Cheater

Something happened yesterday. I'm not proud of it. I also can't explain how it happened. OK, maybe I can explain it a little, but most of it is still a total mystery.

We took a day trip yesterday, the first sunny day in four hundred years, and I may have been drunk on sunlight and didn't know it.

Rather than waste any time getting on our way, we stopped at Peet's for breakfast. I had a Kashi bar in my purse and it's still there, under my wallet, sunscreen, Orbit gum and a tampon.

I had a delicious almond croissant with my Peet's half & half. Whatever - what's a little frangipane going to hurt? Put it with all the butter in the croissant - what insulin? Plus, it felt like Christmas my birthday and the last day of school all in one - the sun was finally out! PARTY!

We continued on our way to the Marin Headlands to explore & hike around. Spent three or four hours goofing off by the bridge, the abandoned military installations and the beach, then made our way to San Anselmo for lunch.

I *wanted* pancakes and waffles but I *got* the turkey burger. I didn't even eat my fries. Then we left Bubba's and David said he'd really wanted a shake and wished he'd gotten one.


On the way home we passed a shopping center that had a Ben & Jerry's in it. I pulled over so he could get a fix. We cruised through the parking lot and a new store caught my eye. I said I would like to have a look in that store and see what's what.

This is where it gets blurry. I may have gone into said store and immediately joined the excited, jubilant line of eager customers waiting to spy the goods on display in the brightly lit case. I may have been asked what I would like and I might have asked for two cupcakes to go while wiping drool off my face.

It all happened so fast. It's like I wasn't there, but someone told me about it later with such detail that it feels like I was there.

We got into the car, David with a brownie and me with a beautiful little box of treasures. I put down the box and said to David, "I just bought SUGAR!" WTF?

Once home, we cut them up to share and POOF - gone. Just like that. Resolution totally annihilated. I made it 21 days without sugar, caffeine or booze. I'm still off the booze, but now that just seems silly.

But, and this is a very good but - this morning David said he's giving up coke zero. After years of trying to get him to just take a break from it, he's decided to give it up.

So, in honor of that, I'm going back to my no sugar (or almost none) plan, but I will have the occasional fully-leaded coffee and by the end of the month I'll go back to my one-drink-a-week benders.

You gotta live, right?


p.s. the mocha was *amazing* - the double chocolate, meh... next time... red velvet.

Effing S.A.D.

she's so happy she's going to eat the whole bowl of fruit!

I used to think it was funny that someone came up with "Seasonal Affective Disorder" to make "sad" sound less pathetic and more like an actual, clinical diagnosis, but I'm not laughing now.

That shit is real, and now I blame Canada for making it especially bad. Fucking Canada. I also picked the wrong month to stop eating doughnuts.

If I could open a vein and shove a dozen doughnuts in there along with a pot of coffee, I would do it. I have a Cuisinart.

At first I thought it was just the lack of sugar and my serotonin levels were all frakked up. Then I thought it was my ever-volatile hormones pickling my brain. Now I'm pretty sure it's just winter - that shitty, shitty bitch.

Living in the Bay Area, we usually don't get much "winter." We might get a few storms that can knock a bird turd off the hood of my car, but that's about it.

Supposedly there's an El Niño this year - that's Spanish for "THE Niño" - and "the storm door is open," so we just had a shit ton of storms come through, one after the other for about a week. It seems like it's been much longer.

I love the rain, especially a fierce storm with thunder and lightning. What I don't love is having to turn on all the lights in the house at 10am.

The depression kicked in again this week - just enough to kill any shred of motivation I might have had to be productive in some way, but not so much that I couldn't eventually find a way to put on pants and drag my ass to the store, which I did today only because the cats were out of food and YOU DO NOT RUN OUT OF CAT FOOD if you want to keep the skin on your face.

Now I understand the desire to take a pill - any pill - if it might bring relief from the endless inertia and apathy.

Rather than take a pill, I went to a trusted remedy - caffeine and sugar. That's right - I broke my resolution and had fully-leaded Peet's coffee and a granola bar with cane juice and chocolate. I had to. I couldn't wear that fleece robe one minute longer and watch any more bad TV. After a while it's no longer comforting, it's just lame.

I tried just the caffeine first, trying to avoid the stronger drug - sugar. After some Peet's half caf I didn't feel any different, but the delicious flavor made the drive to Pet Club a little less boring.

By the time I got to Trader Joe's I was feeling a little better, but bought the chocolate-coated chewy granola bars anyway. Popped one of those with the last of the coffee and sure as shit, I'm feeling fine now.

Some of you might be thinking, Oh Nootsie, you should have just laced up your trainers and gone out for a run, and to that I say go run yourself into an oncoming train.

When I was *sooper* depressed a couple of weeks ago and posted something about it on Facebook, someone said I should "do some cardio! it totally helps!" You can shove your cardio in your ass.

If you've ever been depressed, you don't just "do some cardio!" Depression precludes doing just about anything. And the shit running through your head keeps you heading farther down the rabbit hole - it's like a virus that replicates faster than you can try to kill it.

Thankfully, mine only gets so bad and I know it's temporary and I know it'll pass and I know I can still function if I have to and I know if I really need to, a little caffeine and carbs can help, but it doesn't make it any easier when I'm in that hole.

Maybe I'll break down and buy that incredibly ugly lamp for SADful people, then bask in its glow with a vat of Peet's and a case of Krispy Kremes until spring comes.

