24 Hours of Ass

We *were* watching the last season of 24 and it's so bad, it's not even a fun bad. The writing is still terrible, but this season the writers seem to really hate women - even more than before. Seriously.

Cherry Jones, who plays what you'd think would be a super strong female character - the president of the United States - was slapped in the face last season. When have any of the male presidents ever been slapped? Sure, one was shot in the neck, but I'll take a bullet in the neck any day over a slap in the face.

Now this season all her top advisors are men. Can't have a woman running the country without a shit ton of advice from a stable of stallions - men know best. You just keep your skirt suit straight - we'll handle the rest. There isn't one woman in her executive team. None. And as David just reminded me, last season her daughter turned out to be a traitor.

Then we have another super strong actress, Katee Sackhoff, who kicked all kinds of ass on BSG, in a role where she's emotionally and physically abused by a former boyfriend. W. T. F.? And don't even get me started on how she could possibly work for CTU and lie about who she is. Come ON.

Also returning from last season is Renee Walker, the tough, now-former FBI agent who had some sort of "breakdown" as a result of being undercover with the Russian mob. So destroyed, she tried to kill herself, as we were shown by the scars on her wrists.

Later we get to see her shower and then endure some friendly rape by her former Russian mob contact all in the name of helping her country. Who, by the way, is also a BSG alum. 24 has become the Love Boat of anti-terrorism dramas.

Jack never had a breakdown and he was tortured in China - for an entire off season. Why isn't Jack a cutter? Or at least a chain smoker? Are you kidding me? Jack's also never needed to shower during any 24-hour period. Ever.

And Chloe - hilarious Chloe - kept around for the comic relief we've come to expect. Love her, but she's not respected by her coworkers or her boss. She might as well be a bumbling secretary.

Even Kim, silly, leg-caught-in-the-cougar-trap Kim, wasn't given anything to do other than get a kid into and out of a car and tell Jack to go fight the bad guys. So lame.

I stayed with the show this long because it was fun to watch Jack Bauer holler his way through every show and see hilarious pseudo technology in action. But now I'm done. I couldn't give two shits what happens to Jack Blower or anyone else in the show.

They had some good years. There were a few good female characters in years past, but they were all killed off or put out to pasture. This season the writers have serious mommy issues and might be keeping their girlfriends in deep wells telling them "It puts the lotion in the basket."

I suppose we can blame Kiefer Sutherland for this season - he's the exec producer. It would seem it's Kiefer who has the mommy issues.

Cannot watch this shit anymore. What a waste of time. Obviously I'm the idiot for tuning in. G'bye Jack.

Stats Piling Up

No surprise, Jack is off to a quick start. His first GTA (grand theft auto) happened within the first half hour and he killed the first terrorist with an inspired bite to the jugular vein - that was a first for me in a TV show.

We realized it might be impossible to keep an accurate count of Chloe's frowns/eye rolling and decided every time she's in a scene, count three and that's probably safe.

While The Interweb category included specific quotes we thought would be enough, we've now widened that category to include any/all fantastical use of the Interweb, such as a clear, detailed map appearing on a standard cell phone after Jack types longitude/latitude coordinates, perfectly centered, into a clean, white screen.

The other Interweb point was for the clarity enhancement of Jack's photo on a satellite surveillance image, which we know always works. Looked fuzzy from a distance, but when you zoom in 10x, *that's* when it becomes crystal clear.

And we realized, this being the 6th season, we overlooked an important category, the "I'm Too Old For This Shit" category, noting Jack's two mentions of, "I can't do this anymore."

We also noted, as with past seasons, Jack's been up & at 'em for two hours now and has not had a proper breakfast nor has he visited the loo.

Extra points for the writers for creating a sleeper family member, Sandra Palmer.

For more fun stuff about Jack, enjoy Jack Bauer is God, a fun takeoff on the Chuck Norris Facts that were included in last year's "Best Non Required Reading of 2006."

Go Jack!

24 Drinking Game

Drink or I'll shoot! DO IT!!!

Created by David, to be enjoyed by all:

Title	Event
Adult Language	Jack Uses Profanity
Collateral Damage	Non-CTU Agent, Soldier, Policeman or Terrorist killed
Presidential Citation	Sherri Palmer/David Palmer mentioned by full name
GTA	Jack Steals a vehicle (Helicopters = double penalty)
Beatdown	Jack whips someone's ass (Snapping a Limb = double penalty)
Citing Protocol	Anyone in CTU cites "Protocol" (only drink on first event or risk missing entire episode due to drunkenness)
The Octagon	Chuck Norris Cameo (pause show consume entire margarita)
Penal State	Anyone is put in holding cell 1 or 2
Dramatic Pause	The Chief of Staff takes off his glasses for dramatic accent
Cliffhanger	Jack screams NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Magnum Force	Jack intentionally kills someone (non-firearm kills are a double penalty)
Chloe Award	Chloe sneers, frowns, rolls eyes or snorts like Napoleon Dynamite
Red Shirt Penalty	Any CTU agent is killed (Jack Bauer excepted)
Executive Power	Jack speaks to the President via phone
Magic Bullet	Jack reloads his pistol/rifle/machine gun/shotgun/taser/nailgun
High Drama	Cut to a commercial but clock doesn't beep
Eye in the Sky	CTU boss peers through office blinds at anyone (ominously)
The Interweb	Anyone in CTU says "Open a Socket" or "Send/Transfer … to my Screen"
Moment of Zen	Jack says "Put Down Your Weapon" (Combined w/ profanity is double)
Black Belt Jones	Curtis is shot, beaten, stabbed, lied to or otherwise disrespected
You're Fired	Someone orders the arrest, interrogation, murder or firing of Jack Bauer
Hand of God	Use of satellite to locate a moving vehicle (requires real-time video feed)
Phonus Interruptus	Cell phone call is abruptly cut off or taken away mid-sentence...
Gag Reflex	American Idol promo during commercial break
Capitalism Rules	Obvious Product Placement/Use of Logo (ex., Ford, Sony, Dell, Cingular) * Just count these up and have a drink at end of episode, salute to America
The Insider	Anyone addresses President by his/her first name
Busted	Anyone at CTU says "Division" is calling or "Division is sending someone over"

David hates Kim Bauer so much, he left her out of the game altogether. If Kim appears in any episode, I think that's a beer bong penalty.

We'll be keeping stats throughout the season. Any guesses on which event might top the charts?