A Different Kind of Job

These are tough times for finding good jobs. It's tempting to look for a safe option, like tech writer or online producer, but what a great time to find your calling and do something you've always dreamed about, or something that needs to be done that no one else is doing.

I think I've found that job. Killing everyone and anyone who ever abuses or neglects an animal. No warnings, no trial, no jury - just me, a nice gun and a list of names.

Who pays for this service? Good question. The ASPCA? The government? Let's not worry about that for now. Regardless of where the money comes from, this is a job that pays for itself in a few ways.

Firstly, the sense of satisfaction we could all feel knowing these people and their genes are off the planet. Whew! Wouldn't that feel great?

Secondly, these people area huge waste of resources. If they can't properly look after an animal, there's no way they can be trusted to look after children or any other human, and they obviously have no respect for the planet, so why keep them around?

If they can't take care of an animal, they can't possibly be productive members of any community. They're useless morons, plain & simple. Some might say, "Oh, they didn't know that XYZ might be harmful..." Bullshit. Ignorant? Misinformed? Lazy? No excuse - you're dead.

Thirdly, just the threat alone of knowing you'll be shot and exterminated if you're ever caught doing anything untoward to an animal seems like it would be an effective deterrent and possibly prevent these things from happening in the first place.

Think of the money saved by having these idiots off the planet. You know they call in sick to work to stay home and watch Springer, so if they're working for you, you're getting shanked, and that's if they even have a job. They're probably living off the dole - your tax dollars at work. Why not put those tax dollars to work eradicating these pests?

I'm available to start now.

Craigslist Debate

When doing business on Craigslist there's a high probability of dealing with weirdos, but that can be part of the fun. You never know who you might meet or what sort of debate [argument] you might start.

After I posted an ad to sell our TV, one of the first responses was from a woman who wished she needed a TV so she could come by and give me a high five. That made my day. We exchanged numerous emails and now she's my new BFF here in Vancouver - yo Lauren!

One guy wanted to trade us scrap lumber for the TV. We were interested in firewood, not 6'-long 2x4s we would have to gradually feed into the fireplace. But thanks - it was a nice thought.

Another guy responded promptly that he wanted to "buy it off" us, which was nice, but then he sent a follow up response that he'd read the ad through and now he didn't want it. It's so true - no one reads anything online.

After we sold it I updated the ad that it had been sold. Today I got a response from someone who responded to my crack about Palin polluting the airwaves, saying better her in the White House than - you'll never guess... wait for it... "a monkey."

Isn't that wonderful? And people wonder why I say things like "bring on the meteors" and why I'd prefer we didn't have seat belt and helmet laws. We have to cull the herd - NOW.

If morons like this are permitted to vote, let alone breed, the planet is truly doomed.

Admittedly, my response was less than productive, saying "Sarah Palin is about as valuable as a used tampon in a clean underwear drawer. Her head is so far up her ass that she can see McCain’s team in there pulling the strings. I’d vote for a monkey any day before voting for that useless sack of shit and his stupid twat of a running mate."

Sure, I could have ignored the message, but it's not every day I get to put all those words together in one email and hit the Send button. I wonder if he/she will write me back.

Stupid in a Can

There was some serious stupid on the roads today. A jackass in Napa, upset that he ended up behind a truck on a two-lane road, felt it necessary to flip off the truck driver once he managed to get around it. Nice.

Later, I was cruising down Highway 12 when a TOTAL dumbshit turned onto the highway directly in front of me. It wasn't a blind turn - it was a wide open side road joining the highway.

He drifted right into the lane of traffic, totally unaware that he was merging onto a major thoroughfare, though "merging" isn't the best word - it was more like a giant dump thrown onto the road.

In that moment I clearly understood the rage of the road. Not only was it incredibly rude and inconsiderate, it was dangerous. Someone with slower reflexes (or bad brakes) would have slammed right into his lame ass and sent him and his equally blind passenger to the ER.

Then, THEN - at the ONLY passing lane there is on that stretch of road, he friggin camped in the left lane and made it impossible to pass him - because a capable driver in front of him had already moved into the right lane, leaving no space to maneuver around him on the right. AND HE WASN'T PASSING ANYONE!!!

Omigod, if only I'd had a rotten egg-shooting bazooka, that Hyundai would have been slathered in stinky egg carcasses. Seriously - someone please make me a rotten egg-shooting bazooka.