Reindeer Games

(here's Mr. Reindeer under the tree with his friend, Christmas Talosian)

Christmas is over for us but will go on forever for the cats.

While decorating the house this year I found a little stuffed reindeer toy in one of the boxes - a gift from someone at some point, it doesn't do much but it's cute, so I propped him under the tree.

A few nights after getting all the decorations up, I found the toy in the bathroom. Seems "someone" (Neo) found him and claimed him, then dragged him off to 'kill' him on the fuzzy bathroom rug.


(slain on the bathroom rug)


(on another night, slain on the bathmat)

I returned the reindeer to the tree and the next day found him in the kitchen. No matter how many times I put the toy back under the tree, the next day it would be gone, dragged off to some other part of the house.


(left just outside our bedroom - a gift)

Now the reindeer is sufficiently coated in Neo spit and dust and will remain a cat toy for the rest of its life. Probably more fun than living in a box in the basement.


The Christmas Talosian knows all.

Spastic Dreams

Lately I'm having a lot of vivid and strange dreams. It's probably from too many vegetables & fruit instead of sugar.

This morning's still has me out of sorts. I was hanging out with someone I used to date. He was more like a blend of guys I've dated in an unfamiliar body. The spirit was familiar but the face was vague.

He started out harmless but became progressively sinister. He was running errands around town and I was tagging along, but we were not having a good time. We were bickering and after a while I realized I needed to get away.

We ended up at someone's house - a mcmansion-type house in the suburbs. Walking up to the house, I could see into the open garage a set of golf clubs strewn on the ground. I knew he was going to use one of those clubs to beat the shit out of me.

Then I woke up.

There have been many others, but mostly fun up til now. I loved the one where I was "skiing" on flat, red sand in Australia on short, wide skis and I was able to get up to to extremely high speeds just by turning side to side. Would love to go back to that one.

Then there was the one where I was a lesbian with a long-term partner, who wasn't David (duh) and he wasn't too happy about that (contrary to porn movie plots). That one was actually pretty sad. But he reassured me (while fully conscious) that he wasn't going anywhere.

I might need a cupcake pretty soon.

That Was Rough

Day 9 - feeling MUCH better. Got some exercise, good food, lots of sleep and quality time with David. I knew the sadfulness would pass, but it was a long, dreary week. It's felt like a month, really.

It hasn't been difficult to avoid sugar & caffeine (and booze), that's actually been easy. The depressed mood wasn't easy, but it makes sense.

Remember the super low-fat, high-carb diets of the 80s? I ate like that for years, especially being a runner - it's drilled into your head to avoid fat & load up on bagels, pasta, bread, etc.

It's a reasonable assumption that eating like that for many years can alter how your body produces & uses serotonin. At any rate, now that I've cut all that out, shit's been wonky but seems to be settling into a new rhythm.

The sugar cravings are gone - totally gone. This afternoon I stopped at Peet's for a cup of decaf and didn't gaze longingly into the pastry case. I used to *love* snacking on citrus bread or a maple scone with my coffee - didn't even think of it.

Now it seems like I'm craving vegetables and "clean" food, even when it's cold and foggy out. Last year at this time I was eating my weight in steaks, pork chops and potatoes - couldn't get enough. Didn't touch a salad for months. Nothing green. Green does not help insulate you from the bone-chilling cold (and boredom) of a Canadian winter.

And now I seem to be dreaming a lot more - really vivid dreams. Actual nighttime sleepy type dreams, not the I want to find a billion dollars in my bank account type dreams, which, if you're listening Universe, get to it - make it happen.

Hope the good feeling continues. If so, I may stay off sugar forever.

Serotonin Free

It's Day 8 and I'm still off sugar, booze and caffeine. Although it's impossible to be totally caffeine-free unless I give up decaf coffee, which I'm not going to do, so you can blow me.

It's been that sort of week. I thought it was PMS, which I want to think is mostly to blame, but now I'm DMS and usually by this point the mood issues are long gone.

Today was difficult. If we didn't have TV, I'd have spent the whole day staring at the wall. I did that once years ago when I lived in the Western Addition in a haunted house and my car got totaled and I couldn't quickly get the heck outta town. That wasn't a good time.

It hasn't gotten that bad, but today was the most depressed I've felt in a long time. I didn't think I ate that much sugar every day, but I definitely went on a bender during the holidays.

Way too many biscotti, chocolate chip cookies of all sorts, lemon tarts, pumpkin pies, and some dastardly petit fours from Trader Joe's in ridiculously delicious deep chocolate flavors.

I was bingeing like a drug addict right before checking into rehab. I wondered if I might be making a big mistake by doing that.

I'd started the decaf process in mid-December - I knew how painful cold turkey would be - but now I think I'm really starting to feel it. I'm getting that withdrawal headache in the afternoons and yawning. A LOT.

Thankfully the headache is mild, nothing like the cold-turkey variety that makes you want to saw your head off with a Leatherman and pour hot coffee into your skull.

The one bright spot is losing 2 lbs without even trying. That helps make some of the sadfulness worth it. If that keeps up, I'll gladly watch more bad TV while crumpled on the couch crying softly into my blankie.

Holiday Newsletter - in January!

And you thought the holidays were over. Not true! Our fake tree is still up - two trees, in fact - the tree we got in Canada last year and the old tree we'd left in the basement.

