My Summer of Ass

I was really looking forward to this summer. Thought it might be a true summer vacation like I've not enjoyed in many years, where you can loll away the warm days doing whatever, whenever...

All in all, things were going pretty well. Before David accepted a great new job, we enjoyed many afternoons running together on Bay Farm Island... going to BBQs... seeing movies... Had a nice trip to Oregon with the family... Then things took a bit of a dark turn... meteorologically and, uh... rectally.

The fog came in. Hardcore. Weeks of cold, dark, overcast days.
That turned out to be the least of my problems.

This is not a post I want to write, but I feel I must as I have learned so much about colorectal health in the past few weeks, I'm compelled to share if only to maybe help just one other person avoid a truly heinous hemorrhoid experience.

First - almost everyone on this planet will deal with this situation at some point in his or her lifetime. All you people walking around with a smile on your face but a slight hitch in your giddyup - we know. You're not fooling anyone. It sucks. But I have information that may help you.

Second - if you're not sure what's going on back there, get thee to your doctor and make sure everything is copacetic. With the prevalence of colon cancer in our country, better safe than sorry.

Third - stone root. Buy this herbal tincture, thank it for all it's going to do for you, and use the ever loving shit out of it. More on this in a moment.

Fourth - fiber. Duh, I know, but getting enough can be a challenge and it can take a little time to acclimate your body to an increased amount.

Finally - water. I've gotten into a bad habit of not getting enough every day. Working on improving that, as staying hydrated is a huge advantage in warding off constipation.

Which brings me to my sad, painful story. This whole thing started not because of constipation - it was quite the opposite. Something made me ill and I was making frequent visits to the john. It seemed to be an effortless purge, but evidently my insides were not happy. Diarrhea can cause hemorrhoids - I never knew that before.

But whatever - it wasn't any big deal - we have the typical OTC ointments and creams - I was sure those would take care of it. I was wrong.

For some reason, this internal swollen vein was very angry and not going to go away quietly. I tried everything we had on-hand and nothing helped. Witch hazel - meh. Prep-H - useless - and it smells awful.

The only other thing we had was a benzocaine ointment, which, as it turned out, I may be allergic to. It seemed to work at first, and then things took a troubling turn. In addition to the venous problem, I now had an ass rash. Just the way you want to spend your summer, am I right?

You can't imagine how uncomfortable it was going for a run with THAT going on back there. Makes me cry all over again just thinking about it. And you can't scratch - you can't - you'll regret it - trust me. [still crying]

So I scoured the internets for information. The very best thing I found, a true miracle herb, is stone root. Get the tincture and follow the directions on the label, usually 1-2 dropperfuls (30-40 drops) in a small glass of water, 3-4x a day.

Not sure if that's a daily maintenance dose or a 'medicinal' dose during troubled times... I'll use a smaller daily dose for maintenance & see how it goes.

After just one day, it helped me immensely. It didn't take care of the ass rash, but thankfully I found Tucks at Drugstore.com - hydrocortisone - and that cleared it up pronto and killed the itch.

Also - huge thanks to my good friend "Sacajawea" for recommending Calmoseptine. She endured horrendous hemorrhoids (and a fissure) while pregnant. As its name implies, it's a wonderfully calming salve that feels utterly delicious on suffering skin. I might start using it all the time just because it feels that good.

But - but - I tried something else with the stone root that I can't recommend, of course, but I didn't think it would do me any harm. I put 4-5 drops on a damp cotton ball and used that as you would witch hazel, and I'm telling you - miracle.

But beware, the tincture has a good amount of alcohol in it and if you have any sensitive areas, it will sting like a bastard, but that's how you know it's working.

Really, I didn't care about the sting. I just wanted to speed up the process and I'm convinced it did. Shit, if I'm drinking it, what harm can it do to my ass? In just a few days' time, it totally cured my problem. I'll keep using it for maintenance and hope this never happens again.

So, with your stone root, take your horse chestnut and butcher's broom (I took a double dose) - you can find both in one capsule from Planetary Herbals - I'm sure there are other, similar products - and get your fiber & water.

