or firing of Jack Bauer
Hand of God	Use of satellite to locate a moving vehicle (requires real-time video feed)
Phonus Interruptus	Cell phone call is abruptly cut off or taken away mid-sentence...
Gag Reflex	American Idol promo during commercial break
Capitalism Rules	Obvious Product Placement/Use of Logo (ex., Ford, Sony, Dell, Cingular) * Just count these up and have a drink at end of episode, salute to America
The Insider	Anyone addresses President by his/her first name
Busted	Anyone at CTU says "Division" is calling or "Division is sending someone over"

David hates Kim Bauer so much, he left her out of the game altogether. If Kim appears in any episode, I think that's a beer bong penalty.

We'll be keeping stats throughout the season. Any guesses on which event might top the charts?