This year I even bought more decorations the day after Christmas - 50% off! - first time I've ever done that. I seriously considered putting up lighted wreaths, pathway trees and garlands all around the house that weekend. Maybe this weekend.

So, a Holiday Newsletter...

In a nutshell, 2009 was mostly a giant steaming pile of turds. But it did have a few high points. Leaving Canada was one of them, as was getting Henry home safely, which almost didn't happen - the biggest turd of the pile.

Early in the year we knew David's job in the Great White (grey) North wouldn't last - layoffs were happening every month or so. For a few weeks he came home every night not knowing how much longer he'd have a job. Turds.

I took on the new job of full-time housewife and I did not win any housewifing awards. I did cook a lot more and cleaned a few things and every week successfully forced myself to go to the grocery store. Turns out I'm not so good at housewifing.

I watched a LOT of Felicity and The Dog Whisperer. Maybe too much. But I learned a LOT about dog psychology and why Ben was ultimately the better choice over Noel. Noel and Felicity are just too similar - not enough chemistry. Ben challenges Felicity in a way Noel never could. Wait, what were we talking about?

Right - 2009 turds. So, about Canada... If you're a regular reader of The Nootsmaak, you're already familiar with the steaming turds of Canada. Suffice it to say, it wasn't the right place for us. Or anyone with a shred of ambition or energy. Or anyone who enjoys sunlight. Or anyone who dislikes mold and mildew. Or anyone who knows how to drive.

With David's job slowly slipping away, it was an easy decision to pack the french up and move the toast home. I found out a couple of weeks ago that the company he was working for shut down in early December. Good thing we didn't stick around to see what might happen. What a sad, sad Christmas that would have been. Turds.

As turdish as the whole adventure could be at times, David and I enjoyed many quiet nights together watching Don Cherry on Hockey Night in Canada (government mandated) and not eating poutine. Ever.

We explored parts of Vancouver tourists never see, with good reason. We saw black bears around the neighborhood - David saw many more than I while riding his bike throughout the area. And I saw many, many Canadian teens wearing really fugly hoodies.

I got to take a few road trips to Seattle to see friends - that was fun. I ate too many Top Pot doughnuts, bacon-filled waffles and Dick's burgers & fries. My arteries are glad we're no longer anywhere near Seattle.

After endless weeks of endless grey days, I learned that no amount of doughnuts, cookies, mashed potatoes, fried potatoes, pancakes, waffles, fried waffles or bacon-filled fried waffles can abate the deep, bottomless sadness that overcomes me when I do not see the sun.

No one told us there wouldn't be sun. Not for that long. Even if I'd known, I'm not sure I could have even prepared for it other than unpack the truck and say Fuck NO to moving to Canada. Now the lack of energy and motivation (and obsession with hockey and beer) makes a little more sense.

The best part of 2009 was arriving back home to this amazing house, with all the kids in tow, back to our friends & family. Without experiencing the turd of Canada, we wouldn't have the deep appreciation of everything we have here. So, that's not entirely turdish. That might even be a gift.

Since we returned, I've gotten back to work fairly quickly and David found a new job at a good company after only a few interviews around town. Things aren't perfect, but we're very aware of how fortunate we are.

The cats are happy, the bird is happy, our family is happy and that's all we can ever ask for. I'm hoping for a lot of sun in 2010 and all good things for everyone. I'm even going to the dentist after a 10-year hiatus. Things are looking up.

Happy Holidays & Happy O-Ten!

Day 4, Sugar Free & Sobbing

Day 4 is almost over and it's been the hardest day yet. It's not helping that I'm watching the Food Network and they just showed us deep fried candy bars at the fair.

So many candy bars... dipped in thick, delicious pancake-like batter, fried into crispy, melty chocolaty & nougaty bites of heaven. I wept as I made plans to attend the next state fair, in any state, as soon as possible.

With my period about to drop any minute, I couldn't have picked a worse time to give up sugar. And not just sugar, but all simple carbohydrates - anything & everything that *acts* like sugar in the body.

That reminds me - I saw a commercial tonight that I almost can't believe. A mother is serving cups of red punch to a bunch of kids and another mom tries to caution her about high fructose corn syrup being unhealthy.

The punch pusher cuts her off and says, "Oh, right, high fructose corn syrup? It's from corn, it's natural and just like sugar, it's fine in moderation." What the WHAT? Can you believe that shit?

Now the high fructose corn syrup lobby is trying to tell us that shit is OK? Early last year the Washington Post published an article about HFCS containing mercury! And HFCS is made from genetically-modified corn - even worse - and the Farm Bill subsidizes this shit!

The Corn Refiners Association - Cornholers - should be drawn & quartered then lovingly dipped into giant vats of HFCS and set out to dry in the sun to become candied meat bits for the vultures.

To quote one of my favorite nutrition info sources, Dr. Mercola:

"Food and beverage manufacturers began switching their sweeteners from sucrose (table sugar) to corn syrup in the 1970s when they discovered that HFCS was not only far cheaper to make, it’s also about 20 times sweeter than table sugar...

...The food and beverage industry doesn’t want you to realize how truly pervasive HFCS is in your diet -- not just from soft drinks and juices, but also in salad dressings and condiments and virtually every processed food. The introduction of HFCS into the Western diet in 1975 has been a multi-billion dollar boon for the corn industry."

Read Dr. Mercola's article on the devastating health hazards of high fructose corn syrup.