I also increased my vitamin C to 4 grams daily, as C is the foundation of all our connective tissue & speeds healing.

Vitamin A is supposed to be beneficial for vein health, so I concocted a vegetable fruit smoothie with lots of fiber & colon-happy stuff. Such as...

- the juice of 3-4 carrots or enough to make 1/2-1 cup juice

- 1/4-1/2 cup of the fine carrot fiber from the juicer bin

- 1 medium (or two small) apples, peels included, cored, diced

- 1 banana (for texture, vitamins/minerals)

- 1 scoop Organic Frog Greens Today or a 2-3 cups fresh greens

- 1 cup crushed ice

- 2-3 Tbs ground flax seed

- 1-2 Tbs honey

and if you want it, a scoop of protein powder (I use brown rice as I don't like soy & am allergic to dairy/whey.)

Blend the crap outta that for a few minutes then enjoy slowly. It's a meal in a glass, not a quaff. It'll take you some time to get through it, but it's worth it. And it's not so high-fiber that you'll be cramping in an hour - it's mellow

But if you're not used to high-fiber meals, leave out the flax seed and the carrot pulp at first - add those in gradually over time. Keep the apple peels though - lots of good stuff in those.

Finally, if you can, get yourself a standing desk so you're not sitting all day long - that's no good anyway, especially for your ass. And do your Kegels - helps keep all those muscles down there toned, and you can do them anywhere, any time.

I never thought I'd have such a problem, being fairly active, never sitting still for long, eating as healthy as I do (the occasional doughnut aside) and being as regular as Old Faithful. Just goes to show you, you never really know what's going on in your butt.

Driving to Canada Hurts

Holy jesus am I tired. Getting to Canada has been a marathon on top of a triathlon on top of a decathlon while wearing ice skates and a lead suit.

We did the drive in two days, stopping in Oregon for a couple of nights to let the kids (and me) enjoy a crate-free day. It'd have been better to spend a week between legs of the trip - the second one almost killed me.

We left Bend at 9:15am and didn't get to Port Coquitlam until almost 11pm. The entire goddamn state of Washington had endless, bumper-to-bumper traffic, without any reason. No accidents, no fifty-car pileups, just a bunch of slow Sunday-driving turds flushed onto the roadways all at the same time.

Then we got to the border. For over an hour we crawled slowly toward the checkpoint where we expected the car to be thoroughly inspected and all our paperwork closely examined. Not so much.

At the first checkpoint we were waived through without a glance from the burly dude in black kevlar. At the second checkpoint, a lovely recent high school graduate politely asked us if we had any firearms, gifts for Canadians or more than $10K in cash with us. She never looked past our passports or asked about pets, booze, drugs or plants/vegetables.

Once past her checkpoint, we had to go inside so I could get a visa/work permit/visitor permit - I'm not sure which one I'm supposed to have and they don't seem to know either, but after a relaxing 20-minute wait, I got a pretty piece of official paper stapled into my passport and we were on our way.

We tried to sleep that night, but the cats were wigged out, meowling through the house as if to ask Where the hell is our shit? Where the hell are we? Why the hell did you hold us captive in that car for over 13 hours?

Overall, it was a day I'd never ever like to repeat. Not until they build a bridge over the state of Washington so I never have to sit through that bullshit again.

Not the Only Flame in Town

I know this will sound mean, but I loved how Gavin & Co. tricked the tricksters and left a crowd of lemmings in the lurch at Justin Herman Plaza.

Not that I begrudge anyone wanting to enjoy a historical event / protest / demonstration / sore feet, but did they actually think they'd be able to get anywhere near it after what went on in London and Paris?

Gavin said many times that the route would likely change at any time, so that seems like even more reason to not to count on seeing it.

I watched the coverage on live TV - loved the aerial tour of SF - and when word got out at the Plaza that the ceremony was canceled, a few people interviewed whined about how they'd been there for 9 hours waiting to see the torch.