Not the Only Flame in Town

I know this will sound mean, but I loved how Gavin & Co. tricked the tricksters and left a crowd of lemmings in the lurch at Justin Herman Plaza.

Not that I begrudge anyone wanting to enjoy a historical event / protest / demonstration / sore feet, but did they actually think they'd be able to get anywhere near it after what went on in London and Paris?

Gavin said many times that the route would likely change at any time, so that seems like even more reason to not to count on seeing it.

I watched the coverage on live TV - loved the aerial tour of SF - and when word got out at the Plaza that the ceremony was canceled, a few people interviewed whined about how they'd been there for 9 hours waiting to see the torch.

Nine hours. Nine. Hours. One woman complained that she'd come into the city with her family and now they were going to go home. ??? You can't think of anything else to do in the city with your family?

First, you're with your whole family - that seems like a nice thing. Second, so what if you didn't get to see the torch - go have dinner somewhere. Walk around the Embarcadero. Go shopping at the Ferry Building. Take Bart to Union Square or go see a movie! What a lame ass!

Another woman said she "deserved" to see the torch because she'd waited all day. No one told Heather Fong about this chosen woman at the Plaza. I'm sure had she known, she'd have stuck with the original course.

All the disappointed folks can thank the idiots who thought it was a good idea to lie down in front of a bus. Oh, and you can also thank the city supervisor who thought it was a good idea to LEAD some protesters directly into the route - nice work, asshole.

The protesting is stupid. There's no excuse for what's going on in Tibet, but we're the last country to be telling anyone else how to treat other countries. And stunts that stop traffic or shut down city streets really just piss everyone off and make them totally unsympathetic to your cause.

Want to make a statement? Don't buy or use anything that comes from China. Don't buy China-made clutter peddled at Walfart and other stores. Though that's pocket change compared to the billions they have invested in US companies.

If you're serious, boycott companies with Chinese investment. Barrage your elected officials with letters and emails. Organize peaceful, non-disruptive events to get the word out. Don't ruin events meant to celebrate international competition between athletes who might only get that chance once in a lifetime.

And if you're in the city on a beautiful day, don't complain.

Tatiana Did Us a Favor

Thanks to a few stupid teenagers, a beautiful tiger is dead. A kid is also dead, but if he was taunting her, he paid the ultimate price for being a thoughtless jackass, and good riddance.

The surviving kids should be charged with manslaughter. They should also be punished for what happened to the tiger.

Squeeze them and their parents into fresh, tailored meat suits, throw them into the pit and let the tigers do what they will. That's one thing that might motivate me to visit a zoo.

Suffering from ED?

(cartoon from thismodernworld.org)

Sean Hannity and his male listeners must be, cause they can't advertise ED drugs enough on his little show.

I had a long drive home on Monday after an offsite in St. Helena, so while surfing the radio for entertainment I found Hammity's show.

Shows like his are a laugh-a-minute as he makes one overly-generalized comment after another without any rationale or credible information to back his claims/rants.

And his listeners are even worse, calling him up to tell him he's a "great American" and a "patriot" before they launch into their own half-baked (or unbaked) comments.

At one point, Hammity mentioned the partial birth abortion ban and what a great thing it was, blah, blah, blah, no uterus, unfounded comment, blah, blah, yak, yak, yak, and a woman called in to ask why people who actually wanted babies are punished.

She rambled about how she was being punished for wanting a baby, that she and her husband had undergone fertility treatments and because they admitted as such when applying for health insurance, they were denied coverage.

She thinks an insurance company is trying to punish her for wanting a child. Does she not understand how insurance works? They don't *want* to pay for your $30K IVF treatments, because they're *expensive.* It has nothing to do with what sort of turkey baster you're using or what's in it - if it costs that much and it's non-essential, you're on your own.

It was funny and sad, but mostly sad, and Hammity never tried to help her understand anything, but let her prattle on about how unfair it all is and how badly they want a baby, blah, blah, blah, and I'm thinking, You stupid cow, have you heard about adoption?

How bout you adopt one of the many unwanted kids who need homes? You're against any form of abortion, yet you're not willing to adopt an unwanted child who's already out of the womb, living, breathing, and needing new shoes? No, let's just make more children, try to get insurance to pay for it, and further overpopulate the world.

Check out Think Progress for a different slant.

Kinda Shredded

I've had that bug going around that saps every last drop of energy out of you and converts it into snot packed into your sinuses.