Just seeing this bullshit commercial strengthens my resolve to completely eliminate this crap from my diet. I may go back to eating sugar at some point, but it'll be sugar - it won't be this shit.

Shouldn't it be a crime to put profits before health, you fucktards at the Cornhole Refiners Association?

Up in the Ass

If you haven't seen the movie and plan to, stop reading - spoiler alert.

First, I loved the movie. Who doesn't love watching Clooney being Clooney? And Jason Bateman is always great - more Bateman please. I liked how they made flying seem like fun, even though it's really a giant pain in the ass.

I really loved Vera Farmiga's character, Alex. She's smart, sexy, funny, adventurous, uninhibited, confident, and on top of all that, gorgeous.

*** spoiler alert ***

Then we find out she's a lying whore. Of course. She would have to be. No woman could be all that and not also be tragically flawed. Thanks, Hollywood. Fucked me in the ass again.

I could feel it coming and hoped so much that I was wrong. I knew there wouldn't be a fairy tale ending for her and Ryan, but did we have to make the interesting female lead a cheating ho-bag?

David pointed out that it's almost always the man that turns out to be the philandering douchebag and he's right. I suppose it's fair to make the female lead the asshole, it's just disappointing.

The "good" girl is shrill, uptight, arrogant, asexual, ignorant and someone I would love to slap in the face. It's a bummer that the "cool" woman in the movie turns out to be a shit bag and the "good" girl is an irritating bitch.

I don't know how else it could have been written to make her ultimately unavailable to Ryan, the little boy lost, and to be fair, he never asked her about her situation. He either assumed she was single or wasn't interested in really knowing her - but that seems hollow when it comes time to go to his sister's wedding.

If you're just banging a guy between flights and then one day he asks you to go with him to his sister's wedding, that seems like the right time to say something like, "I don't want to be a downer, but you should know I'm married and I have fifteen kids."

At that moment, she, being the smart woman she is, should have realized they were not on the same page. And if she's not wearing a ring or slipping away to take phone calls in private, why would he ever imagine she could be married? She seems just like him but as she said, "with a vagina." He's got a fair position in assuming she was unattached. Naive maybe, but fair.

So not only do we get to see an interesting female character turn out to be an asshole, we get to see marriage treated like it usually is in the movies - the drudgery of real life, the thing that needs to be escaped. How original.

It was a good movie, but I don't think it was a "great" movie or the "best" movie. Up was far better, as was The Hurt Locker and Fantastic Mr. Fox. I'd even put The Hangover above it, just for Mike Tyson alone.

The best thing about it was the powerful but dark reality of getting canned and having to start all over, even if it's almost time to start planning to retire, and asking yourself "what am I doing with my life?" So, it's got that going for it, which is nice.

Day 2: Sugar-Caffeine-Booze-Free

And feeling great. Just avoiding simple sugars & booze for a full day helped drop a pound of water weight - that's impressive. It's amazing how your body bloats up when that shit is in your system.

Speaking of shit in the system, one friend of mine is trying to go vegan for the first two weeks of the year. Like my detox, she's doing it to see how she might feel after a couple of weeks.

I feel for her, since she's a dedicated athlete and will need plenty of high-grade protein to help her body recover from her workouts.

It sounds healthy in theory, but it's not natural. Our physiology is designed to use animal products. What they're not designed for is all the shit in our food supply, literally and otherwise.

One theory about going vegan/vegetarian is that it will somehow help save the environment. It's a noble thought, but I don't buy it.

That problem is way too big to be solved by going vegan. At any rate, I'm not about to stop eating good quality animal products thinking that will help save the environment. It's also not going to help my health.

The funny thing is, I've heard of some vegans eating at Taco Bell. They buy "food" from the largest fast food company that sells the shit found at KFC and Pizza Hut, among others. Ironic, no?

Anywho, to each his own, right? I need to go slaughter some bunnies now.

Happy New Year!

Is it? I don't feel all that happy. Could be last night's tequila - the current lack thereof - making me cranky. I don't feel hungover, just irritated.

Could be lack of sleep. We crashed early last night, 'cause normally *nothing* goes on in Alameda at midnight on New Year's Eve. WRONG.

For the first time ever, we were woken up at midnight by a loud racket of firecrackers, the clanging of pots & pans, noisemakers and whoops & hollers. I felt bad about being in bed, wondering when all the noise would stop. Maybe next year we'll join the party. Who knew?

But I also got a lot on my mind. I recently learned of the Bilderberg Group and I'm totally creeped out.

Nothing is known about the content of their annual, private meetings attended by our elected and/or appointed officials, financial & military leaders and the super-elite & super-wealthy.

A quote from one of the members:

"We are grateful to the Washington Post, The New York Times, Time Magazine and other great publications whose directors have attended our meetings and respected their promises of discretion for almost forty years. It would have been impossible for us to develop our plan for the world if we had been subjected to the lights of publicity during those years. But, the world is now more sophisticated and prepared to march towards a world government. The supranational sovereignty of an intellectual elite and world bankers is surely preferable to the national auto-determination practiced in past centuries."
-- David Rockefeller

So now I'm thinking, California needs to secede and become its own country with its own president elected by California citizens without any campaign financing of any kind other than a small stipend from a nominal tax fund.

All corporate donations/lobbyists are illegal and absolutely no policies are made without complete transparency and voter involvement.

We make marijuana totally legal and regulate it, tax it, and sell it to the rest of the world, along with the technologies we develop, Hollywood movies - whatever. There's a lot left to work out yet - it's still pretty early in the day.

