Resolution Recap

Even though I was done with my New Year's resolution on January 21st, I thought I'd officially sum up the experience. All in all - meh.

To be honest, it was sort of a sandbag resolution. Except for the holiday cookie binge I stupidly took part in just before the New Year, I don't eat that much sugar on a daily basis.

Sure, I worship at the House of Pancakes, Doughnuts, Scones & Cookies, but I don't take communion but once in a great while. I rarely drink and I've been gradually decaffeinating myself for months, just to break the morning grogginess cycle.

The idea was to see what it might be like to avoid these things all at the same time, for some length of time and see if it made any difference in my energy, auras, chakras, gravity or gas mileage.

I did feel some nasty depression early on & had a few minor headaches. I think that was purely from the sugar detox after the holiday cookie binge. That passed and hasn't happened again since. So, that was educational... If you eat your weight in biscotti & chocolate chip cookies every day for a week and then quit cold turkey, you might experience some "withdrawals."

Toward the end of the month, I didn't feel any marked difference. Maybe more irritated, in general, and that's not what you want. I'm not sure I can recommend it unless you're really a sugar-booze-caffeine-aholic and need to give your system a break. Everything in moderation - even moderation.

Cheater

Something happened yesterday. I'm not proud of it. I also can't explain how it happened. OK, maybe I can explain it a little, but most of it is still a total mystery.

We took a day trip yesterday, the first sunny day in four hundred years, and I may have been drunk on sunlight and didn't know it.

Rather than waste any time getting on our way, we stopped at Peet's for breakfast. I had a Kashi bar in my purse and it's still there, under my wallet, sunscreen, Orbit gum and a tampon.

I had a delicious almond croissant with my Peet's half & half. Whatever - what's a little frangipane going to hurt? Put it with all the butter in the croissant - what insulin? Plus, it felt like Christmas my birthday and the last day of school all in one - the sun was finally out! PARTY!

We continued on our way to the Marin Headlands to explore & hike around. Spent three or four hours goofing off by the bridge, the abandoned military installations and the beach, then made our way to San Anselmo for lunch.

I *wanted* pancakes and waffles but I *got* the turkey burger. I didn't even eat my fries. Then we left Bubba's and David said he'd really wanted a shake and wished he'd gotten one.


On the way home we passed a shopping center that had a Ben & Jerry's in it. I pulled over so he could get a fix. We cruised through the parking lot and a new store caught my eye. I said I would like to have a look in that store and see what's what.

This is where it gets blurry. I may have gone into said store and immediately joined the excited, jubilant line of eager customers waiting to spy the goods on display in the brightly lit case. I may have been asked what I would like and I might have asked for two cupcakes to go while wiping drool off my face.

It all happened so fast. It's like I wasn't there, but someone told me about it later with such detail that it feels like I was there.

We got into the car, David with a brownie and me with a beautiful little box of treasures. I put down the box and said to David, "I just bought SUGAR!" WTF?

Once home, we cut them up to share and POOF - gone. Just like that. Resolution totally annihilated. I made it 21 days without sugar, caffeine or booze. I'm still off the booze, but now that just seems silly.

But, and this is a very good but - this morning David said he's giving up coke zero. After years of trying to get him to just take a break from it, he's decided to give it up.

So, in honor of that, I'm going back to my no sugar (or almost none) plan, but I will have the occasional fully-leaded coffee and by the end of the month I'll go back to my one-drink-a-week benders.

You gotta live, right?


p.s. the mocha was *amazing* - the double chocolate, meh... next time... red velvet.

Effing S.A.D.

she's so happy she's going to eat the whole bowl of fruit!

I used to think it was funny that someone came up with "Seasonal Affective Disorder" to make "sad" sound less pathetic and more like an actual, clinical diagnosis, but I'm not laughing now.

That shit is real, and now I blame Canada for making it especially bad. Fucking Canada. I also picked the wrong month to stop eating doughnuts.

If I could open a vein and shove a dozen doughnuts in there along with a pot of coffee, I would do it. I have a Cuisinart.

