Ads That Fail

A minor thing, but it's irritating the sh*t out of me. I present the following:

The Wells Fargo billboards with the copy, "With you when you have questions." The words they chose to underline? "With you when" Wouldn't the better emphasis be "With you"? We're with you. Regardless. All the time. Always. With you when? I'm not sure - when? Where? Lame.

Next, Kaiser Permanente's billboard promoting fitness/getting outdoors, a nice photo of a trail in the woods with the copy: "Do tread on me" The word they emphasized? - "tread." Not "do," but "tread." Why not "Do tread on me"? Do it! Get off the couch and do it! Or just leave out "do" and make it "Tread on me." Lame.

Then there's the homegrown cable TV ad for a channel that provides info about local road trips. It's a computer animated piece that shows a road winding through a barren landscape, nothing on either side of it, and the road ends at a cartoony sign with the channel info.

So, not only is the "road trip" ad showing you absolutely nothing that might sell you on the idea of a road trip, let alone the idea of tuning into the channel for road trip info, the road DEAD ENDS in that barren landscape. Not at a lovely destination of some sort - beach, amusement park, vista point, mountain lodge or similar - just a barren, empty, wasteland of lame public access cable TV. FAIL.

Finally, the latest BMW ad showing a dufus holding an unlit light bulb in the dark. He's talking about how Americans are so responsible or something, but the bulb is UNLIT and he's standing IN THE DARK.

Not sure what a light bulb has to do with being responsible, except that it is a compact fluorescent bulb he's holding... But wouldn't it have been much more effective, nay, clever, to have the dufus hold a LIT light bulb? Wouldn't that be much more engaging, visually? Hello! Television!

Then, as he's talking about how BMW is committed to helping to lower emissions - I guess they're trying to be environmentally responsible - the room lights up with a million ginormous bulbs that are not CFLs. HILarious. FAIL.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Even Jesus Should Call First

Just after I got out of the shower this morning someone knocked at the door. I could see the silhouette of a tallish-looking guy and thought it might be a deliveryman of some sort. Sure, cue the porn music. Chicka bow chicka bow wowww...

I cracked open the door to what looked like a TV detective – an older, tall black man in a trench coat – and of course my first thought was that he was here to ask me questions about someone I know about some alleged crime.

Nope. I was being invited to celebrate the birth of Christ. I said a hearty NO THANKS! standing there in my bathrobe with my hair wrapped up in a towel. Does this look like a good time to hand me an invitation? He and his friends immediately got the hint and wandered down the porch, leaving the screen door wide open.

They lingered half-way down the steps, chatting about something, when I yelled through the window, JESUS CHRIST, CLOSE THE DOOR! They closed the door and lingered no longer.

What kind of self-proclaimed Christian shows up unannounced and when he sees the woman of the house is obviously not prepared to talk about a party for Jesus, starts in on his unwelcome message anyway, then leaves the property without closing the damn door behind him? That tells you right there he's full of shit.

Dumbino

Holy crap - "Domino" is one of the worst movies ever ever made.

It's not bad enough to be good - it's just stinky stanky. I don't know why I kept watching it. Damn you HBO and your no commercials.

I guess I had to see for myself where it could possibly be going, thinking it might start making sense. At one point someone mentioned something about a ferret on meth - I think that was the writer. None of it made any sense and Keira tried so hard to be cool it was painful.

Otherwise, it was chock full of capable talent. Christopher Walken, Jacqueline Bissett, Delroy Lindo, Dabney Coleman, Lucy Liu, Tom Waits, and some bit players who did a good job. It could have been smart & funny if the director hadn't tried to make it a coolness contest.

Oh, and the worst thing - the ending was a total bite on True Romance (which was probably bitten from another movie). Did Tony think we wouldn't notice he used the same ending he'd shot before? Lame.

But in other news, my cold/flu/coughing phlegm-fest is on its way out, thanks to a truckload of vitamin C. Oh, and I fucking hate the 4th of July and the fucking idiots who light off noisy fireworks at 10 o'fucking clock at night.

It wasn't some kid, it was the kid's stupid father who should know better, setting off firecrackers, high-pitched whistling shit and other exploding crap. And why isn't the kid in bed already? Man, I'm totally on the fast track to shouting at people from the front porch to get the hell out of my yard.

Sadful

Got home from work today and felt totally empty and depressed, like someone had died. With Cameron, Jeff, Julie, Shauna and now Christina gone and Miriam transitioning out of the group, I realized there will be no one left to hand things down to.

A few people have come & gone in the past couple of years, but there has always been an intact group to carry on. All the institutional knowledge and folklore that isn't documented anywhere is passed on so the group can successfully continue in its role.

And toys - "inherited" silly toys, pictures and trinkets decorate the area - little mementos to remind us of former teammates. Like Michael's Grand Marshall name plate and the picture of our mascot, Bob. Pictures of Lewis on a surf trip. Julie's play-doh sea monster sculpture. Jeff's checkered table cloth desk. It will all be left behind and no one will remember our names or what we did.

It won't be long before we're all gone. For the first time since the group was started five years ago, the department will cease to exist. Decimated. At a company with plenty of ongoing revenue and resources.

And it was confirmed this week that the reason for the re-org was to motivate one person to leave. Instead of dealing with the issue directly, an entire group was treated like furniture and moved around without any regard for who we are, what we do, and how the group needs to function to be successful.

One stupid move destroyed a highly-productive, valuable group. Will those responsible ever stand up and admit their mistake? Not likely. They act like it was just a natural cycle of some sort. What a huge disappointment.

Holy Plastic Zippers, Batman!

We're saved!

Where is S.C. Johnson's Nobel Prize? Do they realize they've single-handedly saved the world from terrorism with their little one quart zip lock bags?

I felt so secure on my flight knowing no one on board had more than a quart bag's worth of liquids, gels, or pastes - except those with less-than-perfect eyesight traveling with contact lens fluids and mothers with infants traveling with formula.

At one airport the agent never checked my rollaboard and instead gave my backpack the equivalent of a strip search.

At another airport they went through both bags and explained the contact lens solution didn't have to be in the one-quart bag, but it still had to be taken out so they could "see it." Um, Betty, I have something you can see if you want to see something.

So here's my new policy. If you're traveling by plane, fuck the luggage and don't worry about getting dressed. Wear your robe and slippers and throw all your shit into a clear plastic trash bag. You're wasting your time neatly packing your things into a tidy suitcase.

And those nice clothes you like to travel in? Don't bother. You'll have to take off your belt, your watch, your hair clips, your shoes, and possibly your bra if it's providing weapons-grade support. Why waste all that time? Robe & flip flops.

You'll get through security in a flash and won't have to worry about getting dressed all over again or repacking your shit in a frenzied rush to get out of the way and off to your gate.