Nine hours. Nine. Hours. One woman complained that she'd come into the city with her family and now they were going to go home. ??? You can't think of anything else to do in the city with your family?

First, you're with your whole family - that seems like a nice thing. Second, so what if you didn't get to see the torch - go have dinner somewhere. Walk around the Embarcadero. Go shopping at the Ferry Building. Take Bart to Union Square or go see a movie! What a lame ass!

Another woman said she "deserved" to see the torch because she'd waited all day. No one told Heather Fong about this chosen woman at the Plaza. I'm sure had she known, she'd have stuck with the original course.

All the disappointed folks can thank the idiots who thought it was a good idea to lie down in front of a bus. Oh, and you can also thank the city supervisor who thought it was a good idea to LEAD some protesters directly into the route - nice work, asshole.

The protesting is stupid. There's no excuse for what's going on in Tibet, but we're the last country to be telling anyone else how to treat other countries. And stunts that stop traffic or shut down city streets really just piss everyone off and make them totally unsympathetic to your cause.

Want to make a statement? Don't buy or use anything that comes from China. Don't buy China-made clutter peddled at Walfart and other stores. Though that's pocket change compared to the billions they have invested in US companies.

If you're serious, boycott companies with Chinese investment. Barrage your elected officials with letters and emails. Organize peaceful, non-disruptive events to get the word out. Don't ruin events meant to celebrate international competition between athletes who might only get that chance once in a lifetime.

And if you're in the city on a beautiful day, don't complain.

Sadful

Got home from work today and felt totally empty and depressed, like someone had died. With Cameron, Jeff, Julie, Shauna and now Christina gone and Miriam transitioning out of the group, I realized there will be no one left to hand things down to.

A few people have come & gone in the past couple of years, but there has always been an intact group to carry on. All the institutional knowledge and folklore that isn't documented anywhere is passed on so the group can successfully continue in its role.

And toys - "inherited" silly toys, pictures and trinkets decorate the area - little mementos to remind us of former teammates. Like Michael's Grand Marshall name plate and the picture of our mascot, Bob. Pictures of Lewis on a surf trip. Julie's play-doh sea monster sculpture. Jeff's checkered table cloth desk. It will all be left behind and no one will remember our names or what we did.

It won't be long before we're all gone. For the first time since the group was started five years ago, the department will cease to exist. Decimated. At a company with plenty of ongoing revenue and resources.

And it was confirmed this week that the reason for the re-org was to motivate one person to leave. Instead of dealing with the issue directly, an entire group was treated like furniture and moved around without any regard for who we are, what we do, and how the group needs to function to be successful.

One stupid move destroyed a highly-productive, valuable group. Will those responsible ever stand up and admit their mistake? Not likely. They act like it was just a natural cycle of some sort. What a huge disappointment.

Ass End of April

Sure am happy May is here - April sucked.

A couple of weeks ago David was suddenly "reassigned" at his job without any warning or rationale, after five years of stellar performance and constant, consistent high praise.

The reason they first gave was that a few deliverables weren't on target. Deliverables he had no clear requirements for, nor any feedback to guide the direction, despite repeated requests for requirements and reviews.

The second reason had something to do with supervisory style, yet, he was not a supervisor. What's next - he was coming in too early and staying a little too late? What's the actual story kids?

I think what a friend said might be true, that it's becoming more common to work in companies run by people who have no clue how to run a successful business.

And without any time to process all this crap, his grandfather passed - not unexpectedly, though still sad - and he had to jump on a plane back east.

Today I went to move his car into the driveway and it didn't turn over. He left his parking lamps on for, I'm guessing, three days. I jumped it and drove it around for 45 minutes, but I'm not sure it'll be enough. He might light it on fire if it's still dead when he gets home.

And now I think Neo is depressed, missing his dad - I'm hoping that's all it is. He wasn't interested in his dinner, but to be fair, I didn't give them wet food tonight, which to Neo is what makes the sun come up every day. He seemed to perk up when I put his dad on speaker phone later on.

As my dad said, you never know when something might jump up & bite you.