At first I thought it was just the lack of sugar and my serotonin levels were all frakked up. Then I thought it was my ever-volatile hormones pickling my brain. Now I'm pretty sure it's just winter - that shitty, shitty bitch.

Living in the Bay Area, we usually don't get much "winter." We might get a few storms that can knock a bird turd off the hood of my car, but that's about it.

Supposedly there's an El Niño this year - that's Spanish for "THE Niño" - and "the storm door is open," so we just had a shit ton of storms come through, one after the other for about a week. It seems like it's been much longer.

I love the rain, especially a fierce storm with thunder and lightning. What I don't love is having to turn on all the lights in the house at 10am.

The depression kicked in again this week - just enough to kill any shred of motivation I might have had to be productive in some way, but not so much that I couldn't eventually find a way to put on pants and drag my ass to the store, which I did today only because the cats were out of food and YOU DO NOT RUN OUT OF CAT FOOD if you want to keep the skin on your face.

Now I understand the desire to take a pill - any pill - if it might bring relief from the endless inertia and apathy.

Rather than take a pill, I went to a trusted remedy - caffeine and sugar. That's right - I broke my resolution and had fully-leaded Peet's coffee and a granola bar with cane juice and chocolate. I had to. I couldn't wear that fleece robe one minute longer and watch any more bad TV. After a while it's no longer comforting, it's just lame.

I tried just the caffeine first, trying to avoid the stronger drug - sugar. After some Peet's half caf I didn't feel any different, but the delicious flavor made the drive to Pet Club a little less boring.

By the time I got to Trader Joe's I was feeling a little better, but bought the chocolate-coated chewy granola bars anyway. Popped one of those with the last of the coffee and sure as shit, I'm feeling fine now.

Some of you might be thinking, Oh Nootsie, you should have just laced up your trainers and gone out for a run, and to that I say go run yourself into an oncoming train.

When I was *sooper* depressed a couple of weeks ago and posted something about it on Facebook, someone said I should "do some cardio! it totally helps!" You can shove your cardio in your ass.

If you've ever been depressed, you don't just "do some cardio!" Depression precludes doing just about anything. And the shit running through your head keeps you heading farther down the rabbit hole - it's like a virus that replicates faster than you can try to kill it.

Thankfully, mine only gets so bad and I know it's temporary and I know it'll pass and I know I can still function if I have to and I know if I really need to, a little caffeine and carbs can help, but it doesn't make it any easier when I'm in that hole.

Maybe I'll break down and buy that incredibly ugly lamp for SADful people, then bask in its glow with a vat of Peet's and a case of Krispy Kremes until spring comes.

That Was Rough

Day 9 - feeling MUCH better. Got some exercise, good food, lots of sleep and quality time with David. I knew the sadfulness would pass, but it was a long, dreary week. It's felt like a month, really.

It hasn't been difficult to avoid sugar & caffeine (and booze), that's actually been easy. The depressed mood wasn't easy, but it makes sense.

Remember the super low-fat, high-carb diets of the 80s? I ate like that for years, especially being a runner - it's drilled into your head to avoid fat & load up on bagels, pasta, bread, etc.

It's a reasonable assumption that eating like that for many years can alter how your body produces & uses serotonin. At any rate, now that I've cut all that out, shit's been wonky but seems to be settling into a new rhythm.

The sugar cravings are gone - totally gone. This afternoon I stopped at Peet's for a cup of decaf and didn't gaze longingly into the pastry case. I used to *love* snacking on citrus bread or a maple scone with my coffee - didn't even think of it.

Now it seems like I'm craving vegetables and "clean" food, even when it's cold and foggy out. Last year at this time I was eating my weight in steaks, pork chops and potatoes - couldn't get enough. Didn't touch a salad for months. Nothing green. Green does not help insulate you from the bone-chilling cold (and boredom) of a Canadian winter.

And now I seem to be dreaming a lot more - really vivid dreams. Actual nighttime sleepy type dreams, not the I want to find a billion dollars in my bank account type dreams, which, if you're listening Universe, get to it - make it happen.

Hope the good feeling continues. If so, I may stay off sugar forever.