I'm still happy about giving up sugar, booze & caffeine - it's a relief, really. It's easier when there's a good excuse - a New Year's resolution - otherwise people flip out. Why!? Why would you do that? What a stupid idea!

Yeah, you're right - striving for better health *is* a stupid idea - I'll feel so annoyingly good and the weight loss will be so lame. What was I thinking? Happy New Year.

Almost Done

It's almost 2010, or as lots of lazy people are saying, "twenty ten!" Is "two thousand ten" so hard? Wait, I need a minute. That tired me out a little. I do like Stephen Colbert's "oh ten!" so I maybe I'll go with that.

So it's almost O-Ten! Resolutions? Actually, this year I have a few. I had one last year but it seemed pretty redundant.

Last year I copied a friend's resolution to Say Yes To Adventure, but I'd already been doing that. It resulted in a fun new job I had no experience for and a move to Canada because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The rest of O-Nine was a constant Yes To Adventure - new restaurants, new foods, new routines, new activities, new sports, new road trips, new, new, new, new, new. That got old after a while. I don't think I need any help in saying Yes to New.

This year I'm getting back to basics while also trying a few New Things, all nutrition-related. First and foremost, for the month of January at least I will Say No To Sugar, Booze and Caffeine. I've never done this before, ever.

I've gone stone cold decaf twice before - some of the worst few days of my life until the withdrawals passed. But it was worth it - the sustained energy level throughout the day was a welcome change. I've been a caffeine junkie since I was a tweener, which is why I'm only 5'4". Kids, it's true - stay off the coffee until you're at least 18 years old.

The last time I went totally decaf I stayed "clean" for many years until a trip to Portugal. Oh dear god that coffee - that coffee is some of the best I've ever had. I opened a vein and let it jump right in and take me away to that blissful, chipper, caffeinated cloud far above the dull, sleepy sidewalks.

But now, so many years later, having been caffeinated for so long, my receptors are crusty & corroded. Just getting older is wreaking havoc with my energy levels, in that I almost never have as much as I'd like. Enter, the sugar problem...

Gotta Say No to Sugar. No more cookies, doughnuts, Peet's citrus bread & maple scones or coconut milk ice cream & chocolate sauce [sobbing]. Tastes so good, but hurts so bad. Stayed away from sugar for years, but got lazy and BLAM - sugar addict.

Finally, no booze... just for a month. Just for a thorough 30-day detox. Since we go out only one night a week, that's only four nights I'll cry quietly into a glass of water.

The only other New Thing I'm going to try in O-Ten is juicing. Been wanting to be a Juicer for a long time - non booze juicer - and I'm kind of excited to give it a try. Though it's going to be hard to not turn it into a coconut-tequila milkshake maker. We'll see how it goes.

I'll blog about my progress and I'll warn you now, it may be a rough few days at first, especially since in the past 24 hours I've consumed at least 10 very large cookies and there are a LOT more still sitting in my kitchen. If you're nearby, please come get them. Please.

Thanks, Christmas!

It's been a lovely holiday - lots of time relaxing with the furry/feathered kids and enjoying being home again in Alameda.

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See you all next Christmas!

Guilt Cookies

This year, perhaps because I was so happy to be back home for Christmas, I decided I'd be a Santa's Elf and deliver sugary treats to our neighbors - chocolate chip cookies for the kids & biscotti for the grownups.

I've never done this before. Most of our neighbors "keep to themselves," as I might tell a reporter one day after someone down the street tries to take out the whole block with a truck full of fertilizer. For the most part, we're a well-mannered quiet street of Wavers.

With full plates & bags of freshly-baked cookies I skipped across the street to where Crazy Bob used to live to deliver the goods to a quiet young couple with two kids. They moved in just as we were moving out and even after we moved back, we've never exchanged a single word. I'm starting to think we scare people.

The wife/mom answered the door and looked perplexed, wondering who the weirdo was handing out cookies dressed in warm ups, a flour-dusted t-shirt and Santa hat. I told her I was her across-the-street neighbor and she look chagrined. She thanked me profusely and I felt smug as I cheerfully said "Merry Christmas!" and skipped off to my next stop.

I went next door to the Curmudgeon's house and knocked on their door. They've lived there forever and knew my Nana before she moved on to a sweet condo in the sky. His wife answered wearing an awesome Christmas sweater and she looked shocked to see me. I handed her a gift bag of biscotti and chirped "Merry Christmas!" and she fumbled out an awkward "thank you." I skipped along to the next house.

Really, I was happy to spread some Christmas cheer. They're not bad neighbors, just a little aloof and/or sometimes kinda rude. We have other neighbors we talk to fairly often & it was great to see them & get caught up. It was a lovely part of my Christmas Eve.

As I was making breakfast the next morning, the doorbell rang, which was odd - I'm pretty sure our house is on a Run For Your Life list used by solicitors, Jehoshaphat's Witnesses & Mormons. David answered the door to see Curmudgeon's wife holding a plate of cookies. He said she couldn't get off the porch fast enough & back across the street.

David brought the cookies into the kitchen and while it was a really nice gesture, it looked like they'd been plucked out of the trash & hastily assembled on a festive plate. Even the plastic wrap was crumpled and resting on top of the cookies, no cling left in it to stick around the plate.