Slogging back & forth from Bart is already a drag, but becomes much more so when feeling like a wet paper sack.

Earlier this week I saw the little black cat that loiters around that area and became consumed with worry about this poor little kitty living in skeevetown near busy streets where no one gives a shit about driving the speed limit or waiting for a green light.

On Monday the traffic lights at the intersection by the garage were blinking red, and as I waited to make my left turn, a dipshit coming from the opposite lane blew straight through the intersection. He never even slowed down.

As I walked to the train after parking my car on Monday, I overheard a woman asking a man who had also just parked if they really check for permits before 10 a.m. Um, yes, they do, you lazy ass, and thanks for taking a spot I pay for every month.

Can't afford to pay the monthly fee? Then don't park there. Or get there earlier when there's plenty of parking for ONE GIANT DOLLAR on the top three floors of the garage.

I want is a ranch large enough where I can save all the beautiful kitties in the world and a Peet's coffee nearby.

Kill the Poachers

from exZOOberance.com

We were watching yet another depressing 60 Minutes on Sunday. One story in particular really bummed me out. The tiger population in India is dwindling fast and only a handful of people seem to give a shit.

One conservationist believes that anyone caught on a game reserve should be shot on sight. Huzzah! I'm all for it.

As he said, they come onto the reserve armed, intending to kill tigers - why give them a chance? Kill the poachers first. The 60 Minutes guy seemed surprised at this idea. I think it's fair.

And millions of idiots in China still believe things made from tiger bits will somehow enhance their lives. What dipshit doesn't look great in a tiger skin skirt? Now, if you fought the tiger in hand-to-paw combat for that skirt, I'd say you maybe earned the right to wear it, but still, it's lame and you're stupid

No one's thinking Big Picture here. I keep thinking someone must be. Someone must be keeping track of the situation to ensure we're not going to totally destroy the world.

But no. Someone isn't. If there's money to be made selling tiger whiskers, by god, go bag yourself a tiger and sell that shit. There will be plenty of people looking the other way, expecting their fair share to ensure you can sell all you want.

Now I understand why people join PETA and go all aggro/commando about this shit. Must be better than feeling totally helpless.

Then there's always the WWF.
[sigh]

Trolls Suck

I'm starting to really hate small-minded trolls. They should be rounded up & sent to Bangledesh to be ship breakers.

I was having a great time this morning shopping at the Alameda Flea Market, shooting photos here & there as I wandered, until I made the mistake of stopping at a sacred chandelier booth.

While amusing myself outside her booth, I heard a tinny, agitated voice repeatedly saying, "Can I help you?"

I didn't realize a troll was talking to me until she was in my face, asking me to not take pictures of her wonderful creations, so incredibly unique and mystical like the unicorn that photography might steal their souls and then no one would want to buy them.

Here's the wondrous creation:


Its soul now belongs to me. Using my zoom lens, I took many more photos from a distance and now she'll never sell another chandelier.

Mid-week Ramblings

old sign in downtown Oaktown

I just finished watching the rest of the SNL season premier and was not impressed. Not until the last sketch with Andy Samberg and Maya Rudolph spoofing the new Geico campaign - Andy as a college student who recently crashed his SUV, and Maya as Whitney Houston helping to tell his story.

Andy talked about trying to make it to class in time for a midterm, then "Whitney" talked about freebasing cocaine off a waffle iron, but "mama don't do that no mo!" Andy continued, describing how he lost control of his SUV. "Whitney" chimed in about how she lost control of her bowels. And her life!

She went on to include that she'd recently seen Bobby Brown on the street and threw a bag of chicken mcnuggets at his head. It was the only funny skit in the whole show. Thank you Maya (and Andy).

She also had the best line in last week's monologue, poking fun at southern stereotypes, telling Jamie Pressley that she "don't know nuthin bout birthin no monologue."

Switching gears completely... A coworker sent me a link to a story on NYTimes Online yesterday about the destruction of elephant culture - how elephants are lashing out in violent attacks against humans, villages, and other animals, because their family and social structure is being destroyed. By humans.

But to close on a somewhat lighter note, because there's not a lot I can do about the human race destroying the world we live in... if you haven't already seen these, you must watch G4's new ads for Star Trek 2.0 - thanks go to Griffin for hipping me to these today. Charlie Murphy is the voice of Spock and he's wonderful. My favorie is ST 2.0 Cribs - The Director's Cut. Scottaaay!