Serotonin Free

It's Day 8 and I'm still off sugar, booze and caffeine. Although it's impossible to be totally caffeine-free unless I give up decaf coffee, which I'm not going to do, so you can blow me.

It's been that sort of week. I thought it was PMS, which I want to think is mostly to blame, but now I'm DMS and usually by this point the mood issues are long gone.

Today was difficult. If we didn't have TV, I'd have spent the whole day staring at the wall. I did that once years ago when I lived in the Western Addition in a haunted house and my car got totaled and I couldn't quickly get the heck outta town. That wasn't a good time.

It hasn't gotten that bad, but today was the most depressed I've felt in a long time. I didn't think I ate that much sugar every day, but I definitely went on a bender during the holidays.

Way too many biscotti, chocolate chip cookies of all sorts, lemon tarts, pumpkin pies, and some dastardly petit fours from Trader Joe's in ridiculously delicious deep chocolate flavors.

I was bingeing like a drug addict right before checking into rehab. I wondered if I might be making a big mistake by doing that.

I'd started the decaf process in mid-December - I knew how painful cold turkey would be - but now I think I'm really starting to feel it. I'm getting that withdrawal headache in the afternoons and yawning. A LOT.

Thankfully the headache is mild, nothing like the cold-turkey variety that makes you want to saw your head off with a Leatherman and pour hot coffee into your skull.

The one bright spot is losing 2 lbs without even trying. That helps make some of the sadfulness worth it. If that keeps up, I'll gladly watch more bad TV while crumpled on the couch crying softly into my blankie.

Almost Done

It's almost 2010, or as lots of lazy people are saying, "twenty ten!" Is "two thousand ten" so hard? Wait, I need a minute. That tired me out a little. I do like Stephen Colbert's "oh ten!" so I maybe I'll go with that.

So it's almost O-Ten! Resolutions? Actually, this year I have a few. I had one last year but it seemed pretty redundant.

Last year I copied a friend's resolution to Say Yes To Adventure, but I'd already been doing that. It resulted in a fun new job I had no experience for and a move to Canada because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The rest of O-Nine was a constant Yes To Adventure - new restaurants, new foods, new routines, new activities, new sports, new road trips, new, new, new, new, new. That got old after a while. I don't think I need any help in saying Yes to New.

This year I'm getting back to basics while also trying a few New Things, all nutrition-related. First and foremost, for the month of January at least I will Say No To Sugar, Booze and Caffeine. I've never done this before, ever.

I've gone stone cold decaf twice before - some of the worst few days of my life until the withdrawals passed. But it was worth it - the sustained energy level throughout the day was a welcome change. I've been a caffeine junkie since I was a tweener, which is why I'm only 5'4". Kids, it's true - stay off the coffee until you're at least 18 years old.

The last time I went totally decaf I stayed "clean" for many years until a trip to Portugal. Oh dear god that coffee - that coffee is some of the best I've ever had. I opened a vein and let it jump right in and take me away to that blissful, chipper, caffeinated cloud far above the dull, sleepy sidewalks.

But now, so many years later, having been caffeinated for so long, my receptors are crusty & corroded. Just getting older is wreaking havoc with my energy levels, in that I almost never have as much as I'd like. Enter, the sugar problem...

Gotta Say No to Sugar. No more cookies, doughnuts, Peet's citrus bread & maple scones or coconut milk ice cream & chocolate sauce [sobbing]. Tastes so good, but hurts so bad. Stayed away from sugar for years, but got lazy and BLAM - sugar addict.

Finally, no booze... just for a month. Just for a thorough 30-day detox. Since we go out only one night a week, that's only four nights I'll cry quietly into a glass of water.

The only other New Thing I'm going to try in O-Ten is juicing. Been wanting to be a Juicer for a long time - non booze juicer - and I'm kind of excited to give it a try. Though it's going to be hard to not turn it into a coconut-tequila milkshake maker. We'll see how it goes.

I'll blog about my progress and I'll warn you now, it may be a rough few days at first, especially since in the past 24 hours I've consumed at least 10 very large cookies and there are a LOT more still sitting in my kitchen. If you're nearby, please come get them. Please.