If they weren't Bin Cookies, they were very likely Regift Cookies, but they were definitely Guilt Cookies. I'll eat just about any cookie on the planet, but these were awful. They weren't just stale, the flavor made my mouth cry. We tried to find one that was edible but no luck. They're Bin Cookies now, but it was a sweet thought.

Next year I'm going to bring her a nice big bowl of soup & see what comes back.

Christmastime Again

Favorite Christmastime quote, said by a little kid at Rockefeller Center while being interviewed by Mary Gross on Saturday Night Live sometime in the mid-80s: "You know who I hate? Perry Como."

No one else saw that sketch which makes it all the more special - the memory is mine and mine alone.

This is always a weird time of year. I want to love it, but mostly I'm just overwhelmed and it's upon us and over in a flash. Every year I do less and less, which I really enjoy, but there's a lazy aspect to it I don't like.

I totally forgot about cards this year. Forgot them on purpose last year, 'cause we were in Canadia and it just seemed stupid to spend a dollar a stamp for Christmas cards that end up in the recycling bin. OK, actually, it just seemed like too much work. The lack of sunlight made lots of things feel like too much work. Blame Canada. I do.

But this year I actually forgot until a friend mentioned sending out cards. Cards? Like poker cards? Oh, wait, carrrrds. Right. Not gonna happen.

Last year we didn't even decorate until a few days before Christmas. It was just the two of us, far away from all our friends & family. Why bother? I hadn't even packed our Christmas stuff in the move. David asked if we could festive up the place, so I found a nice fake tree at Canadian Tire, some cheap plastic ornaments and threw it all together - BLAM - it's Christmas.

Sure didn't feel like it though. It was a weird time. Nice to be together, away from the rest of the world after all the time apart in '07 (when he was working in the UK - I hadn't kicked him out or anything), but it was lonely.

On Christmas Day, bored after so many days cooped up in the house, we went to see Gran Torino. Great holiday movie if you like tense, depressing stories. Drove home quietly in the snow and the dark. Heavy.

This year I did manage to decorate - put up TWO fake trees, fully decorated, and even found more stuff at Target. It looks a little like Christmas. Barely. I need to hire Jeff & Randy.






(a few shots of their incredible displays)

As we have in years past, we'll continue our No Stuff Christmas - no shopping for gifts of any kind - none, zip, zero. No more stuff. Food is OK (except fruitcake - that's not food) as are joke gifts that can be useful, such as ExLax, Rolaids, Correctol or Gas-X.

David started the gastrointestinal-themed gift pack a few years ago and it's a valuable tradition. When something goes wrong in that department and you can't run to the drugstore? No problem! My "Get Right Pack" saves the day!

A few weeks ago I tweeted that we should have the entire month of December off to enjoy the season and I mean it. There isn't enough time to prepare or visit with friends & family. The whole month should be full of festive parties, outings, drinks, cookies, pies and twinkly lights.

Sadly, I have to get back to work now. Merry Festivus.

CVS is S-A-D

While we were on the lam in Canada last year CVS/pharmacy bought Long's Drug's. It was sad news because I and many of my friends loved Long's.

By the way, what's with the slash? Is it a Consumer Value Store Pharmacy, or just a pharmacy, or just a store? Why not CVS Pharmacy? Or are they planning a whole collection of chains, like maybe CVS/oil changers, CVS/smoothie hut, CVS/guns & ammo? The slash is stupid, much like their stores.

Long's was my all-time favorite place to shop, and I hate shopping, but I loved cruising their aisles full of stuff. Where else can you pick up mascara, Kodak Tri-X Pan 400 black & white film, a Faucet Queen thingie for the kitchen sink, Dinty Moore beef stew, a $60 Bart ticket, moist butt wipes AND a nice bottle of wine for dinner all in one place?

Every Long's felt like a quaint, local drug store, regardless of which one you went to. Its many aisles were narrow and jam-packed with all sorts of goodies. All the usual drug store stuff, but also tons of food, snacks, candy, gifts, makeup, greeting cards, jewelry, clothes, housewares, plants, flowers, garden stuff, cameras, film, hardware, ice cream, wine and BOOZE!

When David's parents visited us years ago we stopped at a Long's to grab a few things for the road. In moments, David's mom's arms were FULL of stuff. She found me in another aisle and with big, wide eyes she said, "This store is AMAZING!"

It really was. There was something about it. Every store felt familiar but each had its own funky vibe - you never knew what you might find. A true shopping adventure.

When I heard they'd sold out, I was bummed. Another local business swallowed up by a crappy competitor. (Long's first store was on Piedmont Avenue in Oakland.)

The other day I had to find those stupid little batteries for the cat's laser toy. I saw a former Long's/CVS nearby, so I gave it a try. It was every bit as disappointing as I'd expected and more.

Gone were the numerous aisles of good stuff, replaced by a handful of aisles set so wide apart you could cruise them in a forklift. Gone was the classic, bulletproof linoleum, replaced by a sad, depressing dark grey carpet. Carpet? In a drug store? You can't splatter a jar of pickles on that. The stains look great though. Stupid.

I walked around the whole store and mourned. It looked to have a tenth of what Long's used to carry and none of it looked any good. The displays are sad, the merchandising is sad - the whole place is just sad.

Even worse was the staff. I think they grow them in a facility somewhere in Winnipeg. I waited forever behind a woman trying to use a coupon and the cashier couldn't do the math. She had to call a manager, the manager wandered up to check the price of the item - I don't even know what happened after that - I blacked out. When I came to the sun was in a different place in the sky and I wanted to take a long hot shower and curl up in bed.

