Assline Travel

What a treat – flying the wide open skies to destinations hither and yon – I don’t know why I don’t do more of it.

I got to the airport on Tuesday to check in and was told by an enthusiastic “line minder” that I could use any of the available kiosks in front of the check in counter.

While I normally do online check-in or kiosk check-in, this time I had a bag I needed to check (check check Czech) so I wanted a human to do the checking and bag-tagging to ensure the bag would actually have a chance of making it onto the plane.

Last time I checked (check!), I didn't have one of those electronic tag printers nor do I have access to the magic conveyor belt that takes bags through the wall and drops them onto the tarmac.

So, I stood there and waited for the one human at the counter – of 40 or 50 available desks – to check me in and take my bag.

The Line Minder, perhaps bored of telling people they could use the kiosks, said she’d help me and walked me over to the desk. She looked up my flight, found the record number that wasn't available online, checked me in and printed a tag.

The only other human behind the desk picked up the bag tag and absent-mindedly said my name over the desk. I responded that it was mine and she put it on my bag and didn’t say another word.

Was I done? Anything else I need? Do you have everything *you* need? Is that it? I guess we're done. I had my boarding pass and right there in big numbers, the time of my flight – a full hour later than scheduled.

There was no one to ask WTF. Why is my flight now one full hour later than scheduled? Why couldn’t you find this information online where I spent a good 30 minutes trying to look up the flight and check in ahead of schedule?

(To fill the time until boarding, I booted up my computer, and golly - no free wireless at SFO. How is that possible? Of all the airports in the country, how is it that our very own SFO still does not offer free wireless? Gavin, you should be ashamed.)

Why is there NO ONE working where human help is actually important, like at the gate desk, while you have FIVE useless sacks of shite hanging around behind the gate sitting in the airline wheelchairs talking on their cell phones? What are these idiots on the payroll for?

Why am I going to have to schlep my own food and drink on the plane when you could let go of all the dead wood and once again pass out free snacks and sodas? A "turkey wrap" will cost you $5, trail mix, potato chips or a cookie - one cookie - costs $3. What nickel & diming BASTARDS.

I’m amazed that anyone ever flies these airlines anymore when the little guys like JetBlue, Alaska and Southwest have figured out how to at least be more efficient about it, and most of the time it's not a hassle.

I can’t wait for the return flight that will have me seated in cargo taking off four days behind schedule.