What Makes the Season Special

Is fighting with a giant fake tree - without that, Christmas just isn't Christmas.

Below follows a guest post courtesy of an email from my father. For context, my mother found a ginormous fake tree in a catalog and then found some sort of storage thingamagic for the giant fake tree in another catalog.

Also, she is the only person qualified to handle the ornaments, though she will occasionally deputize others only after many years of experience and proven success moving ornaments from the tree limb into its proper box.

Subject: Storing the Christmas Tree

You won't believe the issue of taking down the Christmas tree (OK, you probably will believe it).

As I reported earlier, I started to take down the ornaments on the tree, but of course, I was doing it all wrong, and was chastised for my precipitous actions, so I deferred.

After the tree was properly denuded, it was a simple task to break it down into its three sections for storage. But wait, there is a magic storage system that was obtained from the latest catalog that allows you to store your tree with out taking it down.

First, you get some wrenches and put together a rolling cart. After that is done, you unwrap a canvas storage unit that is a cross between a body bag and a straight jacket.

You unzip and unstrap all the straps, and then you try to pull it up over the 14 ft. tree. However, the bag is only about 8 ft. long, so you eventually have to remove the top one third of the tree and set it aside.

Then you pull, tug, stretch, and grovel with the body bag, sweating and straining, until you finally get it up over the tree. It has now been about two hours since this simple procedure was initiated. Now you are ready to move it to the garage.

Remember, even without the top portion, it still weighs about 150 lb. Well, of course when you roll it out the front door, it tumbles down the steps and you are unable to lift it, so you sort-of drag it like a dead body away from the front of the house, and somehow get it back upright so you can roll it into the garage, where it now stands as a huge phallic symbol to Christmas Past.

Following this ridiculous exercise, I decided that a double Manhattan was called for, and the admission that perhaps this latest catalog adventure was ill-advised. However, I doubt if the deluge of wonderful items will end soon. I am contemplating an airline flight to the Bay Area unless there is a change of attitude.