I was never a huge fan of Walgreen's but I'm going to go out of my way to find a Walgreen's rather than ever step foot inside a CVS/shithole ever again. Long's, it was a bitch move to sell out. You let us down. When I'm old and even crankier, I don't know where I'm going to buy my gallons of Carlo Rossi and tins of Danish butter cookies.

How to Beat a Speeding Ticket

After extensive research and preparation I successfully beat the speeding ticket I got in September and am extremely excited to share my tips.

1. Know the law. On your citation will be the violation code - look it up. Mine was 22350: Basic Speed Law. No person shall drive a vehicle upon a highway at a speed greater than is reasonable or prudent having due regard for weather, visibility, the traffic on, and the surface and width of, the highway, and in no event at a speed which endangers the safety of persons or property.
   
   This means, even if I've exceeded the posted speed limit, which was 30MPH in that area, I can legally drive faster than the posted limit IF it's deemed safe given the conditions at the time. So, regardless of what the radar gun said (allegedly it clocked me at 40), I was likely in the clear and had a strong chance of beating the ticket. Had the gun said 70, probably not so much, and of course that has never ever happened. Ever.
   
   
2. Prepare. In addition to knowing the law, prepare your defense and any questions you might want to ask the citing officer. When you get to court, the officer will testify first, then you have the option of cross examining the officer. This is when you can ask, "So?" in reference to going slightly over the speed limit, or "Is this how we protect our communities, citing hard-working Americans who are just trying to make a living!?"
   
   You can also ask when the last time the radar gun was calibrated, or ask to see the radar gun and point it at the judge or bailiff and see if it detects their speed sitting still. If it reads anything other than zero, you might have a chance of beating it right then. You don't have to ask the officer any questions, but if you want to, be prepared. After the officer testifies, then it's your turn to defend yourself. You can also plead the 5th and not say a word, which seems silly if you've gone to all this trouble to come to traffic court, but that is your right.
   
   
3. Rehearse. Spend every spare moment before your court date rehearsing your defense. If you already talk to yourself constantly like I do, this will be easy. Be sure to stick to the basics - don't go down any tangents that are irrelevant to the case. For example: "Thank you, your Honor. I realize the radar gun may have reported my speed as 40MPH, but given the conditions at the time in that location - a clear, sunny day with excellent visibility and no traffic - I felt I was driving safely in that situation and had no idea I was exceeding the posted speed limit."
   
   Do not continue on to tell the judge about how you almost stopped for Peet's but thought, Nah, I'll go home & save the $2 and then I can be back in my sweats and bathrobe that much faster and watch some Food Network while I dork off on Facebook for a couple of hours and BLAM! that's when she got me with that crappy radar gun - had I only stopped for coffee this would have never happened, and boy, I can tell you, I'll definitely stop for coffee in the future because now I know those lazy cops love to sit at the bottom of that hill and poach for unsuspecting part-time freelance photographers who daydream about coffee and pancakes.
   
   
4. Wardrobe. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of wardrobe when you attend court. Remember, you're trying to look responsible, but not so fancy like you're too special to get a speeding ticket or attend traffic court with the unwashed masses. You need to look put together, but not so dressy that you look ridiculous for coming to court to fight a $200 ticket. This means leave all the sparkly jewelry at home, along with the designer purse, sunglasses and/or shoes, if you have them. This is easy for me as I have none of these distracting items.
   
   Do not dress too casual or like an idiot. Not recommended: sweat pants, hoodies, flip flops, wife beaters, stained t-shirts, camouflage cargo pants, super noisy jewelry that clinks when you move, offensive perfume that chokes everyone around you, crazy high heels that scrape the floor like nails on a chalkboard, and absolutely no pants that have words of any kind plastered on the ass.
   
   For my court date I wore basic black khakis, a clean white t-shirt with a fitted flannel shirt over that, beat up Dansko clogs, a simple silver wedding band, my lucky fire agate ring, lucky necklace and my lucky panties. I may have also tapped every surface I touched three times and promised to volunteer with disadvantaged kids if I got off.
   
   
5. Hair. Wash it. This is non negotiable. Have you ever smelled unwashed hair? I'm on the verge of puking just thinking about it. This has nothing to do with the topic of this post, but this is a huge peeve of mine. If you're going to get up, put on clothes and leave the house, why wouldn't you do all of us a favor and take a damn shower and wash your greasy, smelly head? Please? Oofah - that smell is disgusting. Never mind how it looks - it's the smell. Please. Wash it. Five minutes - what's five minutes to prevent mass barfing?
   
   
6. Be punctual. Get to court on time. If the time says 8:45, get there at 8:30. You'll have to clear security - that reminds me, leave your knives, guns, crossbows, etc. at home - they'll confiscate them at security. You might also need to find parking, pee, and text message your friends about how sucky it is that you had to get up early and go to traffic court and couldn't wear your fleece robe. Well, you could, but...
   
   
7. Check in. When you get to court and the clerk opens up the courtroom to let in the losers attendants, check in once he/she is back at the desk. The bailiff will remind you if you wander in and just sit down.
   