New Thing for February

...um... Medina's Coffee & Waffles is all I got. But new restaurants are easy. Especially restaurants serving coffee & waffles. I could eat that in my sleep. Sometimes I do.

There was one other thing - I tried walking two unruly great danes. I wanted to enjoy it, but it turned out to be a pain in the ass. Literally.

The younger dog, still sporting his danglies, needs a lot of work. When another dog ran up behind us on the trail, he flipped out and charged toward the dog, slamming me backwards down onto the trail. Like a dumbass, I tried to keep hold of him.

The other dane, a very sweet girl, took the biggest crap I've ever seen from a dog. Being a cold day, it was actually steaming. A giant, steaming crap just like you might see in a Ren & Stimpy cartoon. It was amazing. Trying to pick that thing up in a plastic bag without barfing was a real challenge. I was tempted to leave it on the trail, but it was so huge it would have spooked a horse.

I don't think I'll be walking them again. I mean, I could, and over time I know it would get better, but - call me chicken - I don't want to get caught up in some nasty situation should Mr. Danglies charge a dog and create a problem. But I said Yes and gave it the old college try.

BTW, who in his right mind doesn't spay/neuter a dog? Redonkulous.

New Thing for January

In keeping with the New Year's resolution I "stole" from Miriam, to do something new every month and "say yes to adventure," we have the New Thing for January. I know you've all been anxious to hear about it.

It was tough to decide upon the New Thing, wanting it to be something great and amazing and so incredibly New and exciting that it would blow my mind and impress all my friends to no end.

As usual, the New Thing was an unplanned accident. But it happened just in time before the month was up. There were many New Things, actually. Ready? Here we go!

#1 Tried a New restaurant. David got food poisoning. That's an adventure, isn't it!? You *never* see that coming - a true surprise. Very cool. I emailed the restaurant to let them know we had a lovely time but the excruciating abdominal cramps that came later were kind-of a drag. They felt so bad they sent us gift certificates to come back and give them another chance. We'll just have the wine, thanks.

#2 Snowshoeing. Super Crafty and G Money came for a visit and we went snowshoeing. It was fun to be able to get into back country you just can't easily access without the snowshoes. A good workout, too, especially when running.

#3 Tried three other New restaurants. The Yaletown Brewing Company - great beer (as you might expect) - the best amber brew I've had since moving here; Granville Island Brewing Company - also good beer and fun snacks; and the Lamplighter - great atmosphere and tasty fish & chips.

#4 Visited the West Side and UBC, along with Wreck Beach - a clothing optional beach where one can also opt to purchase hash cookies from a nice lady with a cooler. We declined, but it's nice to know she's there. She was clothed, as were we. It was 35 degrees with a refreshing on-shore wind chill.

#5 Had the best cup of coffee since moving here at Cuppa Joe in Kitsilano. Great espresso AND drip coffee - twice as nice. I had way too much and was wide awake until the wee hours of the next morning.

#6 Made sauerkraut. Had to call my mom for tips, but it came out pretty good. I think I even like it now.

#7 Started watching The Dog Whisperer. I LOVE this show. If we didn't already have three cats and a parrot, I would be adopting dozens of dogs.

#8 Learned how to use a new CMS - that's Content Management System for the non geeks. It was fun to be all content managey again.

#9 Tried Take 5's coffee and was not at all impressed. Take 10, take 20, take however long you need to make it right.

#10 Tried Crest's Pro-Health toothpaste (thanks, Costco). Blech. Their Clean Night Mint product is "formulated with a unique nighttime flavour." ??? What is "nighttime flavor?" I don't know what that is, but I know it creates a terrific saliva film that could be the best non-hormonal birth control ever invented. Because I had to buy four tubes of it, I'll keep using it, but I won't like it.

I hope February ends up to be just as exciting as January! YES!

A New Year

Resolutions? No. Don't believe in 'em. But Sweet Mir says I should steal her resolution and do something new every month and "say yes to adventure."

I asked if we could prorate all the new things I did throughout 2008, things I could have said No to but didn't. She said No. Isn't that contrary to the spirit of the resolution?

