I'm OK You're OK

OK?

Paraphrasing something I think Larry David said, every human interaction is rife with potential peril. I appreciate that sentiment now more than ever.

While I do my best to avoid drama, it happens. Sometimes it's for the best and shouldn't be avoided. Doesn't make it any easier. I wish it hadn't happened the way it did, but I can't change it now. I'm sure I could have handled things better, but I can only be myself and do the best I can.

It's been a very difficult week trying to understand what happened and how something that seemed fairly minor became a friendship-ending event. While I take full responsibility for my part in all of it, the other person is convinced that all the blame lies with me.

Switching places for a moment, I can understand the highly emotional reaction that makes me the antichrist, but to accept no responsibility? So much was said by both of us, that makes no sense whatsoever.

What's interesting about having a falling out with someone is what they might try to project onto you, showing you all the things they're really upset about with themselves. The other thing that's interesting is that no matter what you think you know about someone, you only see what they let you see. There's an ocean of shit you can never know until you get into a difficult spot and they reveal things that show you a totally different picture.

What's worse than losing a friend is realizing whatever friendship you thought you had wasn't strong enough to overcome a problem. I don't think you can call anyone a true friend until you've weathered some shit together and found a way to work through it.

It must have been a huge shock to realize I'm not all about cracking jokes and being silly. That's life. It's not all Happy Fun Ball all the time. Sometimes things get sticky and serious. I'm sure it was a crappy way to learn more about me and that sucks.

Overall, it's been a shitty couple of weeks but now it's behind me. Seems better to find out early if someone is too emotionally damaged to meet you halfway than lose a ton of time and energy trying to make the impossible work.

What I'm left with is the reminder to stay true to yourself in all things and no matter what anyone else says, trust yourself and your vision. Onward.

Miss Perceptions

I do it - everybody does it. You meet someone and think you get a sense for who that person is or what he/she is about.

Lately I've been made aware of perceptions others have of me. In some cases it's a result of a temporary, casual experience. In others, they've seen all sides, without filter, and they're still off base.

The former makes perfect sense, but the latter is puzzling. I'm guessing it comes down to seeing what you want to see or holding on to old ideas instead of being open to seeing the truth.

One example: I have a friend I've known for years - many, many years. He seems convinced that I only have a good time if I'm soused. Every time we get together he encourages me to drink and drink heavily. He wants me to take a cab so I can drain the bar without worry.

The funny thing about this - the few times we were out with friends many years ago, HE was the one in his cups almost every time. One night he was so blotto he couldn't support his own body weight - he was falling into his plate. We poured him into a cab, gave the cabbie $40 and sent him on his way and went back to finish dinner.

I keep telling him that I don't really enjoy drinking in that way. I have, but I was in college. These days I enjoy maintaining my composure and not puking in a dorm room sink. But in his mind, I'm not fun unless I'm drunk. How flattering!

Another example: Sometimes people assume I'm an idiot. Sometimes I am, but I try to keep that under wraps. I blame the boobs. When people see boobs, they don't see a brain. It certainly isn't in my shirt.

They give it away when they talk to me slowly and repeat things over and over again even after I've said "I understand" (repeatedly) and explain back to them what they just told me. I'm no rocket surgeon, but I can grasp basic concepts. I even know how to put on pants all by myself.

Then there's family. The parents who will forever see adult offspring as children. Seems like a universal issue. But sometimes that lens needs to come off. It's getting tiresome. I may not know who they are through and through either, but I don't act like I do and make assumptions that might make them feel like idiots. At least I try not to.

Do we ever really know anybody?

Cathartic Cleaning

Moving is usually just a pain in the ass, no more, no less. That's still true in this case, but this time it's different. It's been a cathartic purging of crap - actual crap and emotional baggage.

Yesterday I sorted through all the stuff I'd squirreled away in a cedar chest - things I thought I would always keep with me, like a paper trail of my existence or a time capsule for others to find after I leave this world. Old SAT scores and report cards, travel souvenirs, journals, stacks of newspaper clippings of momentous events and a few letters to/from friends.

What a surprise - most of that crap wasn't worth keeping. The program from the skating show at the Coliseum when I was 12! I MUST have it! It was fun to look through it and remember what I used to be so attached to, but a relief to throw it out and be free of the clutter.

Amid the papers, playbills and cards I found a few letters from a friend I lost touch with years ago. We had our ups and downs as any friendship does. Unfortunately I'd saved some letters written during the downs.

But reading those letters now, for the first time it became clear that the friendship I thought we had was mostly what I'd imagined it to be. I thought it had been much more than it actually was.

It's hard to lose a friend and even harder when it's not clear why it happened, but seeing the situation with the clarity of hindsight and time makes it easier to let it go. It was never what I thought it was, so I didn't really lose what I thought I did, if that makes any sense.

I still miss her and the connection we had, but it feels good to finally see things clearly and move past it in a new way. I kept only one letter, a funny one that made me laugh. I put the others through the shredder.

Thirteen Years

Last night I had dinner with friends I hadn't seen in ages. We all worked together thirteen years ago. A whole awkward adolescent child ago.

Funny what you can forget after thirteen years. I heard a story about attending a wedding that I don't remember - thankfully it wasn't mine. Allegedly, my ankles ended up somewhere around someone's neck on the ride home, but there's no definitive proof.

I do remember stumbling into a bar that night long after the reception, noticing that everyone turned to look at us. That's about it.

I've learned a lot since then. Like to keep pouring wine from my glass into the glass of someone sitting next to me so my ankles don't end up anywhere but above my feet.

Festivus Came Early

Last week I received the best Festivus gift ever - I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in about eight years.

We'd slowly lost touch after we found ourselves in challenging new jobs and exciting new relationships. Without noticing it, we became ensconced in our own bubbles and drifted apart. Then I moved a couple of times, she bought a house, and time quietly slipped away.

Fast forward several years and I happened to reconnect with a mutual friend of ours. He then sent an email to both of us and you could almost hear the squealing sounds of excitement only audible to dogs and bottlenose dolphins.

After numerous emails we set up a dinner date. I drove into the city and couldn't wait to get there. I was so excited to see her. As she opened the door and yelled "HELLO!" it was like no time had passed. We talked so much that my dinner got cold before I could eat it.

It's hard to describe the elation and joy that comes from reconnecting with a quality person who was a true friend. It was like finding a part of myself I didn't realize I'd lost, a part of me I loved and needed, now with me again.

I couldn't stop smiling the whole night. I think when good people fade out of your life for whatever reason, they do take a little piece of you with them, whether you realize it or not, and you might only realize it when they're back in your life.

It felt like the beginning of a whole new chapter of life, not just a new beginning for an old friendship.

Smitten

I received a letter in the mail today that scared me at first, then it made me smile so big and laugh - it's one of the best things ever. I was overwhelmed with joy.

It made me realize how lucky I was to work with these folks, even if too briefly, but even luckier to become friends with them. They're some of the smartest and funniest people I've ever met.

So, for all the whining and complaining you've seen in this space for the past 2 years, I apologize. I know I've complained a lot - about almost everything. I'm obviously a big baby and want everything to be perfect all the time. And for the most part, it has been, but I've kinda had my head up my butt. I think it's finally reversing course.

Thank you D and M - you made my day.