   
8. Wait. Wait patiently in your seat for court to begin and *silently* rehearse your defense. Try not to whip your head around every time someone comes in, wondering if it's the officer who cited you. Act casual. You're confident in your defense. You're a good person and this was just an unfortunate misunderstanding. Try not to look totally effing annoyed that here you are again, wasting valuable time you could be spending catching up on Twitter to deal with this goddamm ticket.
   
   
9. The officer. The officer who cited you will have been subpoenaed to attend court and will likely show up, which is why you need to do your homework and prepare your defense. Do not expect that he/she won't show and you can just stand up when your name is called and have the judge tell you "case dismissed." That would be nice, but it rarely happens. Hours of research, preparation and careful wardrobe selection (including lucky panties) is critical to helping to successfully beat the ticket and get it dismissed. I cannot stress that enough.
   
   
10. Be polite. When the judge enters the courtroom everyone has to stand up as the bailiff announces that court is now in session and the honorable Judge McClearmyticket is presiding. Then the clerk will ask everyone to raise their right hands and swear that the truth is truthy, then you can sit down and wait until the judge calls your name. If you got to court on time to check the docket posted outside, you'll have seen your place in the roll call to know when your name will be called.
    
    The judge will then explain how traffic court works and often will tell the court that there will be several cases dismissed. He'll then start down the list of cases and one-by-one, ask if the citing officers are present. When he gets to your case he'll first ask if the officer is present. When he realizes she is not, he'll say your name and that's when you stand up and hear him tell you "case dismissed" and the bail you paid will be refunded in time for Christmas. Try to refrain from shouting "FUCK YEAH!" and instead politely thank the judge and skip out of the courtroom and take yourself out to a pancake breakfast.
    

Hope you found these tips helpful.

I'm OK You're OK

OK?

Paraphrasing something I think Larry David said, every human interaction is rife with potential peril. I appreciate that sentiment now more than ever.

While I do my best to avoid drama, it happens. Sometimes it's for the best and shouldn't be avoided. Doesn't make it any easier. I wish it hadn't happened the way it did, but I can't change it now. I'm sure I could have handled things better, but I can only be myself and do the best I can.

It's been a very difficult week trying to understand what happened and how something that seemed fairly minor became a friendship-ending event. While I take full responsibility for my part in all of it, the other person is convinced that all the blame lies with me.

Switching places for a moment, I can understand the highly emotional reaction that makes me the antichrist, but to accept no responsibility? So much was said by both of us, that makes no sense whatsoever.

What's interesting about having a falling out with someone is what they might try to project onto you, showing you all the things they're really upset about with themselves. The other thing that's interesting is that no matter what you think you know about someone, you only see what they let you see. There's an ocean of shit you can never know until you get into a difficult spot and they reveal things that show you a totally different picture.

What's worse than losing a friend is realizing whatever friendship you thought you had wasn't strong enough to overcome a problem. I don't think you can call anyone a true friend until you've weathered some shit together and found a way to work through it.

It must have been a huge shock to realize I'm not all about cracking jokes and being silly. That's life. It's not all Happy Fun Ball all the time. Sometimes things get sticky and serious. I'm sure it was a crappy way to learn more about me and that sucks.

Overall, it's been a shitty couple of weeks but now it's behind me. Seems better to find out early if someone is too emotionally damaged to meet you halfway than lose a ton of time and energy trying to make the impossible work.

What I'm left with is the reminder to stay true to yourself in all things and no matter what anyone else says, trust yourself and your vision. Onward.

Blog Slackfest 2009

Cheezus crust, I cannot believe how much I've slacked off on the blog. What a loser. No excuses. I haven't made the time. One post for all of October. Happy lazy-ass Halloween.

How can I make the time to write when I've become so accustomed to distilling my thoughts into 140-character tweets? If it takes more than 140 characters to say it, then I'm not editing enough.

On top of that, if I can't be bothered to come up with more than 140 characters, who's going to take the time to read any more than that? Twitter and Facebook have totally ruined my attention span.

But I can't put all the blame on Twitbooking. I've been trying to launch a business. My very own actual little tiny business. Not the kind where I work at home in my pajamas while a big company keeps farming out freelance work to me, though I enjoyed that very much when I could get it.

No, this is an actual business (photography) that I'll be responsible for marketing, promoting, and running - profitably, I hope. It's a ton of work and a bit scary, but it's also a ton of fun. I've never worked so hard in all my life or been so tired, but I'm loving it.

Even more fun, it looks like David scored a sweet job at the studio where he was hoping to work, so it looks like everything is falling into place as it should. The improved household feng shui has everything to do with it. I'm only halfway joking. It doesn't hurt.

Happy November!

Mehtag

Before we moved back to Cali, we sold our little Danby dishwasher to our neighbor and bought a full-sized Maytag portable dishwasher when we got back. I was all excited - a full-sized magic cleaning box... and a Maytag! They're great, right? Not so much.

There aren't a ton of options for portable dishwashers but I was happy to find a Maytag in our price range, so I bought it. It wasn't the most expensive model, but it wasn't the very cheapest - or at least I didn't think it was.

We definitely ended up with the budget model. I think it was made from recycled 2-liter pepsi bottles. It pretty much works like you'd imagine a mostly plastic, lightweight dishwasher would. It sterilizes the food/food film on the plates/glasses/silverware, but it doesn't necessarily clean anything. I'm just happy it hasn't leaked, and it does provide another surface for clutter accumulation - always handy.

Now I miss the Danby. That thing worked like a champ. But as long as I pre-clean the dishes for Mehtag, it works great.