Things I said Yes to in 2008:

• The biggest & most obvious - moving to Vancouver, and all the new things I've said Yes to since arriving.
• Learning to snowboard. I didn't really want to, but thought Why Not. It's kinda fun. Probably more fun with a group of friends : (
• Driving in the snow. Really fun.
• Driving from PoCo to Alameda in one day. Driving back in one day. Crazy, but kinda fun.
• Stopping in Portland on the way to Alameda to finally taste the famed bacon maple bar at Voodoo Doughnut. More than worth the detour. Can't wait to go back.
  
• Making the portrait of our new Poet Laureate. (I could have chickened out on that but said YES! and I'm so glad I did - thanks again Temple of All Knowledge Agent.)
  
• Hiking around the back country in Healdsburg where I saw a wild pig skull and sunburned my eyeballs. Good times. I could have turned down that job when the agent said, "It's a 'short' hike to the property." They're always lying when they say things like that.
  
• Getting together with former coworkers I hadn't seen in 13 years. Weird at first, then very fun.
  
• Being a model for a stock photography photoshoot. You might see me in a brochure in your doctor's office someday, hopefully for something other than STDs or the adverse affects of menopause.
  
• Encouraging David to work in the UK for four months. Difficult, but a great adventure for him and I lost 20 pounds while he was gone.
• Running the Wharf to Wharf. Not a big deal if you're in shape. I neglected to prepare and have Sweet Mir to thank for coaching me through it - one of the best days, ever.
  
• Taking a job as a real estate photographer. Had zero experience but thought What the Heck. Turns out I didn't suck at it.
  
• Agreeing to schedule four shoots in one day in 100+ degree weather. Amazing.
  
• Purging a house-full of crap through Craigslist, Goodwill dropoffs and a garage sale. May not seem like something you have to say Yes to, but it is. You have to decide all that crap has got to go, especially when your family has been collecting it for a hundred years. The best part, I met neighbors during the garage sale I'd never met before (wonderful people who were all hiding while Bob still lived in town) and Craig Merrell, a fantastic Alameda photographer. I was even more sad to be leaving town after meeting all those great people.
  
• Writing a little book. Just a wee one. It's almost done. Can't wait to start another one.
  

Things I said No to in 2008:

• Shooting a vacant lot at dawn (or dusk). It's a vacant lot. Full of weeds. No view on any side of it. No amount of creative lighting will change any of those facts. Suck it - you get full-on midday sun. Really.
• That's all I could think of.

It's not that I don't think I can keep such a resolution, I'm just kinda worn out from all the Yeses of 2008. I'm ready for some boredom. Just a little.

But for Mir, I'll make a concerted effort to not slack off. But no matter what, there will be no skydiving or eating weird stuff.

Shmesolutions

Not really into the resolution thing. It's silly to pick just one day to change your life or decide to floss more.

If you want to do it, do it now - who cares what day it is? And who said January 1st is the start of a new year? Technically, wouldn't it be the day after your birthday?

Last fall I resolved to stop stressing about little things, taking solace in the belief that everything always works out, so just let it go.

Lo and behold, it's held true. Whatever it is, it works out. For example - I bought a computer armoire off Craigslist from a lovely woman and while it's a great piece, I thought it might be a tad irresponsible to part with a chunk of cash when my cash flow is so sporadic.

But I rationalized that #1, I needed it if I wanted to transform what was a shit pile of a room into a comfortable, functional office; #2, she would put the money to good use with twins on the way and her husband looking for work; and #3, it's recycling/reusing instead of buying new, which is always a good thing.

About a month later while cleaning out my office, I found a small stack of papers/magazines and in it, an expense check from my last job I'd obviously lost track of - and it was for the same amount as I'd just paid for the armoire. Even Steven.

And I have resolved that 2008 will be the year I see a dentist. It's only been 6 or 7 years since I last sat in one of those torture racks, but since we still don't have the Do It Yourself Filling Replacement Kit, it's time to put on my big girl panties and find a Dr. Scrivello. With enough Valium, I know I can get through it, though I probably won't remember getting home from it.